What To Do When Your Teen Starts Lying or Hiding Things From You

When your teen begins lying or hiding things from you, it can feel like a betrayal that shakes the foundation of your relationship. As a parent, you might find yourself questioning what led to this change in behavior and whether you’ve missed any warning signs. Feelings of confusion, hurt, and worry can overwhelm you, leaving you anxious about the state of your connection with your child. You may fear that their secrecy signals deeper issues, or you might feel frustrated that your attempts to communicate only seem to push them further away.

Understanding why teens resort to dishonesty or concealment is essential. It could stem from their desire for independence, fear of disappointing you, or a need to navigate complex social pressures on their own. This article aims to provide you with practical, evidence-based strategies using the COLLABORATE framework to help bridge the communication gap and restore trust between you and your teen.

C – Clear Your Mind

How you show up for your teen when they’re lying or hiding things can significantly influence how the situation unfolds. If your teen is already feeling defensive, bringing your own strong emotions into the mix can escalate tensions instead of calming things down. Before you engage, it’s important to take a moment for self-reflection.

ASK YOURSELF:

“Am I calm, cool, and collected?” Approaching your teen when you’re calm can shift the entire dynamic of the conversation. If you’re feeling angry, frustrated, or worried, it’s easy to respond with accusations or defensiveness.

How to clear your mind: Take a few deep breaths, step outside for some fresh air, or give yourself a few minutes to gather your thoughts. Remember, it’s perfectly fine to take a moment to cool down before addressing the situation.

“What assumptions am I making about my teen’s actions?” Letting go of assumptions can help you approach the situation with a more open mind. For example, you might catch yourself thinking:

• They are being dishonest and disrespectful.
• They are trying to manipulate me on purpose.
• They think they are smarter than me and can get away with it.
• They must be hiding something much worse from me.

How to clear your mind of assumptions: Remind yourself, “These are just guesses. I don’t know everything that’s going on.” List the objective observations you have, like “They avoided eye contact when I asked about their friends” or “They seem anxious when I bring up their phone.” Sticking to what you know helps avoid misunderstandings and jumping to conclusions about their intentions.

“What solutions have I already decided could fix this problem?” Jumping to conclusions about how to address your teen’s dishonesty can lead to more conflict. Some common solutions parents often consider that may backfire are:

• Confronting them aggressively about their lies
• Issuing strict punishments
• Going through their belongings or phone without permission

How to clear your mind of preconceived solutions: Focus on understanding your teen’s emotions first. Tell yourself, “I need to get to the root of why they feel the need to hide things before I suggest any solutions.” This mindset will help create a space where your teen feels safe to express their feelings without feeling judged.

O – Open Your Heart

The way we perceive our teens significantly influences how we approach situations with them.

ASK YOURSELF:

“Do I see my teen as a bad person creating a challenging situation or as a good person having a challenging time?”: Labeling your teen as “dishonest” for lying can lead to harsh responses that harm their self-esteem. Instead, recognize that they may be grappling with pressures or fears that lead to their secrecy. For instance, if your teen has started lying about where they’re going or who they’re with, it’s easy to think they’re being rebellious. However, they might be worried about fitting in or facing judgment from peers.

How to open your heart to your teen’s character: Shift your perspective to understand that your teen is trying to navigate complex emotions and situations. Letting them know that mistakes, including lying, are part of the learning process can help them feel less defined by their actions. This approach creates a supportive environment where they feel safe to express themselves, knowing you understand their struggles and are there to guide them.

“Am I assuming the worst intentions or giving them the benefit of the doubt?”: Jumping to conclusions about your teen’s intentions—especially when they’re being secretive—can lead to misunderstandings and harsh reactions. For example, if your teen isn’t open about their activities, you might assume they’re trying to deceive you. However, assuming the worst can escalate conflicts and push them further away. Conversely, giving them the benefit of the doubt encourages trust and healthier communication.

How to open your heart to your teen’s best intentions: Consider the Best Possible Explanation (BPE) for their behavior. Instead of thinking, “They’re lying to me,” consider that they might be feeling overwhelmed by social pressures or worried about disappointing you. This positive reframing allows you to approach the situation with patience and empathy, opening the door for constructive dialogue. You might say, “I’ve noticed you haven’t been very open with me lately. I’m here whenever you’re ready to share. Can you help me understand why you don’t feel comfortable talking to me right now?”

