Navigating the pain of social exclusion can be a heartbreaking experience for both teens and their parents. Watching your child feel left out, rejected, or unsure of where they belong brings up a lot of emotions—frustration, sadness, even anger. You want to help them feel confident and connected, but it can be hard to know the right words or actions to take.
My signature COLLABORATE framework is here to guide you through this challenging time. This framework is built to help you respond with empathy and wisdom, equipping you with practical, evidence-based strategies to support your teen. Together, we’ll explore how to approach this situation confidently, while strengthening the trust, respect, and connection between you and your teen.
C – Clear Your Mind
How you show up for your teen when they’re being excluded by friends can significantly influence how the situation unfolds. If your teen is already feeling vulnerable, bringing your own strong emotions into the conversation can unintentionally make things worse. Before engaging, take a moment for self-reflection and prepare yourself to approach the situation calmly and openly.
ASK YOURSELF:
“Am I calm, cool, and collected?”
Approaching your teen from a calm place can transform the entire dynamic of your conversation. If you’re feeling angry or anxious, it’s easy to unintentionally convey that stress in ways that might feel dismissive or pushy to your teen.
How to clear your mind:
Take a few deep breaths, step outside for fresh air, or give yourself a few minutes to gather your thoughts. Remember, it’s okay to take a moment to cool down before talking to your teen. The goal is to create a safe, non-judgmental space where they feel comfortable opening up to you.
“What assumptions am I making about my teen’s actions?”
We often bring our own experiences and fears into situations, which can lead to assumptions about what our teens are doing or feeling. Here are a few common assumptions parents might have when their teen is being excluded:
- “They must have done something to cause this.”
- “They aren’t trying hard enough to make friends.”
- “This is just a phase—they should toughen up.”
How to clear your mind of assumptions:
Remind yourself, “These are just guesses. I don’t know everything that’s going on.” Focus on specific, objective observations, like “My teen has been spending more time alone” or “They seem sad when they mention certain friends.” By sticking only to what you know, you avoid jumping to conclusions and make it easier to approach your teen with curiosity and openness.
“What solutions have I already decided could fix this problem?”
Jumping to conclusions about solutions before understanding your teen’s perspective can lead to more conflict or resistance. Common solutions that may not work well in this situation include:
- Telling your teen to simply “find new friends.”
- Suggesting they just ignore the people who are excluding them.
- Intervening directly by talking to other parents or teachers without consulting your teen first.
How to clear your mind of pre-conceived solutions:
Focus on understanding your teen’s experience first. Remind yourself, “I need to get to the root of why my teen is feeling excluded before I suggest any solutions.” This mindset creates a space where your teen feels safe to share their experiences without feeling rushed to “fix” the situation.
O – Open Your Heart
When your teen tells you they feel excluded or left out, it can stir up powerful emotions—fear, sadness, even helplessness. You may worry that they’re not building the friendships they need to thrive, or fear that this feeling of exclusion will hurt their confidence and sense of self. It’s natural to want to jump in and fix the situation, but approaching them with empathy and an open mind can provide the support they truly need.
ASK YOURSELF:
“Do I see my teen as a good person in a challenging situation or as someone who is fundamentally flawed?”
It’s easy to fear that there’s something “wrong” with your teen if they’re feeling left out. You may start to wonder, “Why can’t they connect with others?” or “Are they doing something that’s making them less likable?” But remember that exclusion is a common experience, especially during adolescence, and doesn’t define who they are. Your teen is a good person who’s simply facing a difficult social moment.
For example, if your teen comes home visibly upset because their friends hung out without them, it’s easy to think, "Are they being left out for a reason?" Instead, recognize that they’re likely hurt and confused, and they need your reassurance, not judgment or a fix. Focusing on their goodness and resilience can help you see the situation more clearly and respond with compassion.
How to open your heart to your teen:
Remind yourself that exclusion is a part of growing up, and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your teen. Acknowledge that they’re dealing with a painful experience, and reinforce their inherent value. Let them know that being left out doesn’t change who they are and that their worth is not tied to others’ approval. For example, you might say, “I know it hurts to feel excluded, but this doesn’t define you. You’re an amazing person with so much to offer, and this is just a tough moment in the journey of making lasting friendships.”
“Am I assuming the worst or giving them the benefit of the doubt?”
