Teen Self-Doubt: How to Help High-Achieving Teens Build Confidence
Is your high-achieving teen secretly battling self-doubt? đ Mental health expert Jason Phillips joins Dr. CamâThe Teen Translatorâin this powerful episode to decode the hidden struggles of perfectionist teens. Learn how to support your teen without adding pressure, embrace failure as growth, and balance achievement with well-being. Get actionable strategies to build their confidence and foster a positive self-perception, as Jason and Dr. Cam unpack self-doubt, academic pressure, burnout, and teen anxiety.
WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE
- Why embracing failure might be the best thing you can do for your teenâs growth.
- How you can support your teenâs drive for success without adding to their stress.
- What role parents play in teaching healthy self-care and boundaries to their teens.
5 KEY TAKEAWAYS FOR PARENTS OF TEENS
- Failure is a Key Part of Growth: Allowing teens to experience failure in a supportive environment helps build resilience and emotional strength.
- Model Healthy Boundaries: Parents need to show their teens how to balance work and rest to prevent burnout and foster healthy habits.
- Validate, Donât Solve: Instead of offering solutions right away, parents should listen and validate their teenâs feelings, which builds trust and connection.
- Give Teens Agency: Empowering teens by encouraging them to make decisions and advocate for themselves promotes independence and self-confidence.
- Maintain Your Own Identity: Parents should avoid losing themselves in their role as caregivers and should continue pursuing their own interests and well-being for a healthy family dynamic.
đ§â¤ď¸ ENJOYING THE SHOW?
Donât keep it to yourself! Share your favorite episode and leave a rating and review to help other parents find the support they need. Your feedback helps me create even more episodes filled with practical tips for you and your family! Thanks so much for your support! đđŤ
đ Remember to hit Follow so you never miss another solutionâpacked episode! đ
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
- Free Confidence Guide: stepstoconfidence.com
- Podcast: Peace and Prosperity Podcast (available on Apple, Spotify, and other podcast platforms)
EPISODE CHAPTERS:
- 00:00 Understanding Self-Doubt in High-Achieving Teens
- 05:09 The Role of Failure in Teen Growth and Resilience
- 10:38 Balancing Achievement, Rest, and Mental Health for Teens
- 15:06 Building Teen Confidence and Self-Worth: Practical Strategies
- 20:11 The Pressure on High-Achieving Parents and Its Impact on Teens
- 25:34 Navigating Parental Involvement in High-Achieving Teensâ Lives
- 30:20 Modeling Healthy Behaviors for Teens: Leading by Example
- 35:39 Encouraging Positive Self-Perception and Self-Esteem in Teens
CONNECT WITH OUR GUEST: Jason Phillips, LCSW
- Website: jasonlphillips.com
- Instagram: @JPhillipsMSW
CONNECT WITH YOUR HOST: Dr. Cam Caswell
- Website: AskDrCam.com
- Instagram: @DrCamCaswell
- TikTok: @the.teen.translator
- YouTube: Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam
- Facebook: @DrCamCaswell
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Cam: Welcome back, parents! Today, we're diving into how to support high-achieving teens through self-doubt and burnout. Many teens push themselves to the limit but still feel like they aren't measuring up, even though their parents see their amazing potential. It's frustrating when parents try to help, but their words seem to have the opposite effect. To help us unpack this, Iâve invited Jason Phillips, a therapist and mental health expert who specializes in guiding high achievers to overcome self-doubt and build real confidence. Jason has worked with Fortune 500 companies, law firms, and universities, and today heâs here to help us understand how to support our teens through perfectionism. Welcome, Jason!
Jason Phillips: Thanks for having me, Dr. Cam. I'm excited to have this conversation!
Dr. Cam: So, Jason, tell us about your journey. How did you end up focusing on helping high achievers?
