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Episode 264: How To Love The Teen You Have with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

behavior & discipline podcast

Struggling to connect with your teenager? You’re not alone. In this episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam, pediatric psychologist Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart shares transformative, brain-based strategies to help parents rebuild connection with defiant, distant, or disconnected teens.

Learn why the phrase “I love my teen, but I don’t like them right now” resonates so deeply with parents—and how to move from constant conflict to calm, connected communication. Dr. Lockhart explains the neuroscience behind teen behavior, comparing the adolescent brain to the toddler years to help you understand why your teen’s reactions can seem “illogical and irrational.”

Together, Dr. Cam and Dr. Lockhart unpack the emotional toll of disrespect, withdrawal, and conditional love, offering parents science-backed tools to restore trust and strengthen relationships. You’ll walk away with actionable steps to stop the yelling cycle, repair emotional wounds, and reconnect with your teen—without losing your authority or your sanity.

WHAT YOU'LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE

Why your teen acts “irrational” (and what brain science reveals about it)
How to stop the yelling and nagging cycle—and retrain your teen to listen
The difference between conditional and unconditional love in parenting
Simple, curiosity-based conversations that rebuild trust and connection
How to repair a broken relationship—even when your teen won’t talk

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EPISODE CHAPTERS

00:00 – Introduction to Parenting Challenges with Teens
03:03 – Understanding Teen Behavior and Development
05:54 – The Importance of Connection Over Control
08:51 – Navigating Conditional Love and Acceptance
11:41 – The Impact of Parenting Styles on Relationships
14:35 – Repairing Relationships with Teens
17:30 – The Role of Humility in Parenting
20:30 – Breaking the Cycle of Miscommunication
23:16 – The Power of Apology and Accountability
26:08 – Creating a Supportive Environment for Teens
28:59 – Final Thoughts and Key Takeaways

TRANSCRIPT:

Dr. Cam (00:00.45)

If you've ever thought, I love my teen, but I don't always like them right now, this episode is for you. My guest today is Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart, a pediatric psychologist, parent, coach, speaker, and author who gets it. As a teen, she felt disconnected from her own mom and she's made it her life's work to help parents and teens avoid the same pain. Her brand new book, Love the Teen You Have, available now for pre-order.

offers real world strategies, compassionate insights, and powerful stories to help you move from nagging to nurturing. Dr. Anne-Louise's wisdom has been featured in the New York Times, Parents, HuffPost, and The Today Show. And today, she's here to help us unpack what's really behind the tension, defensiveness, and distance that often show up in the teen years. But before we dive in, take a quick second to tap subscribe so you never miss another Solution Packed episode.

And if you want to show some love by leaving a review, thank you. That means a lot to me and it helps other parents find the support they need to. All right, let's unpack how we can shift from control to connection with our teens. Welcome Dr. Anne-Louise, so good to see you.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (01:13.157)

Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Kam. It's great to be here.

Dr. Cam (01:16.392)

It is and just for other listeners know we have talked before you've been on my episode so feel free to go back and listen to the previous episode too. So much wisdom there but today we want to unpack how to love the teen you have. Why is that so hard sometimes?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (01:35.439)

Well, it's hard because sometimes they seem unlovable. You know, they do things that get on your nerves. They are disrespectful. They call you broad. They, you know, they just talk to you like they're, you know, you're one of their little friends and it just feels disrespectful. And it feels for a lot of parents like I would never have gotten away with this if I, when I was their age. And you know, you don't talk to grownups that way. And so I think in those ways, it feels hard to love them.

Dr. Cam (01:39.285)

Mmm.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (02:03.769)

because you sometimes don't like them very much.

Dr. Cam (02:07.51)

Yeah, they're, make your life a lot more difficult than I think we anticipate, even though we anticipate that they're going to make our life difficult. I don't think we quite understand what that means until we're full on in it. And your teen is literally looking at you like you are the most disgusting, annoying person on the planet. That's hurtful.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (02:16.6)

You

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (02:30.605)

It is hurtful. It is hurtful.

Dr. Cam (02:32.118)

Why do they- yeah, why do they do that to us?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (02:35.503)

Well, because they have a growing brain and they are learning new ways of interacting. They're figuring out how to talk to you. They're figuring out who they are. And, you know, I tell parents, I often compare teens to the toddler years because to me, they're very similar with their development, to their brain development, their attitude, their emotions. They're very, very similar. So if you feel like you're having like this trauma response from their toddler years, yeah, it's not just you because

Dr. Cam (02:50.508)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (03:05.527)

with toddlers, know, three to two to two to five, they're starting to be able to walk on their own. They can talk on their own. They can do their own things. They're, they're becoming their own individual. They know that they don't need to be carried around by you. They can cut their own meat, like they could wipe their own bottom. They can do all these things. They can say no. They realize they have more autonomy. They have more agency.