“Am I focused on my teen’s weaknesses or their strengths?”: Concentrating solely on your teen’s dishonest behavior can create a negative atmosphere that discourages them from being open. In contrast, acknowledging and celebrating their strengths helps build their confidence and encourages them to be more honest.

How to open your heart to your teen’s strengths: Rather than only pointing out the negatives, recognize the positive qualities your teen already demonstrates. For instance, if they show responsibility in their schoolwork or have good problem-solving skills, highlight those traits. You might say, “I really admire how responsible you are with your studies. Let’s use that same strength to work together on finding ways to communicate better. I want you to feel comfortable sharing anything with me, and I’m here to support you.”

L – Look Beneath the Behavior

Your teen’s dishonesty—whether it’s lying about their whereabouts, hiding their phone, or avoiding questions—is often not the core problem; it’s a symptom of deeper issues. Focusing solely on the lies or secrecy can lead to punitive reactions that push your teen further away instead of opening the door to understanding. As teens navigate this challenging stage, traditional methods of behavior modification—like rewards or punishments—can become ineffective and may even exacerbate the issue, resulting in increased deceit or secretive behavior. Instead, let’s look beneath the behavior.

ASK YOURSELF:

“Am I focusing on WHAT my teen is doing, or WHY they’re doing it?”: Until the underlying issue is addressed, the dishonesty is likely to persist or even evolve into different forms of avoidance. For example, if you confront your teen about their dishonesty and they respond defensively, it can feel frustrating and lead to a cycle of mistrust. Instead of applying quick fixes, we need to engage in the deeper work of understanding what's happening beneath the surface. Remember, our strongest tool right now is connection.

How to Look Beyond the Behavior: Recognize that your teen’s actions—like lying about where they’ve been or who they’re with—are often their way of coping with underlying discomfort, whether it's fear of judgment, anxiety about disappointing you, or a struggle with their self-identity. When we understand the behaviors associated with these issues, we can shift our focus from merely reacting to what we see to addressing the emotional and mental struggles beneath the surface. Here are five common reasons teens might resort to dishonesty:

1. Fear of Consequences: They may fear that being truthful will lead to punishment or disappointment, leading them to lie instead.
2. Desire for Independence: Teens often crave autonomy and may lie to assert their independence, feeling that honesty would lead to unwanted restrictions.
3. Peer Pressure: They might be hiding their behaviors or choices to fit in with friends or avoid being judged.
4. Insecurity: Feeling insecure about their choices or identities can prompt them to lie as a way to project an image they think is more acceptable.
5. Overwhelm: Academic pressure or personal issues can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, prompting them to hide their struggles instead of seeking help.

“Am I Focused More on How Their Behavior Is Impacting ME or How My Behavior Is Impacting THEM?”: It’s easy to feel hurt or frustrated when faced with dishonesty, but it's essential to consider how your reactions might influence their willingness to be honest. Reflect on your communication style and approach—are you creating an environment where your teen feels safe to express their feelings without judgment? Shifting the focus from your feelings of betrayal to understanding their struggles can pave the way for more open and honest conversations. This mindset encourages a supportive atmosphere where your teen feels empowered to share their truth rather than hide it.

L – Listen with Empathy

Teens often retreat into silence or resort to dishonesty if they feel dismissed or misunderstood. For instance, if your teen is evasive when you ask about their day and you respond with frustration or skepticism, they may become even more reluctant to share their thoughts in the future. That’s why listening is one of your most powerful tools as a parent. When you listen with empathy, your teen feels heard and validated, which builds connection and creates a safe space for them to share their truths, even when they are difficult.

If your teen won’t talk to you about their feelings or experiences, that’s okay. Every conversation—big or small—presents an opportunity to connect and build crucial trust. Let them express themselves fully and create an inviting atmosphere for open dialogue.

ASK YOURSELF:

How am I showing my teen that I’m truly listening? If they sense you’re distracted or uninterested, they might shut down or become defensive. For example, if your teen shares something they feel guilty about and you respond harshly, you risk closing the door on future conversations.

