What To Do When Your Teen Gives Up Easily When Things Get Challenging?

When your teen easily gives up in the face of challenges, it can be disheartening and leave you feeling worried about their resilience. As a parent, it's natural to want to help them develop perseverance and face difficulties head-on. You might feel frustrated, confused, or anxious that they’re missing out on opportunities to grow. You long for your teen to embrace challenges and learn from them, yet it often seems like every attempt to motivate them only leads to more resistance.

This article aims to provide you with practical, evidence-based strategies using the COLLABORATE framework to help foster resilience and encourage your teen to persist through difficulties.

C – Clear Your Mind

How you approach your teen when they’re feeling defeated can significantly impact how they respond. If your teen is already feeling discouraged, bringing your own strong emotions into the mix can make matters worse. Before you engage, take a moment for self-reflection.

ASK YOURSELF:

“Am I calm, cool, and collected?”: Approaching your teen with a calm demeanor can create a supportive environment. If you’re feeling anxious or frustrated, it can lead to comments that may make them feel worse.

How to clear your mind: Take a few deep breaths, go for a short walk, or give yourself a few minutes to gather your thoughts. It’s perfectly fine to take a moment to compose yourself before addressing the situation.

“What assumptions am I making about my teen’s actions?”: Letting go of assumptions allows you to approach your teen with an open mind. For instance, you might catch yourself thinking:

• They're too lazy to put in any effort."

• "They must think they can’t handle anything challenging."

• "They need constant guidance because they can't figure things out on their own."

• "They're emotionally weak and can't deal with setbacks."

• "They can't cope with stress or pressure."

•  "They're just trying to get attention by giving up."

How to clear your mind of assumptions: Remind yourself, “These are just guesses. I don’t know everything that’s going on.” List objective observations, like “They didn’t complete their project” or “They seemed really upset after that exam.” Sticking to facts helps avoid misunderstandings about their intentions.

“What solutions have I already decided could fix this problem?”: Jumping to conclusions about how to motivate your teen can lead to more frustration. You might think:

• “They just need to try harder.”
• “I’ll just tell them they can’t give up.”
• "I'll take their phone away until they get it done."

How to clear your mind of pre-conceived solutions: Focus on understanding your teen’s feelings first. Tell yourself, “I need to get to the root of why they’re feeling overwhelmed before I suggest any solutions.” This mindset fosters a safe space for your teen to share their feelings without fear of judgment.

O – Open Your Heart

The way we perceive our teens greatly affects how we engage with them.

ASK YOURSELF:

“Do I see my teen as a bad kid trying to be difficult or a good kid having a difficult time?": Labeling your teen as someone who is lazy or defiant can lead to punitive responses that damage their self-esteem. Instead, recognize that they are navigating tough times. For instance, if your teen quits a project before finishing, they might not just be lazy—they could be feeling overwhelmed and unsure of how to proceed.

How to open your heart to your teen’s character: Shift your perspective to understand that your teen is doing their best under challenging circumstances. This mindset creates a supportive environment where they feel safe to express their challenges.

“Am I assuming the worst intention or giving them the benefit of the doubt?”: Jumping to conclusions about your teen’s intentions—especially when they give up—can lead to misunderstandings. If your teen withdraws from an activity, you might think they just don’t care, but they could be feeling overwhelmed or uncertain about their abilities.

How to open your heart to your teen’s best intentions: Consider the Best Possible Explanation (BPE) for their behavior. Instead of thinking, “They just don’t want to try,” think, “They might be feeling insecure about their abilities.” This positive reframing fosters patience and empathy, allowing for constructive conversations. When you connect, you might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been feeling frustrated with your projects. I’m here to help if you want to talk about it.”

“Am I focused on my teen’s weaknesses or their strengths?”: Concentrating solely on their weaknesses—like their tendency to give up—can create a negative cycle. In contrast, recognizing and celebrating their strengths helps build their confidence and resilience.

How to open your heart to your teen’s strengths: Reflect on how their strengths can help in challenging situations. For example, you might say, “I know tackling new subjects can feel overwhelming, but you’ve always been great at finding creative solutions. How about we brainstorm some ways to tackle this project together?” This not only validates their experience but also highlights their ability to overcome challenges by leveraging their strengths.

L – Listen with Empathy

Teens often retreat when they feel dismissed or misunderstood, particularly in moments of frustration or self-doubt. For instance, if your teen shares their struggles with a difficult subject and you respond with advice to “just try harder,” they may feel invalidated and be less likely to open up in the future.