And then they turn into teenage years. we're talking here tween and teen is nine to 19. It's a really large age gap. And so then they start to individuate. They become their own individual. They start to realize that they have these values and these beliefs and these fashion sense and these political ideals and these platforms that maybe are different from the way you raise them.

And so that feels kind of hurtful because you're like, well, I poured this knowledge and these values into you. How dare you go against them? How dare you become a vegan when we're all meat eaters? Like, how dare you dress this way when we're this way? Like it feels like a stab in the back.

Dr. Cam (03:58.649)

hmmmm

Dr. Cam (04:08.97)

Yeah, it really does because you think I've raised you and I've put so much value in you and I've blood, sweat and tears literally into raising you. And now you're not only ungrateful, you're basically just throwing it back at my face and rejecting all of this stuff that I've like given you. so help us again understand because are teens trying?

To hurt us that way? Why are they doing that?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (04:42.019)

Yeah, honestly, truthfully don't believe they're intentionally trying to hurt us. I really believe, I want and believe to give them the benefit of the doubt and to know they are trying to find their way. They're trying to be their own individual. And that's why I see that when parents push more, then teens are going to pull away or push back depending on their temperament and personality.

Dr. Cam (04:47.939)

now.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (05:10.491)

There are some teens that seem to like the fight. I've had parents tell me in parent coaching, like, feel like my teen enjoys it when they upset me. I feel like they enjoy the fight and they enjoy the conflict. And honestly, there are some teens who feel more connected in conflict. it might...

Dr. Cam (05:20.814)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Cam (05:29.113)

Yeah. And in control by controlling our emotions are like, look, you usually have control over me. I know how to control you too. That's empowering.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (05:38.693)

That's an excellent point. Yeah, it is a lot of power and it feels really like, okay, I got big old you to get upset and to change your mind even. Wow, look how much power I have. Or if they don't really feel connected to you as a parent, then, or they feel like you're very standoffish or stoic or not fun, unemotional, not connected, then having that conflict.

keeps them connected to you. It's like the toddler who gets out of bed at bedtime and one more story mom or has a tantrum, what does that do? It keeps you closer, longer, right? So even though you're yelling, even though you're like, putting that back to bed and you're like, stop doing this, go back to bed, what it's doing, it's getting this kind of low key kind of connection with them. And it's dragging out that connection time, even though it's not under the best of circumstances.

Dr. Cam (06:15.392)

engaged.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (06:33.689)

So yeah, I believe that when teens are doing it, it's kind of their way of getting that connection sometimes. And it's not always the best way, but it can be effective.

Dr. Cam (06:43.144)

I think what is a little bit dissonant for lot of parents listening is the fact that their teen wants more connection with them when their behavior seems to say often that it's the last thing they want. So explain that.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (06:57.507)

Yeah, yeah. Well, let me give you an example. Years ago, I was working with a teenager who was adopted by her grandmother.

and she was the only kid. She had a grandma and a granddad. And the grandparents were basically saying like, she's never around, she can't stand us, she hates us, and she heard this, and she's like, I don't hate you. And they're like, well, you're never here, you're always with your friends. And she's like, well, but I wanna spend more time with you. And they're like, but you're never here. And she's like.

Well, yeah, I know, but I want you to want to hang out with me when I am here. And they're like, but you're never here. Right. And so it's just such this like dissonant, like you say you want to be around us, but you're never around. And then when you're around us, you're copping an attitude or you're have your your headphones on, you know, like, what the heck. And so

Dr. Cam (07:35.651)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (07:44.983)

Yeah

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (07:47.547)

I think we have to remember as parents is teenagers behavior are illogical and irrational and often don't make sense. Their brains are to us, to us completely, right? Their brain is growing and developing. They're trying to figure out their place in this world. And they want to know that you unconditionally love and want to be around them. Even when I'm acting like a fool.

Dr. Cam (07:56.291)

to us. They make sense to them.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (08:14.319)

and I'm embarrassing and insulting, I still want you to want to be in my presence. And that is really hard and that's why we do have to take the higher road as parents and love them through that because they need to know, am I still lovable in all my mess? And that's the biggest thing that they need to know from you. I am still lovable even when I'm acting this way.

Dr. Cam (08:26.668)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (08:37.608)

I could not agree with you more because that is not verbatim, but very close to that is what I hear from teens all the time, that they want to spend and have a relationship with their parents. The problem is they don't want the type of relationship they have now. They want a good relationship with their parents, which means when they're with their parents, it's not their parents constantly telling them all the ways they're failing, all the ways they're disappointing them.

all the ways that they're talking inappropriately or how bad that rate. So they're around their parents and it's just like bad feeling, bad feeling, bad feeling, ick, ick. And parents are like, well, I don't have much time around them. So I have to pack it all in. And I'm like, well, the more you pack into that small moment, the less moments you're going to have. Cause they're terrible. No one's going to hang out with somebody that makes them feel bad.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (09:31.087)

Yes. And as parents, because I'm guilty of that too, because then as parents we think, well, if we don't tell them when they're listening, when else are we going to tell them and correct their behavior? But then I also try to flip it and say, if you have a spouse, a partner, a friend, a boss, a coworker,

that every time you were in their presence, you showed up and they're like, oh, you're here. Hey, you forgot to turn in the report. Hey, you didn't pay your taxes on time. Why are you dressed like that? Your hair looks horrible. You you forgot to throw out the trot. Like if every time you interacted with this person, they always were telling you all the ways you failed, would you want to be around them? Would you want to be around this Debbie Downer for much longer? No, you wouldn't. So then we have to flip it and think, then why would your teenager want that?

