What To Do When Your Teen’s Screen Time Affects Their Sleep

L – Look Beneath the Behavior

Your teen’s screen habits, like staying up late or resisting limits on phone use, are often not the core issue but rather a sign of a deeper struggle. Focusing only on controlling screen time without exploring the root problem may lead to ongoing tension. Teens often turn to screens as a coping tool for challenges like stress, social connection, or even a desire to escape from overwhelming emotions. When we focus solely on stopping their screen use, we may miss the chance to address what’s really going on. As teens grow, traditional strategies like setting strict rules can sometimes feel controlling and might even spark more resistance or secrecy. Instead, let’s try looking beyond the behavior to understand their experience.

ASK YOURSELF:
 

“Am I focused on WHAT my teen is doing or WHY they’re doing it?”

Until the underlying issue is addressed, the behavior will likely continue or reappear in different ways. Think of it like playing “whack-a-mole”: each time you try to curb screen time, another behavior might pop up in response. For example, if you set strict limits, your teen might find ways to use screens in secret, leading to more conflict. Here are some common reasons teens use screens:

• Seeking comfort: Screens can feel like an easy escape from everyday stressors, like school demands or social worries.
• Social connection: Teens may rely on screens for social interaction, especially if they find it difficult to connect face-to-face.
• Avoiding discomfort: Using screens can help them avoid dealing with more challenging or uncomfortable feelings.
• Relaxation: For many teens, screen time feels like a way to wind down, even if it disrupts sleep later.

“Am I focused more on how their behavior is impacting ME or how their behavior is impacting THEM?”

It’s easy to become preoccupied with how a teen’s screen habits disrupt family routines, affect bedtime, or lead to frustration when they resist limits. When we view the behavior mainly through the lens of how it bothers us, we risk overlooking its emotional impact on them. Shifting your focus to consider how screen time might be affecting them—their sleep, well-being, and ability to manage stress—allows you to better understand the role screens play in their life.

Reframing this way helps you see the bigger picture and opens the door to productive conversations about healthier habits. Rather than reacting to the inconvenience, you’re working together to address the underlying needs screens fulfill and finding better ways to meet those needs.

L – Listen with Empathy

Teens may resist screen-time discussions if they feel misunderstood or dismissed. For instance, if you criticize the time they spend on their phone without acknowledging their reasons for using it, they might become defensive or shut down. Listening with empathy is one of your most powerful tools as a parent. When you approach the topic with genuine curiosity, your teen will feel seen and understood, creating a safe space for honest discussion. Even if they don’t share deep feelings right away, every conversation can help build trust. Allowing them to express themselves openly shows that you’re interested in their perspective and that you’re there to support them.

ASK YOURSELF:

How am I showing my teen that I’m truly listening?

If they sense you’re only interested in setting rules, they might shut down or hide their screen use. For example, if they’re trying to explain how screens help them relax and you respond with criticism, you may close the door on future conversations.

How to show your teen they have your full attention:

• Eliminate distractions: Put away your phone, turn off other screens, and find a quiet time to talk. This shows you’re invested in understanding their experience.
• Use body language: Face them directly, make eye contact, and nod along to show interest in what they’re saying.
• Verbal acknowledgments: Use affirming phrases like “I hear you,” “I can see why that helps,” or “Tell me more,” which encourage them to share their perspective.

What is their experience with screens like from their perspective?

Try to understand why screens are so appealing to them. Do they use screens as a way to relax, escape, or connect with friends? The goal is to see the situation through their eyes so you can address the root of their attachment to screens, rather than just the screen time itself.

How to step into their shoes:

• Recognize their feelings: Screens may feel like a crucial way to unwind or stay connected. Even if you disagree, acknowledge their need to relax or feel included.
• Understand their beliefs: If they feel you’ll dismiss their reasons for using screens, they might not want to share. Show that you’re open to understanding why it matters to them.
• Acknowledge what’s important to them: Reassure them that you understand screens may feel essential to them, and that your goal is to support them in a balanced way. This builds trust and can open doors to more constructive conversations about their screen habits.

A – Ask Open-Ended Questions

Open-ended questions are crucial when exploring your teen's screen use, especially if it's affecting their sleep. These questions foster dialogue, encouraging self-reflection and helping you better understand why screens are so appealing to them at night. By avoiding closed questions that lead to one-word responses, you give your teen space to explore their thoughts and share their perspective.

Tip: Begin with “What,” “How,” or “Tell me more about…” to keep the conversation open and curious. For example, instead of asking, “Do you think screen time is keeping you up?” try asking, “What do you enjoy most about being on your phone at night?”

Tip: After asking a question, give your teen time to think and respond. Silence can feel awkward, but it often encourages them to dig deeper and share more honest answers.

Sample Open-Ended Questions:

• “What makes you feel drawn to your phone or computer at night?”
• “How do you feel when you’re using your phone in the late hours?”
• “Tell me about what it’s like trying to fall asleep after using your screen for a while.” "How does it compare to when you don't use your phone?

B – Bridge the Gap

This step is all about making your teen feel heard and validated. When they feel like their reasons for staying up late on screens are understood, they’re more likely to open up about their needs or challenges with sleep. By listening carefully, you show them that you're more interested in their experience than simply in setting rules.

Reflect Back What You Heard

Reflecting shows your teen you’re genuinely listening, helping them clarify their own feelings. For example:

• If they share that they feel more relaxed scrolling through social media, you might say, “So it seems like using your phone helps you unwind. Did I get that right?”
• If they mention staying up to chat with friends, you could say, “It sounds like catching up with friends at night feels really important to you. Is that accurate?”