Jason Phillips: It really happened organically. After graduating from the University of Michigan, I worked with military populations at the Ann Arbor VA and later served as the clinic chief at Fort Bragg. Over time, I noticed that corporate executives and leaders were drawn to my approach because I specialize in helping them overcome anxiety. That led me to helping high achievers break free from self-doubt and build confidence.
Dr. Cam: Thatâs amazing. Itâs so ironic that high achievers often struggle with self-doubt. From the outside, they seem so confident, yet many of them are riddled with anxiety. I see this a lot with the teens I work with, too. Theyâre getting straight Aâs and excelling, but they still feel like theyâre not enough. Their parents tell me that no matter how much they express their love and support, it doesnât seem to help. So, where do you think this drive for achievement comes from?
Jason Phillips: A lot of it comes from external pressuresâparents, teachers, peers. I can relate to that pressure myself. I was a high achiever growing up, constantly pushed to excel. While straight A's were celebrated, they came with their own anxiety, because I felt like I couldnât ever drop below that standard. External pressures, even from well-meaning sources like teachers and family, can make teens feel like they have to be perfect. Thatâs often where the self-doubt begins.
Dr. Cam: Thatâs such an important point. Parents want to encourage their teens and help them live up to their potential, but the way they say things can sometimes have the opposite effect. How can parents motivate their teens without adding pressure?
Jason Phillips: The key is to make room for failure. When we constantly tell our teens how great they are, they might think anything less than perfection means theyâre failing. Allowing them to fail is essential, as it helps them see that mistakes are just part of the learning process. They need to understand that not being perfect doesnât mean theyâre not enough.
Dr. Cam: I love that. Itâs one thing to allow failure, but I try to encourage my teen to embrace it. The idea is that failing at something difficult means youâre pushing beyond your comfort zone, which is where true growth happens. So, itâs not about being perfect; itâs about challenging yourself and learning from those challenges. What do you think about that approach?
Jason Phillips: Absolutely. Embracing failure is one of the best ways to help teens develop resilience. By pushing themselves outside their comfort zone, theyâll encounter setbacks, but thatâs where growth truly occurs. Itâs about focusing on what you tried, not just whether you succeeded or failed.
Dr. Cam: Exactly! And that mindset shift can make all the difference. Thanks so much for sharing this insight, Jason. Itâs such a helpful perspective for parents trying to support their teens.
Jason Phillips: I don't know if you're into exercise or weightlifting, Dr. Cam, but there's this term where you'll ask, how many reps are we doing? Ten, twenty? And sometimes it's until failure, which means pushing yourself until you can't anymore.
Jason Phillips: Because we know that's when the growth happens. It's not in staying in a comfort zone. I want you to push yourself to failure until you just can't do anymore.
Jason Phillips: And then we've got kids who are constantly pushing themselves and never feel like it's enough. How do we balance that, where it's okay to be just okay and not amazing at everything? How do we communicate that without making them feel like we just think they're okay?
Jason Phillips: It goes back to balance. As much as we want to push to failure, we also need time for rest. We can't just go, go, go, or we'll get exhausted and burned out. We need to carve out time to relax, watch TV, play video games, or sleep in.
Jason Phillips: Make sure you're not just filling your calendar with things you have to do. You can put so much on there and never feel done.
Dr. Cam: I want to emphasize that because I see a lot of parents who don't understand why their kids feel that way, but when you look at their schedules, they're packed. Every time the kids try to relax or scroll through TikTok, they hear, "You're being unproductive."
Dr. Cam: You can't do that. If you have time for that, you have time for this. You should be doing this, doing that. We have this belief that we need to be productive 24/7, and thatâs exhausting. It leads to burnout. We need to prioritize sleeping in and taking naps. Why is that so hard for us to prioritize?
Jason Phillips: For high achievers, itâs almost like feeling guiltyâwhat am I missing or not doing? You're good at so many things, but just because you can do something doesnât mean you should. We need to incorporate rest, too. Parents need to be mindful and let kids pick a couple of things, but not everything.