When your teen opens up about feeling left out, it’s easy to jump to conclusions about both your teen and the other teens involved. You might think, “Are they being too needy?” or “Maybe they’re not trying hard enough to make friends.” On the flip side, it’s also tempting to label the other kids as “mean,” “immature,” or “toxic” without knowing the full story. These assumptions can lead you to react in ways that might make your teen feel judged, misunderstood, or overly sensitive to the situation.
It’s important to remember that social dynamics in adolescence can be complex and fluid. The other teens may not even realize they’ve excluded your child or may have acted thoughtlessly without intending harm. Or they may be navigating their own insecurities and challenges, which can impact how they interact with others. By jumping to the worst possible conclusions, we risk reinforcing our teen’s feelings of isolation and missing opportunities to help them develop empathy, resilience, and perspective.
How to open your heart to your teen’s best intentions and the intentions of others:
Start by considering the Best Possible Explanation (BPE) for everyone involved. Instead of assuming that your teen is at fault or that the other teens are “bad friends,” think about possible reasons behind their actions. For instance, rather than thinking, “Those kids are just mean,” consider that they may not realize how much it hurt your teen to be left out, or that they may have been caught up in their own social worries.
Try saying to your teen, “Sometimes people act in ways that hurt us without meaning to. Maybe they didn’t realize how left out you’d feel. Let’s think about what you need from friendships and how we can work on finding friends who are a better fit.” This approach validates your teen’s feelings while helping them develop a broader perspective and resilience in navigating friendships.
“Am I focused on my teen’s weaknesses or their strengths?”
When your teen feels excluded, it’s natural to focus on what they might be “lacking”—whether it’s social skills, confidence, or a certain personality trait. But emphasizing these perceived weaknesses can make them feel worse and reinforce the idea that they’re not “enough.” Instead, focusing on their strengths can help them build resilience and feel more secure in who they are.
How to open your heart to your teen’s strengths:
Help them see the qualities that make them unique and valuable. Highlight their kindness, empathy, sense of humor, or creativity—traits that will attract true friends who appreciate them for who they are. For example, you could say, “You have such a big heart, and you’re such a loyal friend. The right people will see and value that about you.” Focusing on their strengths reassures them that they don’t need to change who they are to fit in and helps them build confidence as they navigate social challenges.
L – Look Beneath the Behavior
Your teen’s behavior—such as avoiding social situations, spending excessive time alone, being glued to their phone yet looking visibly anxious, or seeming upset after checking messages—is often not the root problem; it’s a symptom of deeper issues they’re experiencing with complex friendships. When we focus solely on stopping or changing what we see on the surface—like isolating themselves, obsessively checking social media, or reacting angrily when asked about their friends—we risk missing the opportunity to address the real challenges they’re facing in their social life.
ASK YOURSELF:
“Am I focusing on WHAT my teen is doing, or WHY they’re doing it?”
Until the underlying issue is addressed, the behavior is likely to persist or even manifest in different ways. I call this “whack-a-mole” parenting: when you try to fix one behavior, another pops up in its place. For example, if you take away their phone because they’re spending too much time scrolling through social media or your worried their getting bullied, they might start withdrawing further or become more secretive about their interactions.
Instead of applying quick fixes to curb the behavior we see on the outside, we need to engage in the deeper work of understanding what’s happening internally.
How to Look Beyond the Behavior:
Recognize that your teen’s actions—like spending hours online, avoiding certain friends, or suddenly not wanting to go to school—are often ways of coping with the complexities of friendships. Teens experience intense emotions around loyalty, belonging, and the shifting dynamics within friend groups, which can be confusing and overwhelming.
For example, the five main reasons teens struggle with complex friendships are:
- Insecurity and need for reassurance – Your teen might keep checking social media or texting friends repeatedly to confirm they’re still included, seeking constant reassurance that they’re valued in their friend group.
- Navigating shifting dynamics – Friend groups can change quickly, and your teen may feel anxious or unsure about their place as they try to keep up with who’s in, who’s out, and what that means for their friendships.
- Fears of being replaced – It’s common for teens to worry that they’ll be replaced by a new friend or left out, especially when they see their friends making new connections, which can lead to hurt feelings or feelings of jealousy.
- Difficulty asserting themselves – In complex friendships, teens may struggle with expressing their own needs or boundaries, worried it could cause drama or push people away, so they may stay silent even if they’re unhappy.
- Comparing friendships – Teens often notice how other friendships seem more “perfect
"Am I Focused More on How Their Behavior Is Impacting ME or How My Behavior Is Impacting THEM?"