Validate Their Feelings: Validating their experience helps them feel understood, increasing the chance they'll open up about deeper needs. For example:

• “I understand why you’d want some downtime at the end of the day. It can be hard to switch off from everything, can’t it?”
• “It makes sense that you’d want to connect with your friends, especially if it feels easier to chat at night.”

Affirm That You Are on Their Team: Remind your teen that you’re here to support them, not control their every move. Letting them know you’re their ally can help them open up about their screen use and any related challenges they’re facing. For example:

• “I want you to feel supported, even if you’re finding it hard to sleep.”
• “I’m here to help you find what works for you, and I’d love for us to work on this together.”

O – Offer Your Perspective

Here, share your specific concerns about how late-night screen time is impacting their sleep. This is an opportunity to communicate why you’re worried in a way that respects their experience and builds understanding.

Ask Yourself “What Am I Really Worried About?”

Identifying the heart of your concern will help you communicate clearly and respectfully. For example:

• My teen is struggling to wake up in the mornings.
• I’m worried their sleep is affecting their mood or schoolwork.
• They seem more irritable or withdrawn during the day, which might be related to poor sleep.

Express Your Valid Concern: Frame your concern in a way that highlights the behavior’s impact, not your frustration with it. Use “I statements” to share your perspective without assigning blame, keeping the conversation constructive.

Tip: Use this template: “I feel [emotion] when [specific behavior] because [impact].”

Examples:

• “I feel concerned when you’re on screens late because I know how important sleep is for managing stress and focus.”
• “I feel worried when you stay up so late on your phone because I want you to have the energy to enjoy your day fully.”

R – Resolve Together

Collaborating with your teen to find a solution about screen time and sleep can make a big difference. Allow space for compromise by staying open to your teen’s perspective on what might work. Here, the ONE Thing technique is invaluable: by identifying the single core issue, you can clarify your main goal together, making it easier to take meaningful steps forward.

Ask your teen: “What’s the ONE thing you need MOST at night?” For example:

• "I just want to feel relaxed before bed."
• "I want a way to stay connected with my friends."
• "I need to feel trusted that I can handle my own bedtime."

Share with your teen: “The ONE thing I need MOST is…because...” For example:

• "The ONE thing I need the most is that you get enough restorative sleep because I want you to feel refreshed and ready to take on the day."
• "The ONE thing I need the most is for you to establish healthy relaxation techniques because I want you to feel more balanced and better equipped to handle stress."

Tip: If it’s challenging to identify the ONE Thing, it's important to go beyond surface-level solutions. We often focus on immediate fixes without understanding the underlying needs driving those solutions. By asking "why" multiple times, you can uncover the core emotions and desires that shape your preferences, leading to more meaningful discussions and effective agreements.

Use these prompts to help get to the heart of what you truly want:

1. “Why do you like using your phone at night? Why is that important?”
2. “Why don’t you want your teen to use their phone at night? What does it get in the way of? Why is that important?”
3. “How do you want to feel in the morning? Why?”

Ask: “How can we meet both of these needs?” Collaborate with your teen to brainstorm realistic solutions that work for both of you. Here are some ideas to run by your teen:

• Create a Relaxation Ritual: Implement a nightly relaxation routine that could include activities like deep breathing exercises, gentle stretching, reading a calming book, or practicing mindfulness meditation together. Research shows that a consistent wind-down period can enhance sleep quality and reduce anxiety, helping teens to transition smoothly into bedtime.
• Establish a Designated Tech Time: Create a specific time each evening (e.g., after dinner) when your teen can use their phone to connect with friends without the worry of it being taken away later. This guaranteed time reinforces trust while allowing them to engage socially. Research indicates that social connectivity can positively impact mental health, reducing feelings of isolation and stress.
• Use a Sleep-Tracking App Together: Explore sleep-tracking apps that allow both you and your teen to monitor sleep patterns together. Use these insights to discuss adjustments that could enhance sleep quality for BOTH of you, such as ideal bedtimes and pre-sleep activities. Research indicates that being aware of sleep patterns can encourage healthier sleep habits and empower teens to take charge of their own sleep needs.

Create an Agreement: Once you have your solution, outline it clearly to ensure you’re both on the same page. For example:

• “We’ll both put our screens away by 10 p.m. to allow time to wind down.”
• “Designated tech time will be from 7:30 PM to 8:00 PM each evening. During this time, you can use your phone to connect with friends with interruption."
•  "We will download the Sleep Cycle app together by November 1st, and every Sunday evening, we will review our sleep data to discuss adjustments for improving our sleep quality."

A – Anticipate Obstacles

Anticipating potential challenges together builds a sense of teamwork and emphasizes honest communication. By identifying obstacles in advance, you and your teen are more prepared to handle them if they arise.

Ask your teen: “What might make it hard to stick to our plan for screen time and sleep?” For example:

• “I might feel the urge to check my phone late at night.”
• “I could have trouble falling asleep and end up reaching for my phone.”
• “If my friends are messaging me late, I’ll feel like I’m missing out.”

Share obstacles you might encounter. For example:

• “I might get frustrated if it seems like the plan isn’t working right away.”
• “I might struggle with staying consistent in reminding you.”
• “I worry I might push too hard and make you feel pressured.”

Develop a Contingency Plan: Use the format: "If [name obstacle] happens, we will [list contingency]." For example:

• “If you feel like checking your phone, try using a calming activity like listening to a podcast or doing a breathing exercise instead.”
• “If I get frustrated about screen time, I’ll remind myself to step back and trust the process.”
• “If you’re getting late messages, we can try setting up a ‘Do Not Disturb’ function so your sleep isn’t interrupted.”