Dr. Cam (10:15.949)

Right.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (10:16.419)

Why would they want to hear that from you all the time? And we're all guilty of it at some point or the other, right? All of us.

Dr. Cam (10:22.318)

Here's what parents say all the time too. Well, if they would just do what I said, I wouldn't have to nag them and I'd be very pleasant with them. If they would just be the person and do the things and comply with my vision of who they are, and I'm going over because this is really what's happening and what our teens are feeling is, I need you to be what I need you to be. I'm not accepting who you are.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (10:51.577)

Well, and that's a big thing that Stephen Hayes talks about for acceptance and commitment therapy, which I read about in my book, this whole pain of presence, pain of absence, all of these kinds of things. But basically what it's talking about is we keep thinking in our mind when they can change, then I can engage with them in a positive way. When they can in their room, when I don't have to nag them, when they get their laundry done, when they stop copping attitude, then I will want to hang out with them and go to the

Dr. Cam (11:12.174)

100%.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (11:21.463)

with them and have a good conversation. But until then, I will just kind of be absent in a positive way. And we're not doing that intentionally, or we're not even saying that explicitly, but that's kind what we're doing. And I've had parents say like, you know, like, we just cancel our trip, you know, or we cancel the the mom son outing, because he didn't do blank, like, well, no, but your time with this kid should not be contingent on good behavior.

Dr. Cam (11:30.828)

Nope.

Dr. Cam (11:46.989)

Yeah, that's called conditional love. That is what that is exactly what conditional love is. And that is as soon as you say that parents are like, no, I love my kid, but you're not showing you love your kid unconditionally. That's your kid's message from you is unless you do what I say, I'm going to withhold love from you. And we do that a lot because we're angry with them for not. So let's talk about because this is not

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (11:50.297)

Yes. Literally.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (12:00.868)

Right.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (12:11.067)

We do. We do.

Dr. Cam (12:15.918)

And I know you're the same way. Nothing I talk about is about pointing fingers at parents and saying, look at you, you're doing this wrong. It's about explaining what's going on so we can do it better moving forward. Because just like I want us to give the benefit of the doubt to our teens, I give the benefit of the doubt to all parents. Like I know without a doubt you are doing everything in your power to be the best parent you can be. And if you're listening to the show a thousand times, right, of course you are.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (12:26.959)

Yes.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (12:44.719)

do.

Dr. Cam (12:45.496)

So why do we fall into this trap of showing conditional love when that is like nothing about what we're trying to do?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (12:56.207)

Well, because many times we are parenting the way we were parented. And that's how I'm Gen X, lots of millennials. If you're a baby boomer because you're raising grandkids or have them later, like that's most of us in millennial Gen X baby boomers. That's how we've been raised. It's only this recent Gen Z that they're starting to shift that kind of idea about power control, parenting, top down, all that stuff. So a lot of our showing up as parents is because we're just regurgitating how we were

parented ourselves. And we also think, well, if we don't have conditions and expectations, they're going to walk all over us, they're going to embarrass us, they're going to turn out as a horrible member of society, there'll be failures, and it'll look bad on me. Ultimately, it looks bad on us. So if your kid is flunking out in school, or they're getting kicked out of school, they have no friends, they're acting all weird in public, like that makes parents feel self conscious. Well, I must be me and we

Dr. Cam (13:42.784)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Dr. Cam (13:54.648)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (13:56.063)

do it online. You see people do it. this kid did what? What? How did they raise? What kind of parents do they have? Parents are instantly blamed whenever kids mess up, right? So in our mind, it's like we're trying to protect ourselves from this judgment, because we do it for ourselves to ourselves anyway, but everyone else in every other space is doing it as well. So I really believe a lot of this conditional love and conditional acceptance.

Dr. Cam (13:59.255)

the... Yeah.

Dr. Cam (14:14.625)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (14:22.715)

is because we're trying to protect ourselves from potential embarrassment, humiliation, and a kid who fails and is unhappy and doesn't amount to the life that we wanted for them.