Jason Phillips: Parents really have to model that same confidence and boundaries. If mom and dad are constantly stretched thin, saying yes to everything, how can we expect our kids to do otherwise? When we model it, it's much easier for them to follow.
Dr. Cam: Yeah, modeling is huge. And when we see our kids doing different things, we often need to look in the mirror and ask, "What are we modeling?" Often parents say, "My teen is amazing, but they have no self-esteem. They think they're not good at anything." How do we help them see their value when anything we say gets an eye roll?
Jason Phillips: One thing I encourage is asking your teen what they could help someone else do. How could they mentor someone younger? That often builds genuine self-confidence. The second thing is to give less advice. Instead, listen more to figure out where the disconnect is.
Dr. Cam: Thatâs so important and one of the hardest things for parents because we have so much wisdom to share, and we finally have an audienceâbut they donât want to hear it. Itâs frustrating.
Dr. Cam: Instead of getting frustrated, be thrilled that your kid feels confident enough to figure it out on their own. Thatâs a plus! So, what do you think about asking your teen for advice?
Jason Phillips: Yeah, itâs a huge plus. It builds trust. When you ask your teen for advice, it shows them that their thoughts are valued. It lets them know they have something insightful to add to the conversation. Teens probably have a lot of wisdom weâre not tapping into, and by listening to their advice and implementing it, it does wonders for them.
Dr. Cam (15:06.54) The ability to not have to be right all the time as a parent is a real strength. I talk to kids who say, "My parents would rather die than admit they're wrong." That behavior is modeling the very fear our kids have: that you have to win.
Jason Phillips (15:39.395) It gives them a voice. When we listen to our kids and ask for their input and follow what they say, it lets them know that what they say matters.
Dr. Cam (16:07.726) Yeah, that is so key, and we don't have to agree with it.
Jason Phillips (16:12.051) No, we donât have to. It can start smallâasking, "What do you want to eat?" or "What movie should we watch?" Not always having to control everything.
Dr. Cam (16:22.595) Yeah, giving them a lot of agency is really important. Parents often say, "If I don't micromanage, they wonât do as well, and that hurts their self-esteem." But when you put the responsibility back on them, they understand they have to do things for themselves.
Jason Phillips (16:59.755) Itâs about building confidence. I remember my mom telling me to ask the teacher for help or ask a waiter questions. At the time, it was nerve-wracking, but it helped me advocate for myself.
Dr. Cam (18:08.974) That's something really big with my daughter too. She has always been part of the conversation and voiced her thoughts, which has helped her value what she says.
Jason Phillips (18:24.503) Right here.
Dr. Cam (18:37.512) Sheâs very good at advocating for herself now. It took time, but itâs made a difference. When we say stepping back will hurt their self-confidence, itâs managing our own fears about how theyâre feeling.
Jason Phillips (19:12.683) Right. When you let them fail and be themselves, you're not coddling them but allowing them to learn on their own.
Dr. Cam (19:50.862) Letâs talk about high-achieving teens and parents. There's a lot of pressure on parents to be high achievers too.
Jason Phillips (20:11.413) Parents are often juggling too muchâwork, clubs, and kidsâ extracurricularsâand then feel exhausted. They may not realize theyâre not modeling what they want for their kids.
Dr. Cam (20:14.894) What do you see with that?
Jason Phillips (20:40.885) They donât set boundaries and end up feeling burned out. When you look at their lives, theyâre involved in everythingâpresident of clubs, treasurer in groups. But they donât have time to give 100%. They canât model balance when theyâre overwhelmed.
Dr. Cam (21:42.358) Right. And parents often say, "My kid wonât do it," when it comes to sharing responsibilities. Thatâs another topic, but itâs important.
Jason Phillips (21:54.903) Absolutely.
Dr. Cam (22:10.378) Thereâs this belief that parents need to push, push, push, and kids should adopt that mentality too. Where does that mentality come from?