When our teens struggle with friendships, it often taps into our own fears and insecurities as parents. We might worry about their happiness, feeling anxious that they’re being left out or that they don’t fit in. Maybe we recall our own painful experiences with friendships during their age, and we don’t want them to go through the same struggles. It’s natural to feel this way, but these emotions can sometimes drive us to react in ways that are more about soothing our own discomfort than helping our teens.
For example, when we see our teens left out of social events on social media or struggling to connect with others, it’s easy to feel an overwhelming urge to step in and “fix” things. We might push them to make more friends or try harder with people they don’t feel comfortable with.
What our response reflects back to them is incredibly important: It shows whether we value them as they are, in the middle of their struggle, or whether we’re implying that they need to change or “fix” themselves to be acceptable to us (and others). By focusing on their experience, we show them that their worth isn’t dependent on having a perfect social life, and that we can stand with them through their difficult times without rushing them to make it all better.
This approach not only helps them feel understood, but it also models the patience, compassion, and resilience needed to navigate tough moments in relationships. It reassures them that struggling with friendships doesn’t make them less worthy—it’s simply part of growing up.
L – Listen with Empathy
When your teen is being excluded by their friends, they may feel deeply hurt, confused, or rejected. These feelings can often lead to frustration or withdrawal, and it can be easy for you, as a parent, to respond with quick fixes or unsolicited advice. However, responding this way can unintentionally make your teen feel dismissed or misunderstood. If you aren’t careful, it could also cause them to retreat further, making it even harder to have a meaningful conversation about what’s really going on. That’s why listening with empathy is so important.
When you listen with empathy, you help your teen feel safe enough to open up about their struggles, giving you the chance to understand what they’re going through. It may take time, especially if your teen is reluctant to talk, but each attempt to connect is progress. Your willingness to truly hear their feelings—without judgment or interruption—will help them trust you more and eventually seek your advice when they need it most.
If your teen isn’t opening up, don't be discouraged. Even small gestures—like acknowledging their feelings or sitting in quiet presence—can be impactful. Listening empathetically is a skill that deepens with practice.
ASK YOURSELF:
How am I showing my teen that I’m truly listening?
If you’re distracted or seem uninterested, your teen might shut down. For example, if your teen opens up about being excluded by friends, but you dismiss their concerns with a quick, “Oh, just find new friends,” it can send the message that you don’t care about their feelings. This can cause them to feel invalidated and reluctant to share again in the future.
How to show your teen they have your undivided attention:
- Eliminate distractions: Put down your phone, turn off the TV, and make time for your teen. This shows them that their feelings matter to you, whether they're talking about their friends or something else.
- Use body language: Face them directly, make eye contact, and lean in slightly. This non-verbal communication tells them that you’re fully present and engaged in the conversation.
- Verbal acknowledgments: Offer gentle phrases like “I hear you” or “That must be tough,” to let them know you understand and encourage them to keep talking.
What is this experience like from my teen’s perspective?
Your teen is likely feeling a range of emotions—hurt, frustration, maybe even loneliness. It's important to consider how they might interpret the situation, especially if they’re questioning their worth based on being excluded. By understanding their emotional landscape, you can approach the conversation with empathy and avoid making them feel pressured to "fix" the problem before they’re ready to process their feelings.
How to step into their shoes:
To truly understand your teen’s experience, focus on seeing the situation from their perspective, beyond what you may want to say or do. Here’s how to best understand their feelings, beliefs, and values:
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Recognize their feelings: Pay close attention to your teen’s body language, tone, and expressions as they talk about their situation. Notice the emotions behind their words, such as sadness, anger, or frustration, and consider how deeply they might be feeling these things. Avoid thinking about solutions right away; instead, concentrate on empathizing with the intensity of what they’re experiencing.
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Understand their beliefs: Teens often develop strong beliefs around difficult experiences, like feeling excluded. Try to grasp why they might believe statements like, “I’ll never fit in” or “They don’t want me around.” Even if these beliefs don’t seem rational to you, recognize that they feel very real to your teen right now. Accepting that these thoughts stem from their reality—rather than minimizing or challenging them—allows you to better connect with their inner world.