This is why listening is one of your most powerful tools as a parent. When you listen with empathy, your teen feels heard, which builds connection and makes them feel safe enough to share their thoughts and feelings with you.

If your teen won’t talk to you about their challenges, that’s okay. Every conversation, big or small, is an opportunity to connect and build that crucial trust. Let them express themselves fully, creating an inviting atmosphere for open dialogue.

ASK YOURSELF:

How am I showing my teen that I’m truly listening? If they sense you’re distracted or uninterested, they might shut down. For example, if your teen shares their struggles with a project and you respond with indifference, you risk closing the door on future conversations.

How to show your teen they have your undivided attention:

• Eliminate distractions: Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and create a quiet space for talking. This demonstrates that you value their thoughts, whether discussing serious topics or lighter interests.

• Use body language: Face your teen directly and lean in slightly to show engagement. Your presence matters when they share something significant to them.

• Verbal acknowledgments: Use phrases like “I understand” or “That sounds tough” to reinforce that you’re actively listening, encouraging them to share more.

What is this experience like from my teen’s perspective? Your goal right now is to understand the situation from your teen’s point of view to the very best of your ability. If they feel overwhelmed or misunderstood, knowing how they interpret their experiences can foster a supportive conversation.

How to step into their shoes:

• Recognize their feelings: When your teen talks about giving up on a challenge, consider how their experience reflects something significant for them. If they express frustration, acknowledge that it’s okay to feel that way.

• Understand their beliefs: If your teen believes that struggling means they’re not good enough, they may hesitate to share. Make it clear that their feelings are valid, regardless of the situation.

• Acknowledge what’s important to them: Understand that fear of judgment might prevent them from opening up. By allowing them to express themselves freely, you create a foundation of trust that encourages them to share their struggles later on.

A – Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are crucial for fostering dialogue with your teen. They encourage self-reflection, provide insight into their thoughts and emotions, and help you gather more context to respond effectively. By avoiding closed questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," you promote exploration and allow your teen to express themselves without feeling judged or rushed.

Tip: Ask questions that start with “What,” “How,” or “Tell me more about…” to keep the conversation open and exploratory. For example, instead of asking, “Did you finish your homework?” consider asking, “What challenges did you face while working on your homework?”
 

Tip: After asking a question, allow time for your teen to process by staying silent. Resist the urge to jump in—let them fill the awkward silence with their own thoughts and responses.
 

Sample Open-Ended Questions:

• “What do you feel when a task starts to get difficult?”
• “How do you usually respond when you think you might fail at something?”
• “What could make it easier for you to stick with tasks even when they’re challenging?”

B – Bridge the Gap

Bridging the gap is where the magic happens! This step is all about making your teen feel heard, seen, and validated, which builds trust, respect, safety, and deeper connections in your relationship. When your teen struggles to persist through challenges, it’s essential to take intentional steps to create an environment where they feel comfortable opening up.

Reflect Back What You Heard: Reflecting shows your teen that you are genuinely listening, giving them a chance to clarify or elaborate on what they’re feeling. It also helps avoid misunderstandings that can lead to frustration and further withdrawal. For example:

• If your teen expresses frustration about a school project, you might say, “So it sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed by the project and unsure about how to move forward. Is that correct?”
• If they mention wanting to give up on a sport, you could say, “It seems like you’re feeling discouraged about your progress. Did I get that right?”

Validate Their Feelings: Validating your teen’s feelings helps them feel accepted and understood, reinforcing their emotional safety. When teens feel their emotions are recognized, they’re more likely to open up about deeper issues. For example:

• If your teen expresses anxiety about failing a test, you might say, “It sounds like you’re really anxious about how the test might go. I can see why that would be stressful.”
• If they’re upset about struggling in a subject, you could say, “I understand how frustrating it can be when things don’t come together the way you hoped.”

Affirm That You Are on Their Team: This reassures your teen that your goal is to support them, not to judge or control them. When teens know that their parents are in their corner, they are more likely to share their thoughts and feelings openly. For example:

• “I’m here to help and support you, not to judge or push you.”
• "I want to see you succeed, and I'm here to listen and help you work through it, no matter what."
• “Whatever challenges you’re facing, we’re in this together.”

O – Offer Your Perspective

This is your chance to share your specific worries about why it feels tough when your teen isn’t talking or struggling to persist. This step is essential for helping them understand your concerns and why they matter, ultimately building trust and respect in your relationship.

