Why Control Fails and Connection Works with Teens: My Conversation on Raising Teens Without the Power Struggles
I recently had a powerful conversation with Cecilie and Jesper Conrad on their podcast, Self Directed – A Podcast on Life, Learning, and Raising Free Thinkers, all about a topic close to my heart: how to raise teens without constant conflict or control battles.
We talked about something so many parents wrestle with—why the more you try to control your teen, the more out of control the situation often gets.
As someone who works with parents and teens every day, I see this all the time. There's this belief that being firm enough will earn respect. But here’s the truth I shared in our conversation.
Control creates resistance. Connection creates influence.
Control Doesn’t Equal Respect
If your teen only listens out of fear or pressure, that’s not real respect—it’s obedience. And it doesn’t last.
If your goal is to raise a confident, self-reliant adult, they need to practice decision-making, including the ability to say “no” in safe, respectful ways. That’s how they build self-trust—and how we build trust with them.
From Power Struggles to Connection
Jesper opened up about how he used to parent “by volume”—raising his voice, pushing harder—and how that approach just pushed his kids further away. What changed everything for him wasn’t a new parenting technique. It was time.
Just a few minutes of genuine interest—asking about what your teen loves (their music, their art, their latest gaming win)—can rebuild connection faster than any consequence ever could.
Why Dads Often Step Back—and How to Reconnect
One part of our conversation that really stood out was this: many dads step back during the teen years, not because they don’t care, but because they feel lost. Teens become harder to read, harder to reach. And it’s easy to assume that backing off is the only option.
But what they need most is for you to stay present—even if you’re just listening in the background. Influence isn’t about being the loudest voice in the room. It’s about being the most consistent.
Respect vs. Obedience: There’s a Big Difference
We also talked about why obedience shouldn’t be the goal. When teens are allowed to have a voice, push back respectfully, and be part of decision-making, they develop emotional regulation, confidence, and real respect—not because they have to, but because they want to.
This conversation is packed with tools you can use right away. Whether you’re in the thick of eye-rolls and door slams, or just want to prevent the power struggles before they start, this episode will help you shift from conflict to connection.
🎧 Listen to the episode here:
Want more real talk about raising teens?
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🎙️ Or check out my podcast: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
📍 Recorded April 23, 2025 | Budapest, Hungary