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Acknowledge what’s important to them: Friendships and belonging play a huge role in a teen’s sense of self. To understand why these relationships matter so much, think about how pivotal social connections were during your own teen years. Recognize that even a minor shift in a friend group can feel monumental to them. When you acknowledge the high value they place on friendships, it helps you see the depth of their emotions and the significance of their struggles, allowing you to approach them with greater empathy and patience.
A – Ask Open-Ended Questions
Open-ended questions are crucial for helping your teen open up about their experience of being excluded by friends. These types of questions invite them to share their thoughts and feelings without feeling pressured, allowing you to gain insight into their perspective and validate their experience.
Forming the Perfect Open-Ended Question:
Ask questions that begin with “What,” “How,” or “Tell me more about…” to encourage them to share more detail and reflect on their experience. For example, instead of asking, “Are you okay?” consider asking, “What has been the hardest part of this for you?”
Creating Space for Them to Respond
After asking a question, give your teen plenty of time to think and respond. It’s natural to want to jump in, especially if there’s a pause, but allowing silence gives them space to express themselves on their terms. They may need time to process their emotions and articulate what they’re going through.
Sample Open-Ended Questions:
- "How do you feel when you see your friends hanging out without you?"
- "What do you wish people understood about how you’re feeling right now?"
- "How does being excluded affect other parts of your day, like school or activities?"
- "What’s something you think could help make this situation feel a little better?"
- "What do you think your friends may be feeling or thinking about this situation?"
- "What’s something you could do to take care of yourself, even if the situation with your friends doesn't change right away?"
- "How do you think you can handle it the next time you’re left out or feel excluded?"
- "What’s one thing you could say or do that would help you feel more in control of how you’re treated by your friends?"
- "If you could change one thing about how you respond to this situation, what would it be?"
- "What would it look like to have a conversation with your friends about how you’re feeling? What would you want to say?"
- "How can you remind yourself that you are worthy, even if others don’t treat you the way you’d like?"
B – Bridge the Gap
Bridging the gap is about helping your teen feel truly seen, heard, and understood. When teens experience exclusion, it can deeply affect their sense of self-worth and belonging. Bridging the gap shows them you’re there for support and validation, not to judge or fix everything right away.
Reflect Back What You Heard:
Reflecting their words back to them shows that you’re listening and encourages them to clarify if needed. It prevents misunderstandings and demonstrates your commitment to understanding their experience.
- If your teen shares that they feel lonely, you might say, “So it sounds like you’re feeling isolated and maybe a little left out lately. Is that right?”
- If they express frustration about seeing friends hang out without them, you could say, “It seems like it’s really painful for you to see your friends spending time together without including you. Am I understanding that right?”
Validate Their Feelings:
Validating your teen’s feelings helps them feel accepted and understood. It doesn’t mean you agree with everything they feel, but it acknowledges their reality and makes them feel emotionally safe. This is particularly important with exclusion, where feelings of hurt and rejection are intense.
- If your teen is feeling sad about being left out, you could say, “It sounds like you’re feeling really hurt and disappointed. I can see why this would be hard for you.”
- If they’re feeling confused or frustrated, you could say, “I understand how this could feel so confusing, especially since friendships are important to you.”
Affirm That You Are on Their Team:
Letting your teen know you’re on their side reassures them that you’re there to support, not judge. When they feel they have your unconditional support, they’re more likely to trust you with their struggles and look to you for guidance.
- "It’s really hard to feel left out. I want you to know I’m here to support you through this and help however I can."
- "If you need someone to vent to or just sit with, I’m here."
- "Friendships can be really tricky, especially when things change. I’m here to listen and help in any way that feels right to you."
- "You matter to me, and so do the things that are important to you, like your friendships. Let’s work together to make this easier for you."
Strengthen Your Connection
Spending time together—whether it’s through a fun activity or just relaxing in each other’s company—can solidify their trust in you. It’s not about focusing on problems or solving anything but about enjoying the time together and building memories.
For example, you might:
- Suggest a movie night, where you can unwind and just enjoy each other’s company.
- Go on a walk or do an activity you both enjoy, without needing to talk about anything specific.
- Plan a regular “date” with your teen, where you both step away from daily pressures and just enjoy the moment.
- Offer a hug or physical comfort when they seem down or overwhelmed, letting them know they’re loved and supported.
- Take an interest in their hobbies or activities, even if you’re not entirely familiar with them, showing that you value who they are.