Dr. Cam (14:33.515)

Yeah, it is because we really have when we've got a kid before they're even born, we have a vision of who this kid could be and what we want for them. I mean, I even remember with my child, I was like, I'm going to have her speak in different languages and we're going to do design. And then I was like, okay, like he's got she's struggling to speak regular words because she has a speech impediment. We're not going to do multiple languages. That makes no sense whatsoever.

And I'm basing it off of some random vision and not my child. And so I think we end up trying to raise the child in our head and we completely miss the child we have, which I didn't realize ties beautifully back to the title of your book, How to Love the Child You Have. I seriously didn't do that on purpose, but wow, that was good. All right. So tell us what you mean by that.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (15:28.985)

Yeah, this big one of I had a real couple times that I've done is like stop parenting imaginary kids. And it's for that same reason, because we do have in our mind, our kids gonna be like, gorgeous and athletic and popular and valedictorian and go to the top colleges and have a great job. And, you know, like we have all this stuff in our mind, and that's okay. Like that's that's dreaming. That's vision boarding. Like that's okay.

Dr. Cam (15:36.013)

Mm.

Dr. Cam (15:52.971)

If it didn't work.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (15:54.011)

But it's okay to do that. But I think why it can be dangerous and why it's so important, the Love the Teen You Have title, which was easy for me to come up with the title, because I believe we need to be reminded that

no matter how your teen, your tween shows up, we have to love them for who they are and the one in front of us with all their messiness, with all their struggles, with all their embarrassments and frustrations. Because just like you've heard that from the teens you work with, I do parent coaching, but I also work with teens as well. And that's what they I hear the most from them.

Dr. Cam (16:31.373)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (16:31.707)

My parent doesn't get me. I tell them I'm depressed. Well, what do have to be depressed about? Look at the life that we gave for you. Look at how we sacrificed for you. Like, well, but they don't need to be have a reason like love them through it. Understand who they are and why they might struggle even if you don't fully get it.

Dr. Cam (16:41.389)

Bye.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (16:48.729)

And so loving the teen you have to me really means about this unconditional love and acceptance. And it's the same kind of mindset that I remember learning when I started my doctoral program. And the first therapeutic intervention I learned about is client centered therapy. And I worked with in a school for homeless children in Arizona.

And that's what we had to do, basically. It's like we're just, we didn't know anything about these kids' backgrounds and all we had to do, all we wanted to do, we just showed up for them and just accepted and saw them through whatever's going through, whether they didn't take a shower for days, they had stuff going on in their life, whatever it was that you just loved and accepted them exactly where they were. And that's such a powerful gift because so often,

A lot of people's acceptance and feeling good enough are based on conditions. I like you when...

I'll accept you when, when you look pretty enough, when you dress good enough, when you get good grades, when you get into a top college, when you have good friends, when you're popular. Like there's so much conditions in our tween and teens lives and it's such a gift to be able to just accept them and all their stuff, their quirks, their awkwardness, their messiness, their greatness, and to know that you are unshakable in that as a parent.

Dr. Cam (18:00.268)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (18:07.349)

That is such a hard thing for parents to do because parents feel like accepting who my kid is despite the fact that they are annoying, you know, getting into trouble in school and they're not doing their homework and they refuse to help with chores and they're laying around and would rather play video games. Like parents go, how do I, how do I accept and say that that's okay?

Is that the same as saying, it's okay if you talk to me disrespectfully and it's okay that you don't help around the house and it's okay if you walk all over me. I love you anyway. Is that what you're saying? Okay, good. I know a lot of parents are going, wait a second, that's where people automatically go. They go swing way over the other way. So explain to us what this actually means.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (18:47.171)

Not at all. Not at all. Yeah, no, a lot of Yes.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (18:59.523)

Right. It doesn't mean, and I think that's where, you know, people misinterpret a lot of parenting strategies. You know, the conscious parent, the gentle parenting, the attachment based parenting, they think it's being permissive. It's being a wuss. You're just saying like, talk to me, however, you can cuss me out, leave my house without, you know, asking for permission, walk all over me. No, you have firm boundaries and you do it with love. Cause if you have all boundaries and no love and all love and no boundaries, then either one

is not what we're talking about because then if you have a bunch of boundaries bunch of rules it's very authoritarianistic you're there's no love there there's no warmth there but if you have all this love and warmth and you have no boundaries then you're overly permissive and that's not healthy either because then you have a kid who is going to be less successful because they don't have any structure and teens do want boundaries they do want rules yes

Dr. Cam (19:31.181)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (19:50.211)

They want to feel safe. want us to know that we're making sure they're safe, but they have parents, how I call it, broad, rule obsessive disorder, because I've literally had parents come in with pages of single spaced lists of rules that they've outlined for their teens so that their teen knows exactly what they need to do. And I'm like, throw that out. That is not.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (20:00.091)

you

Dr. Cam (20:16.97)