Jason Phillips (22:27.287) Itâs not healthy. Kids can only handle so much, and when they push back, they may act out. As adults, we can manage our emotions better, but kids don't always have the tools to do that.
Dr. Cam (23:24.856) Right, we canât make up for our past by pushing our kids to do what we didnât get to do at their age.
Jason Phillips (23:25.259) Exactly. Kids shouldnât be expected to live out our unfulfilled dreams.
Dr. Cam (24:01.046) Itâs unfair because parents are taking over their kidsâ lives and not letting them live their own.
Jason Phillips (24:16.405) I spoke to an adult who said their parent was so overbearing with their golf that it hurt their experience. Parents were living out their dreams through their kids, and it wasnât healthy.
Dr. Cam (24:56.27) Yeah, it's tough to know where to draw the line between being involved and overstepping. How do we balance caring and supporting without taking over their lives?
Jason Phillips: You can show up, but you don't have to show out. Be present for your kidâs activities, listen when they share their day, whether it's good or bad, but don't try to solve all of their issues. Overstepping happens when you try to be a part of their team or get overly involved in things at school. Weâre the adultsâweâve lived through our teenage years, and theyâre different from now. Step back and give them space. If you smother them, it could cause problems, even bullying.
Dr. Cam: Yeah, itâs really tough. I think when weâre high achievers ourselves, we tend to extend that expectation to our kids. As parents, we see their successes as ours. So, if our kids arenât high-achieving, straight-A, go-go-go kids, how do we not feel like weâre not pushing them hard enough?
Jason Phillips: I always tell people to run your own race and stay in your own lane. Think of a track raceâeveryone has their own lane. If youâre looking over at someone else, you can trip up or slow down. Focus on whatâs in front of you, and feel good about it. Comparing yourself and reflecting on what you didnât do gets you into dangerous territory. Stay in your lane, run your race, and be proud of it.
Dr. Cam: Yeah, staying in your laneânot just with other parents, but with your teen too. Let them run their race and cheer them on, but let them do their own thing, right?
Jason Phillips: Exactly. Think back to when we were younger and our parents would comment on our music or clothes. Weâd get upset, thinking they were outdated. Now, here we are, and sometimes I feel like I donât get the music anymore. My wife teases me about it, and I admit, Iâm outdated.
Dr. Cam: Right, and thatâs the thing. When weâre focused on what our teens are doing, we can lose focus on how weâre showing up for them.
Jason Phillips: Yeah, sometimes we focus too much on living through our kids. We forget that we also need to live our own lives. When weâre confident in our careers, relationships, and identity outside of being parents, we model that for our kids. Theyâll see that being a parent doesnât mean sacrificing everything else in life. Some parents lose their social life, prayer life, and sense of self once they have kids. Thatâs not healthy for either the parent or the child.
Dr. Cam: Right, kids donât want you around all the time. If youâre overbearing, you risk creating an enmeshed relationship.
Jason Phillips: Exactly. Kids need their space, too.
Dr. Cam: Yeah, and one of the best things is when my daughter tells me, âIâm so proud of you, mom, for what youâre doing.â Itâs a reminder that weâre both cheering each other on, doing our own things, rather than being too enmeshed.
Jason Phillips: Yeah, itâs great when both of you are thriving in your own ways.
Dr. Cam: Right, and some parents might feel they donât have time for their own activities. But I always tell them: stop micromanaging your teen and spend some of that time doing something fun for yourself. Youâll enjoy it, and your teen will appreciate it too.
Jason Phillips: Exactly. Pick one thing you used to love doingâwhether itâs dancing, bowling, or readingâand do it. Show your teen that you have interests outside of them. Youâll become more interesting to them, and theyâll see you as a well-rounded person, not just a parent.
Dr. Cam: Yeah, it makes you more interesting, and theyâll want to talk to you more because you have something unique to share. Kids donât want to talk about their stuff with parents all the timeâit gets tough.
