The 7 Critical Ingredients Teens Need to Feel Like They Matter
Inspired by The Psychology of Mattering by Dr. Gordon Flett
Let’s be honest—your teen may not say it out loud, but deep down they’re wondering:
“Do I really matter?”
In The Psychology of Mattering, Dr. Gordon Flett unpacks this overlooked but critical human need. When teens don’t feel like they matter, they’re more likely to shut down, act out, or spiral into anxiety, depression, and disconnection. But when they do feel like they matter? They thrive.
Here are the 7 core elements of mattering, straight from Flett’s research, and how you can help your teen feel each one—starting today.
1. Attention: “Do you even see me?”
Your teen needs to feel noticed—not just when they mess up or achieve something, but in the ordinary, everyday moments. Ignoring them, brushing them off, or being “too busy” can send the message they don’t exist in your world.
How to show it: Look up from your phone when they walk in. Ask about something they care about. Be curious, not just corrective.
2. Importance: “Do I matter to you?”
This goes beyond “I love you.” It’s about feeling valued and significant in your life. Teens want to know they play a meaningful role—not just that you’re responsible for them.
How to show it: Say, “I really value having you in my life,” or “You make our family better just by being you.”
3. Dependence: “Does anyone count on me?”
Teens want to feel like they contribute—not just that everything is done for them. Feeling needed builds confidence and a sense of purpose.
How to show it: Give them real responsibilities. Let them help solve problems. Tell them, “I’m so glad I can count on you for this.”
4. Ego Extension: “Are you proud of me?”
This is about feeling that your successes (and struggles) emotionally impact someone else. Teens want to know their achievements matter to you, not just because they’re impressive—but because you’re personally invested in them.
How to show it: Celebrate effort and growth. Say, “Watching you overcome that challenge really moved me,” or “I’m so proud to see you learning and growing.”
5. Noted Absence: “Would you miss me if I weren’t here?”
Teens often feel invisible. Flett emphasizes how crucial it is for them to know their presence makes a difference—and that their absence would be felt.
How to show it: When they’re away or they aren't able to join the family, tell them you missed them—not in a clingy way, but in a “you make life better” way. “The house felt off without you around." or "It's so wonderful to have you back!"
6. Appreciation: “Do you value what I bring?”
Teens want to know their unique personality, ideas, and contributions are seen and appreciated, not overlooked or taken for granted.
How to show it: Be specific. “I love your sense of humor—it brings so much light to our home.” Or “Thanks for speaking up—that insight really mattered.”
7. Individuation: “Can I be me, and still belong?”
Your teen is trying to figure out who they are—and they need space to do that. Mattering doesn’t mean conformity. It means being accepted as they are, not as who you wish they were.
How to show it: Let them explore their identity, interests, and voice. Say, “I love getting to know the person you’re becoming,” even if they’re wildly different from you.
The bottom line
Teens don’t just need love.
They need to feel significant.
They need to feel like they’re not invisible. Like they bring something to the world—and to your life—just by being themselves.
When we meet these 7 needs, we’re not just boosting their self-esteem, we’re giving them the foundation for mental health, resilience, and confidence.
