5 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Your Teen Engages in Risky Behaviors (And What to Do Instead)

When you discover that your teen is engaging in risky behaviors like substance use, skipping school, or unhealthy social interactions, it’s completely natural to feel concerned, frustrated, or even scared. But the way you respond will significantly shape how your teen reacts, both in the moment and in the future.

The following breakdown will help you understand why certain responses don’t work—and offer simple, research-backed strategies you can implement at home.

1. Reacting in Anger or Fear

Why It Doesn’t Work: It’s common to feel overwhelmed by strong emotions like anger or fear when you learn about risky behaviors. However, research shows that intense emotional reactions can trigger the brain’s "fight or flight" response, which actually limits the ability to think clearly and engage in constructive problem-solving.

When parents react impulsively, their teens are more likely to feel defensive, shut down, or react with anger themselves. Instead of addressing the issue at hand, you could inadvertently escalate the conflict, pushing your teen further away.

What to Do Instead: Take a moment to pause and calm down before addressing the situation. Research in emotional regulation shows that taking just a few deep breaths can lower cortisol levels and help you approach the conversation with a clearer mind.

Instead of lashing out, try an empathetic approach with open-ended questions such as, “I’m really worried about you, can you help me understand what’s going on?” This allows your teen to feel heard, rather than judged, and opens the door to a meaningful conversation.

Action Step: Pause, breathe, and then engage. Let your teen know you’re concerned, not angry. Focus on understanding their perspective before offering solutions. A calm, open conversation encourages trust, which is vital for tackling risky behavior effectively.

2. Ignoring the Root Causes of the Behavior

Why It Doesn’t Work: Risky behaviors like substance use, skipping school, or socializing with negative peers are often symptoms of underlying problems, such as stress, mental health challenges (like anxiety or depression), or low self-esteem. If you only focus on the behavior without exploring these deeper causes, you're addressing the symptom, not the disease.

Research shows that failing to recognize these underlying issues can lead to recurring patterns of risky behavior. In fact, when these root causes are not addressed, the behavior is more likely to continue or even escalate.

What to Do Instead: Instead of just focusing on the behavior, take time to understand what’s driving it. Open-ended questions about feelings, stressors, and social pressures allow your teen to open up.

According to studies in adolescent psychology, understanding the underlying emotional and social factors behind your teen’s actions is critical for developing long-term solutions. For example, if stress is a factor, it might be helpful to explore healthier coping mechanisms such as mindfulness, exercise, or seeking professional support.

Action Step: Ask, don’t assume. Start with questions like, “What’s been the hardest part of school lately?” or “How are things going with your friends?” Listen carefully to what your teen shares. This helps you uncover the root causes and respond with more empathy.

3. Not Setting Clear Boundaries and Expectations

Why It Doesn’t Work: Teens need clear boundaries to feel safe and secure, but they often have a different understanding of what those boundaries are. In fact, research in adolescent development shows that teens benefit from having clear rules and consistent consequences, but they also need a say in setting those boundaries to feel respected. When expectations are unclear or assumed, it can lead to confusion, resentment, and defiance. Teens are more likely to follow rules that they understand and have had a role in creating, especially when those rules are tied to their values and long-term goals.

What to Do Instead: Take time to discuss and agree on clear, specific rules and expectations. Don’t assume your teen understands your point of view, and involve them in the conversation. Studies show that teens are more likely to follow rules when they feel part of the decision-making process. For example, if school attendance is a concern, rather than just enforcing attendance, ask them to share their thoughts on the importance of education. Explaining the "why" behind the rules also helps your teen internalize them.

Action Step: Collaborate on boundaries. For instance, say, “I think school is important, but I want to hear your thoughts on it. What do you think the consequences should be if you skip school?” This way, you build mutual respect and understanding.

4. Focusing on Punishment Instead of Solutions

Why It Doesn’t Work: Punishment doesn’t teach teens how to make better choices in the future. In fact, research shows that punishment can lead to rebellion, secrecy, and resentment because it doesn’t address the root cause of the behavior. Teens may follow the rules to avoid punishment, but they aren’t learning why the behavior is harmful or how to avoid it in the future. A focus on punitive measures without providing constructive solutions often reinforces a cycle of negative behavior rather than breaking it.

What to Do Instead: Focus on understanding your teen’s motivations and work together to develop a plan that addresses the behavior in a healthier way. Studies in positive behavior reinforcement suggest that teens respond better to solutions that help them grow, rather than just consequences that punish them.

If the behavior is linked to stress or peer pressure, help your teen develop coping strategies, such as exercise, journaling, or seeking support from a counselor. The goal is to give your teen the tools to make better choices on their own.

Action Step: Shift focus to solutions. If your teen is turning to substances to cope, instead of punishing, discuss alternative ways to deal with stress. For example, "I noticed you’ve been stressed lately. Would you be willing to try something new like yoga or talking to a counselor? Let’s work together on this.”

5. Overreacting to Setbacks or Pushing Too Hard for Immediate Change

Why It Doesn’t Work: Teens, like adults, need time to make lasting changes. Overreacting to setbacks or pushing them to change too quickly can lead to resistance and feelings of failure. Research in behavior change suggests that setbacks are a natural part of the process and that emphasizing patience and persistence is key to long-term success. When parents push too hard or become frustrated with slow progress, it can make teens feel judged and even less motivated to improve.

What to Do Instead: Understand that change is gradual, and setbacks are part of the process. Celebrating small successes, rather than demanding perfection, is key to keeping your teen motivated. Acknowledge progress and show patience. Studies show that teens are more likely to persist with behavior change when they feel supported and encouraged, rather than pressured. Keep an open dialogue to check in on their progress and show empathy during tough moments.

Action Step: Celebrate small wins. For example, if your teen has been attending school regularly after skipping, say, “I’m really proud of you for going to school this week. It’s a big step, and I’m here to support you.” Celebrate these moments and focus on the long-term process, not just immediate results.

The Bottom Line

Dealing with risky behavior can feel overwhelming, but with a calm, thoughtful approach, you can help your teen make better choices while preserving your relationship. By focusing on understanding the root causes of the behavior, setting clear expectations, and offering solutions instead of punishment, you guide your teen toward healthier, more positive behaviors. Patience, empathy, and open communication are key, and when things don’t improve, seeking professional help is always a worthwhile step.

With time, understanding, and persistence, you can help your teen navigate these challenges and support their long-term success.