Ask Yourself “What Am I Really Worried About?”: It’s important to differentiate between exaggerated fears and genuine concerns. When teens express frustration or retreat, it can send parents into a tailspin of anxiety, often leading to misconceptions about what's really happening. For example:

• My teen could develop a fear of failure that prevents them from trying new things.
• My teen might miss out on important life skills that come from persevering through difficulties.
• My teen could struggle with self-esteem and confidence issues if they don’t learn to cope with setbacks.
• My teen could carry these avoidance behaviors into adulthood, affecting their relationships and career prospects.

It's important to remember that your teen isn't responsible for easing your worries, especially when those concerns stem from "what if" scenarios or worst-case fears. Instead, it's our role as parents to understand the reasons behind their disengagement.

Express Your Valid Concern
When talking about why it’s tough when they’re struggling to stick with tasks, avoid making sweeping statements or jumping to conclusions based on fear. Focus on specific behaviors that worry you and how those might impact their well-being. Use “I statements” to communicate your feelings without blaming them, keeping the conversation respectful and constructive.

Tip: Use this template to frame your concerns: “I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because [impact].”

Examples:

• “I worry that if you don’t stick with tasks that are difficult, it might be hard for you to handle challenges in the future.”
• “I'm concerned that if you don’t feel comfortable trying again after a setback, it could lead to missed opportunities and frustration.”

R – Resolve Together

Collaborating with your teen to find a solution and reach an agreement is essential. Creating an environment where they feel heard is key to understanding their reluctance to face challenges. The ONE Thing technique can help pinpoint a core issue, making it easier to find a resolution.

Ask your teen: “What’s the ONE thing that you need most?” For example:

• “I need you to stop pressuring me.”
• “I want you to support me instead of pushing me to just try harder.”
• “I just need you to be okay if I make a mistake.”

Share with your teen: “The ONE thing I need the most is…” For example:

• “I need to see you trying your best because it makes me feel good knowing you’re building the grit you’ll need for tough times ahead.”

• “I need us to talk openly about failure because it creates a space where you can share your worries, and we can tackle challenges together.”

• “I need to know that my support is actually helping because it boosts my confidence as a parent and helps me figure out how to back you up better.”

Ask: “How can we meet both of these needs?” Work together to brainstorm solutions that address both your needs. For example:

• Try Something New” Challenges: Create challenges where both the parent and teen try something new together, allowing room for mistakes and learning. This could be anything from a new hobby to cooking a new dish.
• Positive Reinforcement for Effort: Develop a system for recognizing and celebrating efforts rather than outcomes. Parents can verbally acknowledge the hard work their teen puts into tasks, regardless of the result.
• Mindfulness and Stress Reduction Techniques: Introduce mindfulness practices, such as meditation or breathing exercises, to help the teen manage stress and pressure. Parents can participate to model support.

Create an agreement: Outline the agreed-upon solution and expectations for both you and your teen clearly. Be specific to avoid misunderstandings. For example:

• We will choose and complete one new activity together on the first Saturday of each month at 2 PM, keeping a shared journal to reflect on our experiences and celebrate what we learned.
• We will recognize and celebrate each other’s efforts every Sunday at 5 PM by discussing at least three efforts made during the week, and for every three weeks of consistent recognition, we will plan a small reward together, such as a movie night or special dessert.
• We will practice mindfulness techniques together every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at 6 PM for at least 10 minutes, maintaining a log of the activities we try and reflecting on our feelings afterward during a brief discussion.

Tip: If either of you struggles to identify the ONE thing, try these prompts:

• “What’s one thing that would help you feel more motivated when things get tough?”
• “What’s one change I could make that would encourage you to keep trying?”
• “If we could adjust one part of how we handle setbacks, what would it be?”

A – Anticipate Obstacles

Both you and your teen should anticipate potential challenges together. This approach fosters teamwork and emphasizes the importance of honesty in your conversations. By identifying possible roadblocks in advance, you’ll be better prepared to handle them when they arise.

Ask your teen: “What might get in the way of sticking to our plan?” or “What would make it hard to keep trying?” For example:

1. “I might forget to ask for help when I need it.”
2. “I could feel like giving up if it gets too hard.”
3. “I might worry that my efforts won’t be enough.”

Share obstacles you might encounter. For example:

• “I might forget to remind you that it’s okay to make mistakes.”
• “I might feel overwhelmed and unintentionally push you to try harder.”
• “I’m concerned I might say something that discourages you instead of supporting you.”

