Pro Parenting Tip: The 80/20 Rule

Has your teen ever said to you, "You're not listening to me."?

Want to know why they say that?

Because you're not.

It's not your fault.

Growing up we're taught to talk, read, write... but never to listen.

Yet the MOST important skill a parent can have when it comes to raising teens is...

You guessed it.

LISTENING!

As parents, it's difficult to see our kiddos make questionable choices, feel bad, suffer unnecessary consequences.

So, we jump in and try to fix things, soothe their feelings, tell them it's not as bad as they think it is, shower them with our sage advice.

And then we get upset and frustrated when they don't listen to us.

That's because all they WANT, all they NEED, is for us to listen to them.

So, here's a trick to help you improve your listening prowess when you're having a conversation with your teen (well, anyone!)

80% of the time LISTEN to them.

Listen with your ears open and your mouth closed. Listen to understand rather than reply.

When we dedicate 80% of the time to truly listening, it enables us to give space for the silence. It stops us from listening for a pause so we can jump in. It gives us the freedom to focus on our teen's words, emotions, and body language.

The other 20% of the time (at most) is your turn to talk.

HOWEVER, please don't use that 20% to correct, fix, lecture, defend… Not only does that prove you were NOT listening to them, it sends the message that—even though you weren’t willing to listen to them—you expect them to listen to you. A bit one-sided, no?

Instead, use your time to talk to validate their feelings, ask clarifying questions to better understand them, rephrase what you heard them say to make sure you got it correctly. This shows your teen that you actually heard them (and models how you’d like to be listened to one day.)

Here's what happens when you start listening to your teen:

1. You let your teen know that what they think, say, and feel matters to you -- which builds their confidence.
2. You strengthen your teen's trust and respect for you and make them feel safe -- which builds their resiliency and lowers their anxiety.
3. You learn how your teen experiences the world and what they truly need to thrive -- which increases your confidence and effectiveness as a parent.
4. You create a connection with your teen that can weather any fight, disagreement, and misunderstanding in the future -- which lowers conflict and increases your influence over them.

THE BOTTOM LINE

When you listen to your teen more than you talk at them, they'll start listening more to you too!