Pro Parenting Tip: Make a Plan

If your teen is stressing out or feeling super anxious about something — say going back to school — your gut instinct may be to jump into a pep talk.

Build up their confidence.

Let them know it’s not going to be that bad.

Tell them to look on the bright side.

And if that doesn’t work, remind them that what other people think doesn’t matter.

Or to just suck it up and stop being a wuss.

Your teen says, “thanks,” and makes a mental note to NEVER go to you when they're feeling anxious again.

Why?

The pep talk may have made you feel great, but it often leaves your teen feeling worse.

They not only still feel bad, but they feel bad about feeling bad.

And they're still in desperate need of some help.

So, what can you do instead?

Listen. Empathize. Validate. Then...

Help them come up with a plan.

For example, if your teen is anxious about school, ask them what specifically is making them anxious.

I’ve had teens tell me things like:

• I’m worried I’m going to trip and fall, and everyone will laugh at me.
• I’m worried I’ll walk into class and not know anyone.
• I’m worried I’ll get called on and won’t know the answer and say something stupid.

Listen to their fear. Empathize with them. Validate what they’re feeling.

Then say, “Okay, so what’s your plan if that happens?” “If you trip and fall, how will you get back up?” “What can you do if none of your friends are in your class?” “What can you say if you don’t know the answer?”

Anxiety grows out of the fear of not having any control of what’s going to happen to you. When faced with the unknown, our brains like to get creative and come up with all kinds of worst-case scenarios.

To reduce the anxiety, help your teen regain a sense of control by coming up with a plan no matter how far-fetched their worry may seem.

THE BOTTOM LINE

When you help your teen make a plan it builds their confidence AND you’ll be the first person they turn to the next time they are feeling anxious.