Develop a contingency plan: Use the format: "If [name obstacle] happens, we will [list contingency]." For example:

• “If you feel like giving up, I’ll encourage you to take a break and talk about how you’re feeling.”
• “If you forget to share what’s bothering you, I’ll gently remind you that I’m here to listen.”
• “If I say something that seems to discourage you, let’s agree to take a step back and revisit it when we’re both ready.”

T – Trust Your Teen

It’s crucial to step back and foster autonomy, resilience, and self-trust in teens. Trusting your teen doesn’t mean you disengage completely; rather, it involves balancing oversight with independence, allowing them to navigate challenges on their own, especially when faced with difficulties.

Communicate trust: Building trust strengthens your relationship and empowers your teen to keep trying, even when things get tough. Use phrases that affirm your confidence in their ability to persist. For example:

• “I trust you to keep pushing through this challenge because I know you have the strength to overcome it.”
• “I believe in your ability to find solutions, and I’m here to support you if you need help along the way.”
• “I trust you to reach out when you feel overwhelmed; you can lean on me as you work through this.”
• “I know you can figure out how to handle setbacks; I have faith in your ability to bounce back.”

Step Back: Allowing space fosters independence and problem-solving skills, enabling your teen to learn resilience. This means avoiding micromanaging, over-checking, nagging, or trying to solve every problem for them. Some questions to check yourself are:

• “Have I stepped back enough to let them learn to cope with challenges?”
• “Am I giving them the freedom to struggle a little and develop their problem-solving skills?”
• “Am I allowing them the opportunity to discover their own strengths and strategies?”

Allow natural consequences to play out: Experiencing natural consequences helps teens learn accountability and resilience. Encourage your teen to face the outcomes of their actions while providing support from a distance. Remind yourself that these experiences, even if challenging, are valuable for their growth.

For example, if they choose to quit on a project and miss the deadline, instead of stepping in, you might say, “I know this feels tough right now, but I believe you’ll learn from this experience. I’m here if you want to talk about how to handle it next time.”

E – Evaluate Effectiveness

It’s essential to regularly check in on how well your strategies are working to connect with your teen. Remember, the first approach might not be perfect, and that’s completely okay! Think of these reviews as chances to tweak your methods and learn what works best. By making this a regular, casual part of your conversations, you’ll keep the lines of communication open and comfortable.

Invite your teen to review: After allowing ample time for adjustment, invite your teen to share their thoughts on how things are going. Keep the conversation safe and casual. For example, you might say:

• “Let’s check in on how things are going. What’s been working for you, and what hasn’t?”
• “How are you feeling about our approach to challenges? Any adjustments you’d like to suggest?”
• “Have you noticed any changes in how you’re handling tough situations?”

Acknowledge What HAS Worked: Make sure to take a moment to recognize any progress, no matter how small! If your teen pushes through a tough situation, let them know how much you appreciate their efforts by saying something like, “Hey, I just wanted to talk about your math assignment. I noticed how you tackled it over several days instead of trying to finish it all at once. I’m really impressed with how you took the time to break it down and work through the tougher parts, especially when you were feeling frustrated. That shows real determination and strength. I know it wasn’t easy, but you pushed through and didn’t let those challenges stop you. Keep it up! You’re proving to yourself that you can handle tough situations. How did it feel to get it done?”

Acknowledging these successes not only strengthens your bond but also encourages them to keep trying. It’s all about celebrating their determination and building on it together.

Encourage Accountability: Improving your relationship is a two-way effort, and your teen will often follow your lead in taking responsibility and being honest. If things aren’t working, don’t place blame—acknowledge that you may not have uncovered the real issue yet, and be willing to try a different approach. When you’re open about the need for adjustments, it shows your teen that honesty is key to finding a solution that truly fits. This balanced, blame-free approach helps both of you feel responsible for working things out together.

Adjust if needed: Encourage an open discussion on potential changes. Ask questions like:

• “If this approach isn’t helping, what’s another way we can tackle these challenges?”
• “What can we adjust moving forward to make it easier for you to stick with things?”
• “Is there anything that feels too difficult or uncomfortable that we should rethink?”

Still Struggling?

• Don’t lose hope! Overcoming challenges with perseverance can be a journey filled with ups and downs. It's completely normal to encounter obstacles along the way.
• Consider starting at the top of the COLLABORATE framework with a fresh perspective. Reassessing your approach can yield new insights and possibilities.
• If you find that your teen continues to struggle with pushing through tough situations, it may be time to seek professional support. Encourage your teen that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness. Together, you can explore these challenges more effectively. Professional guidance can offer valuable tools and strategies that benefit both of you, ultimately nurturing a more open and trusting relationship as you navigate the path toward resilience together.