How to show your teen they have your undivided attention:

• Eliminate distractions: Put away your phone, turn off the TV, and create a quiet space for talking. This demonstrates that you value their thoughts, whether discussing serious topics or lighter interests.
• Use body language: Face your teen directly and lean in slightly to show engagement. Your presence matters when they share something significant or sensitive to them.
• Verbal acknowledgments: Use phrases like “I hear you” or “That’s important” or “Help me understand” to reinforce that you’re actively listening and encourage them to share more.

What was this experience like from my teen’s perspective? Your one and only goal right now is to understand the situation from your teen’s point of view as best as you can. If they feel overwhelmed or misunderstood, knowing how they interpret their experiences can foster a supportive conversation.

How to step into their shoes:

• Recognize their feelings: When your teen talks about avoiding questions, consider how their hesitation might reflect deeper worries about being judged or punished. If they’re anxious about sharing, acknowledge that feeling, and approach them gently.
• Understand their beliefs: If your teen believes you won’t respond supportively or that you might overreact, they may hesitate to share the truth. Make it clear that their thoughts and feelings matter, regardless of the topic. 
• Acknowledge what’s important to them: Understand that the fear of judgment might prevent them from opening up. By allowing them to express themselves freely, you create a foundation of trust that encourages them to share more significant struggles later.

A – Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are crucial for fostering dialogue with your teen, especially when addressing issues of dishonesty. They encourage self-reflection, provide insight into their thoughts and emotions, and help you gather more context to respond effectively. By avoiding closed questions that can be answered with a simple "yes" or "no," you promote exploration and allow your teen to express themselves without feeling judged or rushed.

Tip: Ask questions that start with “What,” “How,” or “Tell me more about…” to keep the conversation open and exploratory. For example, instead of asking, “Did you lie about where you went?” consider asking, “What makes it tough for you to share where you’ve been lately?”

Tip: After asking a question, allow plenty of time for your teen to process by staying silent. Resist the urge to jump in—let them fill the awkward silence with their own thoughts and responses.

Sample Open-Ended Questions:

• “What do you think would happen if you told me the truth about something?”
• “Can you describe a time when you felt comfortable being honest with me? What made that different?”
• “What do you believe I might think or feel if you shared your true thoughts with me?”
• “When do you feel the urge to hide things from me the most, and why do you think that is?”
• “How does it feel to keep something from me? What goes through your mind?”
• “In what situations do you find it easiest to be honest, and when is it hardest?”
• “What emotions do you experience when you think about being dishonest?”
• “What influences your decision to tell a lie or withhold the truth?”
• “How do you feel when you think someone might judge you for what you’re going through?”
• “When you’re faced with a tough question from me, what thoughts or feelings come up?”
• “Are there any past experiences that make you hesitant to share your truth with me?”
• “How do you think your friends handle honesty with their parents? Does that affect how you approach our conversations?”
• “What kind of support do you think you need from me to feel more comfortable being honest?”
• “How do you think our relationship impacts your willingness to be truthful?”
• “Are there certain topics you find especially hard to talk about? What makes them difficult?”
• “What could I do differently that might help you feel safer sharing your honest thoughts and feelings?”

B – Bridge the Gap

Bridging the gap is crucial for addressing dishonesty in your relationship with your teen. This step focuses on creating a space where your teen feels acknowledged, respected, and safe to share, even about challenging topics. When a teen hides things or is dishonest, it's vital to actively work on strengthening the connection.

Reflect Back What You Heard: Reflecting allows your teen to feel genuinely listened to and gives them an opportunity to clarify or expand on their feelings. This can help reduce misunderstandings that may lead to further withdrawal. For example:

• If your teen says they’re “fine” but you sense something’s off, you might say, “So it sounds like you’re trying to say everything’s okay, but I’m sensing there’s more beneath the surface. Is there something you want to share?”
• If they mention feeling overwhelmed with their social life but aren’t sharing specifics, you could say, “It sounds like navigating friendships is a bit tricky for you right now. Am I getting that right?”

Validate Their Feelings: Validating your teen’s emotions helps them feel accepted and understood, which is essential for emotional safety. When teens believe their feelings are recognized, they are more inclined to discuss deeper issues. For example:

• If your teen seems upset about not being honest with you, you might say, “It sounds like you’re feeling anxious about what I might think if you were to share the truth. That’s completely understandable.”
• If they express guilt over hiding something, you could respond, “I can see that you're feeling conflicted about what’s going on. It’s normal to feel that way when you’re unsure how I might react.”