As soon as one rule, which you probably can't even list all the rules on that that you put there, as soon as one rule goes through the cracks, then all of them are left completely. And I think our problem is, and we're going to talk about that connection or when we've already made, you we already feel disconnected, is when we don't have connection, the only thing we have to rely on is control to keep our kids safe. And the problem is it does the opposite.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (20:21.253)

you

Dr. Cam (20:46.266)

of keeping our kids safe. It makes them shut down and not tell us anything, which gives us zero power and keeping them safe. It's about influence. How do we build that if our kid is not talking to us right now and we've already had this situation of everything turns into an argument right now?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (21:05.455)

Yeah, know and a lot of parents are in that situation, which is why they feel stuck, which is why they feel like I don't know how to love them, accept them where they're at because they don't even care about me. They don't, hate me at this point, right? They shut down. They've written me out of their life. And one of the best ways to do this is to get curious. First to get curious about, when did things change? Because it probably wasn't always like this. So what was the turning point or turning points?

Dr. Cam (21:09.581)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (21:32.195)

What happened? Was there a death, a divorce, a move, a betrayal? What happened that things started to shift? And I think that's a super important question to ask yourself because

As individuals, our brain automatically thinks when something is bad, it's always been this way. It's always been bad. And it will always be this way, right? And that's not true. It wasn't always this way. Your kid didn't always hate you. You didn't always have the silent treatment from them. There's something that's shifted. So I think it's about getting curious about when this shifted. And then the other thing then is to have a sense of humility.

Dr. Cam (21:52.374)

Right. And it will always be.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (22:12.237)

in going to that teen about this awareness and asking them their perspective of when they think things shifted and taking ownership, know? And it can be anything based on what you're seeing. you know, something that I might say is like, you know, I notice for a while now you and I have been at odds and I'm always yelling and telling you what to do and you're always shutting me out and I get it.

Dr. Cam (22:16.056)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Cam (22:19.971)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (22:39.899)

And I noticed that things have started going down when you and my dad, you know, got into a fight or when your dad and I got divorced or when we moved into this other city or whatever it is and you had to say goodbye to your friends. When did things shift for you?

You know, and they might still shut you down, but that's okay. You're still opening the door to, I'm sorry for the way that I've been coming across. I'm sorry for how I'm yelling and over-parenting you. You deserve more than that from me. And I'm truly, truly sorry. So I think being curious, having that apology, being humble and coming to your team with that realization is so, powerful because that will start to shift to help them see, okay, my mom, my dad is not just trying to control.

truly care about me and they want a connection. And I really believe it starts with that.

Dr. Cam (23:28.364)

Yeah. I think it sounds easy. It is extraordinarily hard for parents to admit any wrongdoing when it comes to their kids, because it feels like letting go of authority, letting go of the power, saying, our kids are right and we are wrong. And so parents struggle with

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (23:36.442)

very.

Dr. Cam (23:55.265)

saying that it feels it's so against so much of what we grew up where kids always wrong, right? And I've heard that from tons of kids, my dad would rather die than say he's wrong. My dad, right? I hear that from a lot of kids and it's frustrating because they're like, I can never ever, ever be right. And what happens when that when we don't take accountability for our part, because we're not saying our kid is right and we're wrong. What are we saying when we apologize?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (24:00.869)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (24:06.331)

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (24:25.071)

Well, we're taking ownership. We're modeling the way to repair a relationship. We're saying my connection with you is more important than being right. That's what it's saying. It's saying that I value connection or relationship. I value you more than me.

being the authority and always being right. And it doesn't mean you're getting rid of your authority or your control or your position as a parent because you're saying sorry. Like you're not ridding yourself of that. Actually, it's a very brave step and it's such an amazing model for your teen to see, my parent screws up too.

Dr. Cam (24:44.834)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (25:05.792)

Yes.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (25:06.221)

And what an amazing model that they see. it's not about like, well, I wouldn't have yelled at you if you weren't acting this way or I wouldn't have. Right. Exactly. And it's conditional again. I will be better. I will yell at you less if you could just wipe down the kitchen counters. It's conditional. And it's again, is it annoying to have to say the same thing? I literally went through that this weekend. I'm like, I told you when you're making food in the kitchen, wipe down the counter dots.

Dr. Cam (25:12.856)

Yeah, that's got that's called gas lighting. Do it a lot. Yeah.

If correct.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (25:36.005)

Did it happen? No. But do I then freak out and react because of it? Sometimes, yes. But again, it's like, but don't make that connection conditional. You can say it in a different way. You can say, hey, remember I told you when you're making food to check the kitchen one last time before leaving? I noticed that there was still lots of stuff on the countertop.

Dr. Cam (25:43.049)

Hahaha

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (26:03.363)

And so just, it doesn't have to be this big long lecture. It could just be like, hey, or I know that you have a big project due next week. What are your plans on getting it done? So it doesn't have to be this big, mean approach. It could mean that you're speaking to them with respect and saying, trust, and I want to trust in your ability to be responsible. And I'm gonna give you some tools and some prompts.

to be able to move in that direction. And so those things are really hard because a lot of us, like I said, we weren't parented that way. And it feels like we're giving up control and power when we're kind and nice and gracious and compassionate.

