Watching your teen spend time with friends you don’t approve of can be frustrating and even a little frightening. Whether it’s because they’re rude, exhibit bad behavior, or seem like a bad influence, your gut reaction may be to tell your teen to stop hanging out with them. However, going down this route often backfires, driving your teen closer to those friends.
Instead, using the COLLABORATE framework can help you approach the situation in a calm, thoughtful way, creating an opportunity to guide your teen without pushing them away.
Here’s how to approach this situation with care and understanding:
C - Center Yourself
Before jumping into a conversation, take a moment to calm your emotions. It’s easy to become frustrated or anxious when you don’t like your teen’s friends. However, approaching the situation in a heated or accusatory manner could cause more harm than good. Breathe, and remember that this is a chance to connect, not to control.
O - Open Your Mind
It’s easy to make assumptions about your teen’s friends based on their behavior or reputation. However, your teen may see things from a different perspective. Enter the conversation without a predetermined solution and resist jumping to conclusions. For example, rather than assuming a friend is a bad influence, consider why your teen might be drawn to them. Ask yourself, “What positive qualities does my teen see in this person?” This mindset will help you have a more constructive conversation.
L - Look Beyond the Behavior
Separate your feelings about your teen’s friends from your teen’s identity. Just because they’re spending time with someone you don’t like doesn’t mean they’ve lost their values or are heading down a bad path. Teens are still figuring out who they are, and part of that process involves exploring different friendships. Instead of assuming the worst, consider asking, “I wonder what my teen is getting from this friendship?”
L - Listen with Empathy
Give your teen space to explain why they like spending time with these friends. Avoid interrupting or immediately disagreeing. Make it clear that you’re listening to understand, not to judge. You might say, “I’m curious about what you enjoy most about hanging out with [friend’s name].” This helps them feel heard, and it may give you insight into the positive aspects of the friendship.
A - Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage your teen to reflect on their friendships. Asking open-ended questions allows them to think critically about their relationships without feeling defensive. You could ask:
- "What do you like most about spending time with [friend's name]?"
- "How do your friends support you when you're going through a tough time?"
- "What do you think makes a good friend? Do you see those qualities in your current group?"
- "How do you feel after you hang out with [friend's name]?"
- "What do you think you bring to your friendships? What do your friends bring to you?"
- "In what ways do your friends influence your decisions? Do you feel that influence is positive?"
- "Are there any situations where you feel pressured to act a certain way around your friends?"
- "What’s something you really admire about [friend's name]?"
- "How do your friends handle conflict or disagreements? Have you ever had to navigate that?"
- "What kind of values do you think are important in your friendships?"
- "How do you think your friendships have shaped who you are becoming?"
This can help your teen evaluate the impact their friends have on them, which might lead them to reconsider certain friendships on their own.
B - Bridge the Gap
Reflect back what you’ve heard about their friends to confirm your understanding. This shows your teen that you’re genuinely listening and trying to understand their perspective on their friendships. It also gives them the chance to correct or clarify anything, which can help you gain a clearer sense of why these friendships are important to them.
O - Offer Your Support and Share Concerns
Start by letting your teen know you're on their side and that you care about their well-being. This helps set the tone for a supportive conversation, rather than a confrontation. You might say something like, "I know you're a smart, capable person, and I trust you to make good decisions." Then, express your concerns without judgment. For example, "I've noticed [specific behavior] with your friends, and I’m worried about how it might be affecting you. I’m not saying you can’t be friends with them, but I’d really like to talk about it so we can figure things out together." This way, you're opening up a conversation rather than creating a power struggle, which helps your teen feel heard and more willing to share their perspective.
R - Resolve Together
Team up to find a solution using the ONE Thing technique! Start by asking your teen what the ONE thing they really need right now is. They might say something like, “I want to make my own decisions about who I hang out with,” or “I want to feel comfortable talking to you about my friends without being judged.”
Once they’ve shared their thoughts, it's your turn. Tell them what the ONE thing you need most is too. You could say something like, “I need to feel reassured that you're making safe choices,” or “I need to know you’re aware of the consequences of your decisions.”
Now, brainstorm together and find a solution that works for both of you!
Here are a few ideas to consider:
- Curfew: We agree that the curfew on weekdays is [insert time] and on weekends is [insert time]. We’ll communicate openly about any changes to these times, and you’ll let me know your plans in advance. This way, you can enjoy time with your friends while keeping each other informed. If the curfew is broken without prior communication more than two times in a row, we will move your curfew back by 30 minutes. Conversely, if you make curfew consistently for five times in a row, we’ll increase it by 30 minutes.
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Check-In Sessions: We will have weekly check-in sessions every [insert day and time] where you can share updates about your friendships. I will listen without judgment and ensure I remain open and supportive of your choices. You agree to be honest about who you’re spending time with and how you feel about those relationships.
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Joint Activities with Friends: You will invite friends over for movie nights, game nights, or other activities at least every two months, and I agree to host these gatherings. I’ll make sure everyone feels welcome and comfortable, while also giving you space to enjoy time with your friends. This way, we can all have fun together while I get to know the people in your social circle.
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Create a Safety Plan: We will create a "friendship safety plan" together. You agree to let me know where you’ll be and who you’re with whenever you go out with friends. I will commit to respecting your privacy and trust by not interfering with your friendships, as long as I’m kept informed. We’ll also establish a code word that you can use if you ever feel uncomfortable or need to exit a situation.
Tip: Consider writing down your agreement to prevent any "he said/she said" disagreements in the future.
A - Anticipate Challenges
Prepare for potential difficulties in sticking to your agreement. Ask questions like:
- “Do you think you might feel pressured by your friends to ignore our agreement?”
- “What might make it hard for you to stick to the boundaries we set?”
- “How can I support you if you feel conflicted between your friends and our agreement?”
This shows that you recognize the challenges they might face and that you’re there to support them, not just enforce rules.
T - Trust Your Teen
Empower your teen to take ownership of their choices by letting them know you trust them to manage their friendships while staying true to their values and the agreement you came up with together. This approach fosters responsibility and independence. Periodically check in to see how things are going, offering support and guidance without hovering.
E - Evaluate Effectiveness
Follow up to assess how the new friendship agreement is working. Here’s how to do this effectively:
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Schedule a Check-In: Set a specific date to evaluate the effectiveness of the friendship agreement, such as every two weeks or monthly.
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Reassess the Agreement: During the check-in, discuss how well the agreement has been working. Ask your teen:
- “How well do you feel our agreement is supporting your ability to make choices about your friends?”
- “Looking back, how do you think your friendships have influenced your choices recently?”
Be open to making adjustments based on their feedback, whether it has improved, worsened, or stayed the same.
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Reinforce Accountability: If your teen is having difficulty following the agreement, focus on problem-solving rather than blame. Ask:
- “Have you faced any challenges with our agreement? If so, how can we address them together?” Acknowledge that the agreement may not have addressed all underlying issues regarding their friendships. Remind both yourself and your teen of the importance of honest communication about what you both truly need, your expectations, and any challenges you're still facing.
Continue this process until you identify any underlying issues and collaboratively find a solution that works for both of you.