Affirm That You Are on Their Team: Reassuring your teen that you are there to support them, not to judge, helps build trust. When they know you are on their side, they are more likely to open up. For example:

• “I want you to know that I’m here to help you, not to judge your decisions.”
• “Whatever you’re dealing with, we’re a team, and I’m here to listen and support you through it.”

O – Offer Your Perspective

This step is your opportunity to share your genuine concerns about their dishonesty. Helping your teen understand why this issue matters can strengthen your relationship and enhance their willingness to communicate.

Ask Yourself, “What Am I Really Worried About?”: Differentiate between your exaggerated fears and genuine concerns. When teens hide things, it can lead parents to feel anxious and jump to conclusions about what’s happening. For example:

• My teen must be using drugs or alcohol.
• My teen must be engaging in dangerous activities that put their safety at risk.
• My teen must be struggling academically and is at risk of failing school.
• My teen must be getting involved in illegal activities and may face legal trouble.
• My teen must be dealing with mental health issues like depression or anxiety.
• My teen is sabotaging their future success by not being honest with me.

Remember, your teen is not responsible for alleviating your fears, especially when they are unsubstantiated. It’s crucial to recognize that their silence may stem from their own struggles.

Express Your Valid Concern: When discussing the difficulties of their dishonesty, focus on specific, objective behaviors and how they might impact their well-being. Use “I statements” to share your feelings without placing blame, ensuring the conversation remains respectful and constructive.

Tip: Use this template: “I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because [impact].”

Examples:

• “I feel worried when I notice you’re not being open about your feelings because I want to ensure you’re safe and supported.”
• “I feel anxious when you’re not truthful with me because I fear you might be struggling with something you can’t handle alone.”  

R – Resolve Together

Finding common ground with your teen is essential when addressing lying or sneaky behavior. Working together to establish solutions fosters accountability and strengthens your relationship. This is where the ONE Thing technique comes into play. By narrowing the focus to one central concern, you can facilitate more effective communication and resolution.

Ask your teen: “What’s the ONE thing that you need most right now?” For example:

• I need you to listen without judging me

• I need you to respect my privacy

Share with your teen: “The ONE thing I need most is…” because…" For example:

• I need to know that I can trust you
• I need to make sure you’re safe

Tip: If pinpointing the ONE Thing is challenging, dig deeper into your needs and motivations. Often, surface-level concerns mask deeper emotions or desires. By asking "why" repeatedly, you can uncover the core issues driving behaviors and needs, leading to more fruitful conversations and solutions.

Use these prompts to get to the heart of what you truly want:

• “What are your biggest worries about being honest with me?”
• “What do you hope will happen if you keep things to yourself?”
• “How can I make it easier for you to come to me with difficult topics?”

Ask: “How can we meet both of these needs?” Collaborate with your teen to brainstorm solutions that accommodate both perspectives. Here are some ideas to consider:

• Create a Safe Word for Privacy: Agree on a "safe word" that your teen can use when they feel uncomfortable with a topic. This gives them the autonomy to set boundaries while reassuring you that you can still have a respectful relationship.
• Establish a “No Judgment Zone”: Designate a specific time or place as a “no judgment zone” for open dialogue. During this time, you promise to listen without reacting immediately, allowing your teen to express themselves freely.

Create an agreement: Draft a written agreement outlining the solutions and expectations for both you and your teen. Being specific helps prevent future misunderstandings. For example:

• Every Wednesday evening from 6:00 PM to 6:30 PM we'll meet in the living room to talk about what's going on without any risk of judgement or consequences.
• Whenever you feel uncomfortable discussing a topic, say our safe word, "Petunia" and we will take a pause or change the subject. After the safe word is used, I'll check in with you to understand what made you uncomfortable.

A – Anticipate Obstacles

Working together to foresee challenges can help strengthen your partnership and emphasize the value of honesty in your relationship. Identifying potential roadblocks ahead of time makes it easier to tackle them when they arise.