O – Offer Your Perspective
This is your chance to share your specific concerns about your teen feeling excluded by their friends. By sharing your perspective, you help them understand why you’re worried, provide some context, and show that you’re invested in their emotional well-being. This approach isn’t about telling them what to do but about helping them see that their feelings—and the impact of exclusion on their self-esteem—matter to you.
Ask Yourself “What Am I Really Worried About?”
Before discussing your concerns with your teen, take a moment to identify what truly worries you about the situation. It’s natural to feel protective when you see them hurting, but focusing on genuine, well-founded concerns will make your conversation more helpful and supportive. Some common fears around teens feeling excluded by friends might include:
- “What if they start thinking something is wrong with them?”
- “What if they try too hard to fit in, losing themselves in the process?”
- “What if this rejection makes them afraid to form new friendships?”
- “What if not fitting in now affects their future social skills?"
It’s essential to recognize that, although these are valid concerns, your teen’s self-worth isn’t defined by one group of friends. Rather than projecting your fears, focus on helping your teen understand that exclusion is difficult but doesn’t define their value or ability to make meaningful connections.
Express Your Valid Concern
Once you’ve identified specific concerns, it’s time to share them in a way that helps your teen feel understood without adding pressure or judgment. Avoid making generalizations like “You always take things too personally” or “You never try to make new friends,” which could make them defensive. Instead, focus on specific, observed behaviors and explain how they affect their well-being.
Using “I statements” can help you communicate your feelings without blaming them, making the conversation respectful and constructive. Here’s a helpful format: “I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because [impact].”
Examples:
- "I feel concerned when I see you feeling isolated after being excluded because I worry it might make you doubt yourself, and I don’t want you to feel less confident about who you are.”
- "I feel worried when I notice you withdrawing from activities you enjoy because I’m concerned that missing out could leave you feeling even more alone.”
- "I feel sad when I hear you say that no one wants to be your friend because I know how much you value friendships, and I don’t want you to think you’re not worth knowing or caring about.”
These examples show empathy, focus on observable behaviors, and communicate your concern without implying judgment. By sharing your perspective in this way, you give your teen the chance to see that you’re there to support them through the experience of exclusion, not to criticize their reactions or decisions.
R – Resolve Together
Collaborating on solutions that focus on supporting them through this challenge can foster resilience and emotional growth. This step is about discovering what your teen truly needs from you and finding ways to help them feel secure and empowered in their social life. Instead of creating a formal "agreement," the goal here is to make a shared commitment about how you'll support them, and they’ll understand that you’re a resource during tough times.
The ONE Thing Technique
To help clarify both of your needs, use the "ONE Thing" approach. The goal is to identify what each of you needs most in this situation to create a strong foundation of trust and support. This often leads to a solution that addresses both your concerns and your teen's underlying needs, making it more likely to resonate and feel effective.
Ask your teen: “What’s the ONE thing that you need most?”
When teens feel excluded, they often need different forms of support, validation, or space to work through their feelings. Asking your teen what they truly need lets them feel in control of the solution. For example:
- “I need to know you won’t try to ‘fix’ things unless I ask for help.”
- “I need to feel like I’m okay the way I am.”
- “I need ideas for making new friends or ways to feel less lonely.”
Share with your teen: “The ONE thing I need the most is… because…”
Share what you need most in this situation as their parent to support them effectively. Frame it in a way that lets them see your genuine concern and desire to help without taking over. Here are some examples:
- “The ONE thing I need is to know that you’re okay emotionally because I want you to feel supported through this.”
- “The ONE thing I need is to be there when you feel down because I want to be a safe place for you to turn to.”
- “The ONE thing I need is for you to tell me if things get worse because I don’t want you to feel like you’re handling this alone.”
Tip: Struggling to identify your ONE Thing? Try asking yourself these questions:
- What am I most worried will happen if they continue to feel excluded?
- What would help me feel like I’m truly supporting them in this moment?
- What do I want my teen to feel when they come to me with friendship issues?
Ask: “How can we meet both of these needs?”
Work together to brainstorm ideas that address both your needs and theirs. This collaborative approach can create a plan that feels doable for both of you and lets your teen feel supported without feeling like you’re taking over. Here are some ideas:
- Offer periodic check-ins instead of daily conversations. Your teen may appreciate space but also want reassurance that you’re available when needed.
- Create a code word or signal they can use when they need emotional support. This way, they can let you know when they’re feeling low without having to initiate a full conversation.