Dr. Cam: One last question. If a teen is constantly putting themselves downâsaying things like, âI canât do this, Iâm not good at thisââhow do we respond as parents?
Jason Phillips: Yeah, thatâs tough.
Jason Phillips (32:56.663): Before we start giving them positive affirmations, I want us to build a stronger connection with that teen. You want them to be able to really open up to you and trust you. You want to be that safe space. Let me share the LOVE acronym. If a teen is constantly putting themselves down, first, listen.
The L is for listen. Listen to what they're saying because there may be some disconnect. If they say they're not good at something, you can highlight all the awards and trophies, but you canât do that first without listening. Be objective. Donât put so much pressure on what they're saying. Donât judge whether itâs bad or good. Listen objectively and have a neutral space.
The V is for validate. You want to validate their feelings and thoughts. If they feel a certain way, donât try to immediately take it away or say it's nonsense. Maybe theyâre having a hard day or feeling insecure. Validate that with empathy.
Once you do that, theyâll be in a place where they can be more vulnerable, and then you can point out what theyâre missing. They might be putting a lot of pressure on themselves and thinking they're not enough.
Dr. Cam (33:43.278): Thatâs so key. A lot of parents immediately respond with, "What do you mean? Yes, you are! You can do this. Look at all the awards!" Theyâre trying to give evidence that itâs not true. But what happens is they completely invalidate what the teen is saying, which often leads to the teen thinking, "You have to say that because you're my parent."
If your teen says something like that or rolls their eyes, itâs a sign you need to go to the LOVE approach.
Jason Phillips (34:52.022): Exactly. If someone immediately tries to combat what I say, I'll get defensive. For example, if you tell me, "Jason, that shirt is the best shirt I've ever seen," Iâd probably say, "No, it's not. I have better ones." High achievers are often not great at accepting compliments. We point out our imperfections.
Dr. Cam (35:28.396): That brings up another point. Many people mistake humility for putting themselves down. We're taught that the proper way to talk about ourselves is to put ourselves down. This creates a cycle of low self-esteem. How do we help teens see the good in themselves without making them feel like theyâre becoming egotistical?
Jason Phillips (36:35.413): Two things I would suggest: First, understand where itâs coming from. For instance, if you hear your child say something like, "I'm so stupid" or "I keep messing up," ask them, "What makes you say that?" Help them walk through how they arrived at that conclusion. Donât dismiss their feelings; instead, try to understand the reasoning behind it.
Secondly, encourage them to practice saying good things about themselves. Itâs like an elevator pitch where they get to talk about themselves in a positive way. We're often uncomfortable because weâve never been taught to do it. We're so used to others speaking highly of us, but we havenât taken the time to say something positive about ourselves. It's not bragging; it's just being honest.
Dr. Cam (38:27.426): Thatâs so important. Instead of saying, "I'm proud of you," I say, "You must be so proud of yourself." The focus is on them feeling proud of their own achievements, not just making me proud. This helps them take ownership of their success.
Jason Phillips (38:33.495): Itâs the idea of, "I want you to take care of you for me, and Iâll take care of me for you."
Dr. Cam (39:03.671): Thatâs a great way to end. Parents, that's beautiful advice. Jason, how can people find you?
Jason Phillips (39:13.089): They can find me on all social platforms at @JPhillipsMSW. My website is jasonlphillips.com. I also have a free confidence guide at stepstoconfidence.com, and they can listen to my podcast, the Peace and Prosperity podcast, available on Apple, Spotify, and wherever you listen to podcasts.
Dr. Cam (39:25.792): Thank you so much for joining us today, Jason.
Jason Phillips (39:47.72): Thanks, Dr. Cam. Appreciate you having me.
About the Show:
The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth. Whether youâre struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together. #theteentranslator #drcamcaswell #parentingteenswithdrcam
#HighAchievingTeens #TeenConfidence