Ask your teen: “What do you think might make it hard for us to keep our agreement?” For example:

• “I might feel embarrassed sharing my thoughts.”
• “I could worry about your reaction if I tell you the truth.”
• “I might forget about our check-in time when I’m busy with friends.”

Share obstacles you might face. For example:

• “I might forget to ask how you’re doing during the week.”
• “I might feel anxious about how to respond if you share something difficult.”
• “I might struggle with staying calm if I hear something upsetting.”

Develop a contingency plan: Use the format: "If [name obstacle] happens, we will [list contingency]." For example:

• “If you feel too embarrassed to share, let’s agree that you can write it down first.”
• “If I react strongly to something you say, let’s agree to take a break and revisit the conversation later.”
• “If you forget our check-in time, I’ll send you a gentle reminder.”

T – Trust Your Teen

Fostering trust is essential, especially when it comes to honesty and transparency. Trusting your teen means giving them the space to grow and learn from their choices while showing that you are still present and supportive.

Communicate Trust: Strengthening trust in your relationship encourages your teen to be honest and open. Use affirming language that shows your belief in their judgment and abilities. For example:

• “I trust you to be honest with me, and I know you can handle tough situations.”
• “I believe in your ability to make good choices, even if you sometimes stumble.”
• “I trust that you’ll talk to me when you’re ready; I’m here for you no matter what.”
• “I know you’ll reach out if something feels too big to handle alone.”

Step Back: Give your teen the space they need to express themselves and learn from their actions. Avoid micromanaging or constantly checking in. Reflect on these questions to gauge your approach:

• “Am I allowing them the freedom to speak their truth?”
• “Have I been too involved in their personal matters?”
• “Am I giving them the chance to handle situations independently?”

Allow Natural Consequences to Play Out: Allowing teens to experience the results of their actions helps them learn accountability. While offering support, let them face the consequences of their choices. For example, if your teen lies about their grades, they may miss out on essential support and opportunities to participate in activities that require good standing. You might say, “This situation is challenging, but I believe you can learn from it. I'm here to help if you want to talk about how to handle it next time.”

E – Evaluate Effectiveness

Regularly assessing your communication strategies is essential for staying connected with your teen, especially when it comes to honesty and transparency. Understand that not every approach will work perfectly right away, and that’s completely okay! Use these evaluations as opportunities to strengthen your relationship and encourage open conversations.

Invite Your Teen to Review: After a reasonable period, check in with your teen about how things have changed regarding honesty. Keep the conversation casual and safe. You might say:

• “Let’s talk about how things are going with our discussions. What’s working for you when it comes to being honest?”
• “How do you feel about the way we’re communicating about trust? Anything we should tweak?”
• “Have you noticed any differences in how we connect when it comes to sharing things honestly?”

Acknowledge What HAS Worked: Celebrate any progress, no matter how small. For example, if your teen admits to forgetting to do their homework instead of trying to cover it up, recognize that honesty by saying, “I really appreciate you being upfront about your homework. It shows me that you're taking accountability, and I’m proud of you for choosing to share that with me.” Acknowledging these moments encourages continued honesty and fosters a supportive atmosphere.

Encourage Accountability: Remind your teen that honesty is a shared responsibility. If you notice that communication isn’t improving, avoid placing blame. Instead, acknowledge that you might need to explore different approaches together. By being open about the need for adjustments, you teach your teen that finding solutions is a collaborative effort.

Adjust if Needed: Openly discuss what might need to change in your approach to encourage honesty. Ask questions like:

• “If this isn’t working, what else can we try to make it easier for you to be truthful?”
• “What changes can we make to help you feel more comfortable sharing with me?”
• “Is there anything about our current plan that feels too tough or makes it hard for you to be honest?”

Still Struggling?

• Don’t lose hope! Dealing with issues of lying and dishonesty can be challenging, and it's normal to encounter setbacks along the way.

• Consider reassessing your approach. Going back to the start of the COLLABORATE framework with a fresh perspective may uncover new strategies for addressing dishonesty and fostering transparency.

• If challenges persist, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Involving a counselor or therapist can provide valuable support and guidance. Remind your teen that asking for help is a sign of strength, and together, you can work through these issues. Professional guidance can offer effective tools to address dishonesty and promote a more open and trusting relationship.