Dr. Cam (26:46.978)

feels weak to a lot of parents. And the other thing I hear is I did say it nicely 20 times. And it wasn't until I yelled and lost my bleep that they actually did it. Right? How do we navigate that?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (26:49.08)

It does.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (27:04.123)

Well, it's because now you've conditioned them to do that. That's why, right? They've now conditioned to hear like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

Dr. Cam (27:05.87)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (27:15.779)

Fifth time now you're conditioning your team to only actually hear you when you're losing it Just like they could you condition them for everything else I I was conditioned when I was a teen like I knew that if I asked my mom something three times She always gave in like that was I I conditioned she conditioned me I conditioned her like there was this Reinforcement process and it's the same thing with our talking nice and talking nice and talking nice and now we're losing it and we sound like we've like lost our mind to the whole neighborhood and now

they're listening and so what's happening it's a conditioning issue your teenager has learned to only hear you when you are at a hundred rather than when you're 20.

Dr. Cam (27:47.182)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (27:55.671)

Yeah. And we're also teaching them that in order to be heard, they need to scream and yell. And that's we end up in the household of everyone screaming and yelling to be heard. And the only person that can change that dynamic is the adult in the relationship, not the kid. And that takes time if they've already unconditioning a situation like that takes some serious focus, but it can be done. And we see it a lot, but it

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (28:20.867)

Yes. Well, and that's what I talk about in my book. I believe I talked about in my book, and I can't remember if it was Instagram or my book, but it's this kind of mutual training process that we do all the time as parents and teens. They train us, we train them, just like with babies. You know, they have a certain cry, they must be hurting, they must be hungry, they must be tired, they must want, like we...

Dr. Cam (28:29.486)

You

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (28:44.109)

We train each other all the time. And so just like your teen is now trained to hear you when you yell, you now they feel like they are not heard by you unless they're freaking out, being disruptive and disobedient. So there is a constant training process going on all the time and we have to be the one to break it.

Dr. Cam (28:45.995)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Cam (29:01.026)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (29:03.963)

And my husband and I, go on what we secretly call rage walks when we have had enough with our 13 and 15 year old. And we'll go like on a walk for like an hour and a half sometimes. And it really helps us to get out of the house and to just vent and complain about our kids to one another rather than doing it at them. And a big part of his things that he's been telling me is like, well, I feel like it's, if we don't, if we're not on them, how will they learn?

Dr. Cam (29:20.27)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (29:33.625)

right? And I'm like, I get it. But if we're always on them, what they learn is, I just have a mean parent who's always yapping, yapping, yapping. They learn resistance and it creates this separation. So then when they're finally out of your house and they graduate and go off on their own,

Dr. Cam (29:43.138)

They learn resistance.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (29:51.483)

Why would they want to have a relationship with you? Like all of sudden they're 18 and now they want a relationship with you, but it was tense for the entire teenage years. So I think we also have to be more gentle in saying like, a lot of this repetition is training ground and we're not going to see it right away all the time. And then one day it's like, Oh, so that's why whatever it is. Oh, did you know that if I made up my bed first thing in the morning, I can feel better about myself? Yeah. Cause I've been telling you that for 10 years. Yeah. My friend told me that at school, you know, or,

Dr. Cam (29:58.883)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (30:21.08)

Yeah, yeah, I saw, I saw TikTok and they said this and you're like, okay, I've been telling her.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (30:21.617)

A TikToker said it! Right! Yes! So you, I think we have to remember we're planting seeds, planting seeds, planting seeds, and we're not always going to see the effects right away. But it is getting through. It is.

Dr. Cam (30:35.35)

I think the biggest thing too, and the thing that I noticed, and when we love the kid that we have in front of us, we love the kid we have, regardless of what our relationship is with them and the dynamic in the house, they're going to be who they're going to be. Whether we nitpick them and push and shove and try to do all this stuff or not, they are who they are. What changes is whether or not you have a good relationship with them.

They feel accepted and confident in who they are and they want to come back to you. That's the difference. Not who they become. Nothing changes that. They, but your relationship with them and their relationship with themselves. That's the only thing we're strongly impacting when we're constantly micromanaging and saying they're broken.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (31:24.537)

Yeah, love that. That's so beautifully said. it's really, and we see this all the time, and it's this kind of stuff that creates a lot of parent guilt, that a lot of a person's internal narrative does come from parents, right? Yes.

