The 3 Boundaries Every Teen (and Parent) Needs to Stay Sane and Connected

 If your teen pushes back on every rule, you’re not failing—they’re just growing.

If you feel like you're walking a tightrope between too strict and too soft, welcome to parenting teens.

But here's what most parents don't realize:

There isn’t just one kind of boundary.

There are actually three. And if you’re only focused on one (usually the “rules” kind), you’re probably stuck in power struggles that leave everyone frustrated.

Let’s change that.

On a recent episode of the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast, I sat down with social scientist and author Matilda Gosling, who’s spent years digging through research to figure out what really works with teens. She laid out three critical types of boundaries every family needs—and how to set them in a way that builds connection, not rebellion.

Here’s your roadmap:

1. Behavioral Boundaries

What they are:

These are the classic “rules”—the boundaries that protect your teen’s safety, health, and wellbeing.

• Curfews
• Tech limits
• Who they’re with and how they’re getting home
• Drugs, alcohol, risky situations

When to use them:

Use behavioral boundaries when there’s real risk involved—not just because something annoys you. This is about keeping your teen safe and helping them build healthy habits that will last.

How to use them effectively:

• Start with more structure when they’re younger, and loosen as they mature.
• Make sure these boundaries are clear and consistent, not arbitrary.
• Always explain the why behind the boundary. Teens are more likely to respect rules when they understand the reason.
• Don’t set boundaries in the middle of an argument. Calm talks = better results.

🚫 Don’t: Try to control everything “just in case.” Over-controlling out of fear (aka safetyism) can backfire and actually make your teen less resilient.

2. Personal Boundaries (Your Teen’s)

What they are:

These are the boundaries your teen sets. Yes, they get to have some too.

• Privacy
• Personal space
• Emotional autonomy (how much they share, when they talk, and with whom)

When to use them:

Always. Teens are figuring out who they are and where they end. Letting them have boundaries is part of helping them grow into respectful, self-aware adults.

How to respect them:

• Knock before entering their room.
• Don’t scroll through their phone unless there’s a real concern—and talk about it BEFORE you look.
• Let them keep some things private. Want to build trust? Show that you can handle not knowing everything.
• When they say, “Please don’t share that,” respect it.

🚫 Don’t: Dismiss their requests for privacy as disrespect. If your teen says, “Don’t come in my room,” that’s not rebellion—it’s normal development.

Reminder: Teens who feel their privacy is constantly violated are less likely to come to you when it really matters.

3. Your Boundaries (Yes, You Get Some Too)

What they are:

These are the limits you set for yourself around how you expect to be treated.

• No name-calling, yelling, or slamming doors during conversations
• “I’m not okay being spoken to like that.”
• “I need a break before I continue this conversation.”

When to use them:

Anytime your teen’s behavior starts to chip away at your emotional bandwidth or dignity. You’re not a doormat. Boundaries are not just for keeping your teen in line—they’re for protecting your own peace too.

How to set them without escalating things:

• Use calm, confident language: “This conversation is important, but I’m not willing to continue while I’m being yelled at.”
• Take breaks when things get heated. That’s not giving up—it’s modeling emotional regulation.
• Show consequences without making it personal: “I was going to drive you to your friend’s house, but I need a break after how that conversation went. Let’s reset and try again later.”

🚫 Don’t: Retaliate or guilt-trip. Boundaries aren’t about punishing your teen—they’re about modeling healthy relationships and self-respect.

Putting It All Together: Boundaries Are a Relationship Tool, Not a Weapon

Matilda said it best:

“Boundaries are an ongoing negotiation relationship that will change and develop.”

This isn’t about getting it perfect.

This is about building a relationship that can handle growth, mistakes, and repair.

Let your teen bump up against the edges. That’s how they learn.

Let yourself have edges too. That’s how you stay grounded.

And remember: when boundaries are rooted in love and respect—not fear or control—they don't push your teen away.

They pull them closer.

Want more support like this?

🎧 Listen to the full interview with Matilda Gosling on the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast for more science-backed strategies that actually work in the real world. APPLE | SPOTIFY | IHEART | AUDIBLE

And if you found this helpful, share it with a fellow parent who could use a reminder:
Boundaries aren’t the problem. They’re the path.