- Help them brainstorm activities or clubs to find new friends, but only if they express interest. Let them take the lead, but be ready to help them explore new social opportunities if they’re open to it.
Create an Agreement Together
Make a commitment that you’ll support each other in ways that feel helpful and comfortable. This can involve setting expectations around how you’ll handle the situation together. Writing it down, even if informally, can make it feel real and help prevent misunderstandings.
For example:
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“We’ve agreed that I’ll check in with you every Sunday at 7 PM to ask how things are going with your friends. If you don’t feel like talking, just say ‘I’m not up for it right now,’ and I’ll respect that. You can let me know if you need help or want to talk sooner, but I won’t ask unless you bring it up.
If I notice something seems off and you’re not sharing, I might say, ‘You seem a bit down, and I want to make sure you’re okay. I’m here if you want to talk.’ I won’t pressure you, but I may ask for more details if I’m concerned.”
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"We’ve agreed that we’ll work together to explore one new social activity or club every month to help you meet new people and build social skills. You’ll pick the first activity (whether it’s trying a new class, joining a sports team, or something else), and I’ll help you sign up or get started. I’ll drive you there and wait outside, and we’ll check in afterward to see how it went. We’ll only commit to trying it out for two sessions before deciding if it’s something you want to continue. No pressure—just let me know when you’re ready.”
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"We’ve agreed that when you’re feeling drained or overwhelmed by social situations, you’ll let me know by saying, ‘I need a break." I’ll respect that and give you the space you need without questioning it.
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We’ve agreed that when you’re feeling upset about something with your friends, I’ll be there to listen first and offer support. I won’t jump in with advice or try to fix everything unless you ask for help. You’ll let me know if you just need me to listen or if you want advice. If it’s something that needs action, we’ll talk together to figure out how best to handle it. I’ll stay calm and be patient, and I won’t overreact or get involved unless it’s necessary for your safety or well-being.".”
These agreements focus on creating a balanced relationship where the teen feels empowered to manage their own social life, while the parent provides supportive and non-invasive guidance. The agreements also help set clear expectations for communication, allowing both parent and teen to navigate the complexities of social struggles in a healthy, respectful way.
A – Anticipate Obstacles
It’s important to anticipate potential challenges as you work with your teen to address the issue of being excluded by friends. Being proactive will help you prepare and adjust when roadblocks come up, fostering a sense of teamwork and communication with your teen.
Ask your teen: “What might get in the way of sticking to our plan?” or “What would make it hard to follow through?”
For example:
- “I’m afraid that talking about it might make things worse, and they’ll just exclude me more.”
- “I feel uncomfortable thinking about what happened with my friends—it’s hard to talk about.”
- “I’m worried that if I say something, my friends will get mad and it’ll make things even worse.”
Share obstacles you might encounter:
For example:
- “I might feel frustrated when I see you getting hurt by your friends, and I’ll want to jump in to fix things right away.”
- "It’s hard for me to stay calm when I see you feeling left out, and I may want to make it all go away.”
- “I don’t always know when to step back and when to get involved.”
Develop a contingency plan:
- If “friends might get mad if I talk to them” happens, we will talk through what you want to say first, and you can practice expressing yourself to me in a way that feels safe for you.
- If “I feel uncomfortable talking about it” happens, we can start small. You don’t have to share everything all at once—just what you feel comfortable with. You can let me know when you’re ready to open up more.
- If “it’s hard for me to stay calm when you’re hurt” happens, I’ll remind myself that it’s important for you to handle this on your own, but I’ll be here to support you however you need. I'll focus on listening first and offering suggestions when you're ready.
- If “I’m unsure when to get involved” happens, we’ll have a check-in point where you can tell me if you need help or just need me to listen. I’ll ask if you want guidance, but only if you're open to it
T – Trust Your Teen
Trusting your teen is a crucial part of helping them navigate friend exclusion. This trust helps your teen build confidence, resilience, and autonomy.
Communicate trust:
Show your teen you believe in their ability to handle difficult friendships by affirming their strengths:
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"I know you can figure out what’s best for you, even when friends treat you in ways that don’t feel right."
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"You’ve dealt with tough situations before, and I trust you to handle this friendship challenge just like you’ve handled others."
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"I believe you can find the courage to speak up if a friend is treating you unfairly, and you’ll do it in a way that feels true to who you are."
Step Back:
Allowing space for your teen to figure things out builds independence. Reflect on these questions:
- “Am I stepping back enough to let them process their feelings?”
