7 Boundary Mistakes Parents Make With Teens (And What to Do Instead)

If you’ve ever set a boundary with your teen only to have it pushed, ignored, or explode into a full-blown argument—you’re not alone. Parenting expert Dr. Cam sat down with clinical psychologist Dr. Jenny Hwang to unpack why most boundaries with teens backfire and what actually works instead.

Dr. Hwang, who has over 20 years of experience helping families through emotional chaos and conflict, reveals that the problem isn’t your teen’s defiance—it’s how we misunderstand boundaries in the first place. Here are seven game-changing insights every parent needs to know.

1. Mistaking Rules for Boundaries

Key takeaway: Most parents think boundaries are about controlling their teen’s behavior. In reality, true boundaries are about you—what you are willing or not willing to participate in.
Why it matters: When you set “boundaries” like rules (you can’t talk to me that way), they backfire because teens know they can. Real boundaries protect your emotional space without trying to micromanage theirs.
Try this: Instead of “You can’t talk to me that way,” say: “I don’t appreciate being spoken to that way. If you choose to continue with that tone, I’m stepping away. If you choose to speak more calmly, I’m happy to listen.”

2. Caring More About Your Teen’s Life Than They Do

Key takeaway: The minute you care more about your teen’s grades, room, or future than they do, you’re headed for resentment.
Why it matters: Teens are wired to test independence. When you over-invest, you end up owning their responsibilities—and they learn to care less.
Try this: Step back and let them carry their own outcomes. If they don’t clean their room, let the natural consequence stand instead of nagging.

3. Overstepping Their Emotional Boundaries

Key takeaway: Parents often try to fix their teen’s feelings—forcing happiness or calm when they’re upset.
Why it matters: This unintentionally tells your teen their emotions aren’t valid and erodes trust. Teens don’t need fixing—they need space.
Try this: Instead of rushing to solve, say: “I see you’re upset. I’m here if you want to talk.” Then give them breathing room.

4. Confusing Love With Always Saying “Yes”

Key takeaway: Many parents fear that setting limits equals being unloving.
Why it matters: Saying “yes” to everything creates entitlement and resentment—on both sides. True love includes healthy limits.
Try this: Practice small nos: “I work hard for my money, and that’s not how I choose to spend it.” Teens often respect calm, steady boundaries more than endless giving.

5. Taking Disrespect Personally

Key takeaway: Most teen “attitude” isn’t personal—it’s dysregulation.
Why it matters: If you see every eye roll or outburst as a personal attack, you’ll escalate conflict and lose influence.
Try this: When triggered, pause and use it as a “boundary alert.” Step back, breathe, and decide how to protect your calm instead of demanding theirs.

6. Avoiding the Hard Truth About Control

Key takeaway: Parents struggle because the older teens get, the less control we actually have.
Why it matters: Clinging tighter makes power struggles worse. Accepting your loss of control is hard—but it’s the key to building respect and independence.
Try this: Ask yourself: “What’s really in my control right now?” Focus on your values and behavior, not your teen’s every move.

7. Forgetting the Power of Presence

Key takeaway: Teens don’t need more fixing, gifts, or lectures. What they crave most is your attention.
Why it matters: Presence builds trust and connection—the foundation that makes boundaries stick. Without it, limits feel like rejection.
Try this: Each day, spend 10 minutes giving your teen undivided attention. No phone, no advice, no fixing—just curiosity and listening.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries with teens aren’t about controlling them—they’re about controlling you. When you shift your focus from managing their behavior to protecting your own peace and values, you stop walking on eggshells and start building a healthier relationship.

🎧 Listen Now for More Tips

Want even more strategies for setting boundaries that actually work? Tune into the full episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam with Dr. Jenny Hwang.

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