Dr. Cam (31:39.842)

Are you kidding? A lot of it. Absolutely.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (31:43.105)

Absolutely, there's things that I still then think like with promoting my book. One of the first messages my mom had told me when I was starting to have like success in my early teen years and stuff about with certain things and I would tell my friends and she's like, don't tell, don't tell people when you're too successful, when things are going too good, cause they'll resent you. You're right. They'll resent you, they'll hate you. And always in the back of my mind, then people are like, well, why don't you tell people to help you and support you? And it's like, well, but I don't want to feel like I'm too successful or doing too well or, or asking for help. I'll just do it myself.

Dr. Cam (31:58.852)

Great, they won't like you.

Dr. Cam (32:12.845)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (32:13.091)

And so we have to remember that a lot of messages that get replayed in our minds come from our early relationships, which are our parents. And so again, it's not parent shame or guilt here, but it's about being able to tackle those things if we have been delivering that and we got to squash it and say, you know, I know I've told you this and I was wrong for telling you that because that is a message I heard. It's something I believe and I realize it's incorrect.

Dr. Cam (32:22.681)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (32:42.084)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (32:42.435)

you know, and I ask for forgiveness. Again, it's about being humble enough to say when you've messed up.

and to repair it. And that's one of the biggest reasons why I wanted to write this book as well too, because I had a tense relationship with my own mom. We had a great relationship up until when I was about 13, and it became very tense because I felt like when I'd gone to her several years prior, she didn't hear a pain that I was going through. She dismissed it because she couldn't handle it. And so I became rebellious. And a lot of that

Dr. Cam (32:50.425)

Yeah.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (33:15.157)

came as a result of not feeling heard and seen when it mattered most. So I'm like, well, if you don't, if I don't matter to you, then screw you kind of thing. We've since healed that, but a lot of what healed it is because of that, she was able to admit that she was wrong, that she should have heard me, that she should have been able to handle her own stuff so that she could have protected me and heard my pain. And that's the same thing that I want for parents is like not to go.

Because that didn't happen until I was an adult to repair that with her. And so that we don't have to go so long with this rupture without humbling ourselves and saying, I was wrong. And I should have come at you differently. I should have heard you and I should have loved you where you were at. And I'm sorry. And that's all our teens want.

Dr. Cam (33:57.882)

Yeah. And that the power of that in terms of building that trust, respect, like when you come out and I think we're so worried about, well, my team have, well, that ruined my authority, my risk. That is one of the strongest ways to build respect and earn respect from your team is taking accountability. It's also the best way to teach your team to take accountability because now they're not afraid to say when they messed up.

Because it's, we do too, it's human. Instead of like, you're not allowed to mess up. And we kind of set very high standards for our kids that they're not allowed to mess up, that's bad. Boy, that is an unfair expectation to have on our kids. That is like, dang. I know.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (34:43.973)

Well, and parents do to themselves too, right? Because we think that kids can't mess up, they can't get a failed grade, they can't be disrespectful or be in a bad mood. But then we put the same pressure on ourselves that we can't ever mess up and we can't make something, you know, yell or say something wrong, that we are putting this like perfect parenting mantra in our head. And that's not fair to us. And it's not fair to our team because then you're like, well, you can't mess up and I can't mess up either, you know, no, that's

Dr. Cam (34:55.106)

Yeah

Dr. Cam (35:12.963)

Right.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (35:14.007)

No, you're gonna mess up and you're mess up a lot.

Dr. Cam (35:16.821)

And let's just say you and I do this for a living. So it's pretty much all we think. I mean, it's all we think about. We still mess up. So if we're going to mess up, you're going to mess up. We repair. That makes all the difference in the world.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (35:24.741)

Absolutely.

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (35:31.739)

Yeah, the only difference between people like us and parents who don't do this work professionally all the time is that we are now more acutely aware when we mess up. Right, right. And so I'm not a parent coach or a psychologist at home. And so sometimes I have to channel that my husband's like, you know, man, why is he acting like that? I'm like, I don't know. He's like, what should we do? I'm like, I don't know. And he's like, Hello, don't you do this for a living? And then I'm like, Oh, yeah, okay, parent hat, parent, put the parent coat hat on.

Dr. Cam (35:42.031)

yeah. Like boom. Yeah.

Dr. Cam (35:54.448)

Exactly. Yeah, put my put my prefrontal cortex back on because when the emotion comes in just as that like we're emotionally fueled by what our kids do too. So we do have to step back and go okay.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (36:01.229)

Yeah, because it's... Yeah, it's...

And I tell parents that parenting to me, I don't believe is very intuitive. A lot of parenting doesn't make sense to me. Like someone, it is counterintuitive. Someone just called you bruh or insulted you or rolled their eyes and you're like, I love you so much. I unconditionally love you. Like that's not a normal response.

Dr. Cam (36:15.553)

No, it's counter-intuitive in a lot of ways.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (36:26.009)

You should be angry when people disrespect you. And I think that's why people have issues with some of this gentle parenting approach because it doesn't feel normal. You your kid just kicked the back of your seat and you're like, you're having strong feelings. That feels, it doesn't feel genuine to them. It feels like you're being fake.