- “Am I allowing them to try handling things without my help right away?”
- “Am I supporting without taking over?”
Allow Natural Consequences to Play Out:
Allowing your teen to experience natural consequences, even when it’s painful, is an important part of their emotional growth. As a parent, it's hard to watch your teen go through difficult situations, especially when it comes to friendship challenges like being excluded or mistreated by others. However, these experiences, though uncomfortable, can be incredibly valuable lessons.
By stepping back and allowing them to face the natural consequences of their actions or their friends’ behavior, you’re helping them develop resilience, decision-making skills, and a deeper understanding of what healthy friendships look like.
For example, if your teen continues to hang out with friends who consistently exclude them, the natural consequence might be feeling isolated, hurt, or undervalued. While it’s tough to witness, this is an opportunity for your teen to reflect on their choices and the people they’re investing their time and energy into. In these moments, it’s essential to offer support without trying to shield them from the emotional pain that comes with being excluded.
You might say something like:
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“I know it’s hard when friends don’t include you, and I can see you’re feeling left out. Sometimes, these tough situations can help us understand who our true friends are and what a healthy friendship should feel like. I trust you to learn from this experience, and I’m here for you no matter what. You don’t have to go through it alone.”
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“It’s painful when it feels like friends don’t appreciate you. This might be a tough lesson, but I believe it can help you get clearer on what you deserve in a friendship. I’m here to support you and help you make decisions that honor your worth.”
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“I see that this situation with your friends is making you feel sad, and I get how tough that is. You deserve to be around people who lift you up."
Allowing them to feel the consequences of their decisions, such as feeling left out or hurt, is a way for them to learn the value of healthy relationships and develop emotional intelligence. The key is to be there for them through the experience, providing a safe space for them to talk, reflect, and learn from what they’re going through.
Sometimes, the pain of exclusion can prompt your teen to reevaluate their friendships, discover their own needs and boundaries, and develop a stronger sense of self-worth. With your guidance, your teen can emerge from these challenges with a better understanding of the types of friends who are truly worth keeping, and more importantly, the self-confidence to stand up for themselves in future situations.
By trusting them to navigate the consequences of their social interactions and providing steady support, you’re helping them grow into emotionally intelligent individuals who are capable of creating healthy, fulfilling relationships in the future.
E – Evaluate Effectiveness
Regular check-ins are essential to ensure the strategies you’re using are working. It’s okay if the first approach doesn’t solve everything—keep adjusting as needed!
Invite your teen to review:
After a few weeks, check in with your teen about how things are going. Keep it relaxed and nonjudgmental:
- “How do you think things are going with your friends? What worked and what didn’t?”
- “Do you feel like you’ve been able to talk to anyone about what’s going on? What’s been helpful?”
- “Have you noticed anything changing with your friends? How do you feel about it?”
Acknowledge What HAS Worked:
Make sure to recognize and praise the small wins:
- “I noticed you’ve started speaking up more about how you feel, even if it’s hard, and I’m really proud of you for doing that.”
- “I can see you’ve been practicing being assertive with your friends, and I think it’s really helping you set boundaries.”
Encourage Accountability:
It’s important for both of you to take responsibility for the process. If something isn’t working, approach it with a mindset of flexibility and understanding:
- “If you’re feeling excluded and haven’t spoken up yet, what do you think we could do differently next time?”
- “Is there something about the plan that doesn’t feel right? What could we change so it’s easier for you?”
- “I know you’ve been working hard on this, and I’m here to help make it easier if it’s not going how we expected.
Adjust if needed:
Ask open-ended questions to help both of you find a solution together:
- “What do you think would make it easier for you to talk to me when things feel off with your friends?”
- “Is there something we can do differently to help you feel supported but not pressured?”
- “How can I give you more space while still being there for you when you need me?”
Still Struggling?
Don’t lose hope. It can take time to figure out the best way to deal with friend exclusion. You might need to adjust your approach more than once, and that’s okay!
Reassess:
Take a fresh look at the situation. Maybe something needs tweaking in your approach, or a new strategy might work better. Going back to the start of this guide can help you gain new insights.
Seek Help:
If the exclusion continues and it’s causing significant emotional distress for your teen, consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist. Talking to a professional can provide valuable guidance and strategies to help your teen build resilience and improve their social experiences. Reassure your teen that asking for help is a brave and positive step toward understanding and healing.