Dr. Cam (36:28.292)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (36:42.647)

No, and I have to be honest, like using the word gentle parenting actually bothers me because it's basically another word for passive to me. So I think it sends the wrong message completely. So when we go there, because I don't feel like it's gentle parenting. I feel like it's sturdy, steady parenting. It's not even, it's steady parenting. It's confident parenting, right? It's connected and understanding parenting. And I think that's...

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (36:51.225)

Yes.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (37:00.378)

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Right. Right.

Dr. Cam (37:13.037)

We get that mixed up because we're still taking time to address what's going on, but in a way that's a lot more logical and understanding and trying to set them up to succeed rather than punish them for what they've failed. And that's very shame based. So we're getting away from shame. We're going towards setting them up to succeed.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (37:14.949)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (37:25.891)

Right. Yes.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (37:31.641)

Right. it's the, again, like we talked about, it's the more balanced parenting. I don't typically say that I'm a gentle parenting coach. That's not my approach. My approach is like, what does the research say? And it's about love and boundaries, and it's about staying balanced. And sometimes you're going to go one way the other. And I think that's the problem that we've had is that we had this authoritarianism in terms of parenting, and then we went all the way to overly passive, gentle feeling kind of stuff that people are misinterpreting. And we got to swing it back. We got to keep going around back.

Dr. Cam (37:35.108)

Yeah.

Dr. Cam (37:43.693)

Yeah. Correct.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (38:01.615)

and forth back and forth and just say no we it doesn't need to be a trendy type of parenting what does the research say what does your teen need and just give them what they need which is unconditional love and acceptance and being present that's all it is doesn't have some catchy name

Dr. Cam (38:14.127)

Yes, that's it. No, you're absolutely right. And whenever we put a catchy name, we find all these flaws with it. And it is very much in its brain based. It's not like it's not even culture based because people will be like, well, I grew up in it. The brain's the same. You can grow up in any culture. It's still how the human brain works and how human psychology works. And that's where we're trying to explain that. So, all right, we could talk for a bazillion years. Um, little exaggeration, but that's okay.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (38:23.387)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (38:38.789)

You

Dr. Cam (38:41.057)

So Dr. Anne-Louise, how do people find you?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (38:44.729)

So they can find me. I'm most active on Instagram at doctor.anloise.lokhart. I have lots of fun on that platform. Thank you. Because of my teenage son, I have upped my game finally on YouTube. So they could also find me at Dr. Anloise Lokhart. He says a lot of his friends follow me and I can't be an embarrassment to him. So I have to have better content. So I have increased and bettered my content. Thank you, my son. So those are probably...

Dr. Cam (38:52.747)

Mm-hmm, you do. I love your stuff, yeah.

Dr. Cam (39:10.911)

Yeah, I'm the same thing.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (39:14.285)

So those are probably the best areas. And then you can find me, you can find the book, love the team you have, out on October 28th. And they can pre-order, which really helps push that out to more people, share it with other people. So that's probably the best places.

Dr. Cam (39:18.703)

Yay!

Dr. Cam (39:29.141)

Yeah, I love that. And what is one thing that you want parents to walk away with? This is the hardest thing because there's so many things. My bazillion seems to be my number today. There's a lot of things, but what is one key takeaway you want parents to have?

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (39:44.185)

I believe the biggest takeaway I want people to have and parents to have is to not...

to allow your teen to have the first say rather than you having the last word. So rather than having this big fight, being able to just ask, know, hey, I'm really sorry about the yelling that we had earlier and the misunderstanding. What's going on with you? And to be able to reach out and it's okay to do that, to have a softer approach with your teen. And on top of that, to know that it's never too late to repair. That you can have a relationship at any point

I repaired with my mom as an adult, but you can have a repair at any point and it's super important to you and your team to have that.

Dr. Cam (40:30.319)

That is so strong and so powerful. And the sooner you start, the less time it will take to repair because the less you'll have to repair. So if you need to repair, I encourage you to start right now. Do it. You can do it. And we both have lots of information, but get Dr. Luis's book and Luis's book and learn how to do that. All right. Thank you so much for joining me today. I love it. And I can't wait to see how your book skyrockets.

Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart (40:57.765)

Thank you, thanks for having me, Dr. Cam.

ABOUT THE SHOW

The Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam Podcast is your go-to resource for navigating the challenges of raising teenagers. Hosted by Dr. Cam Caswell, an adolescent psychologist and certified parenting coach, this podcast offers practical parenting strategies, expert advice, and real-world insights to help you build a stronger relationship with your teen and support their emotional growth.

Whether you’re struggling with teenage behavior or looking to improve communication, each episode provides actionable tips to make parenting teens easier and more rewarding. Perfect for both new and seasoned parents, this podcast helps you build the confidence to handle teen challenges and thrive together.

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Episode 264: How To Love The Teen You Have with Dr. Ann-Louise Lockhart

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