10 Insights Every Parent Needs to Know from The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read (and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did) by Philippa Perry is a highly insightful guide on building stronger, more compassionate relationships with your children. In the book, Perry explores the impact of parenting on emotional development, emphasizing the importance of empathy, understanding, and connection rather than control.

For parents of teens, Perry's book is a guide to improving communication, reducing conflict, and fostering a sense of security and emotional well-being. The strategies provided encourage parents to reflect on their own behaviors, model emotional regulation, and embrace a non-punitive approach to discipline. By fostering a relationship based on mutual respect, Perry suggests that parents can help their teens navigate the emotional turbulence of adolescence while ensuring they feel supported and heard.

Here are 10 Key Insights with Action Steps for Parents of Teenagers:

1. Your Own Childhood Shapes Your Parenting

As parents, our own upbringing can have a profound impact on how we relate to our teens. Unresolved emotional issues from our past can unknowingly influence our responses to our children, especially during challenging moments like conflicts or discipline.

Action Step:
Reflect on your own childhood experiences, paying attention to patterns in your behavior—whether positive or negative. Ask yourself how these might be affecting your relationship with your teen and make a conscious effort to avoid repeating harmful patterns.

2. Teenagers Need Emotional Availability

Perry emphasizes that being emotionally available to your teen is crucial. While teenagers seek more independence, they still require emotional support. This means being attuned to their emotional needs, even when they appear distant or seem to be pushing you away.

Action Step:
Regularly check in with your teen about how they’re feeling, especially during periods of stress or change. Create opportunities for them to talk openly by ensuring that your interactions are non-judgmental and validating of their experiences.

3. Focus on Understanding, Not Punishing

Rather than focusing on punishment when your teen acts out, Perry encourages parents to try and understand the underlying causes of their behavior. Teenagers may act impulsively, but their actions are often driven by unmet emotional needs.

Action Step:
When faced with a challenging behavior, pause and try to understand what might be causing your teen’s actions. Engage in a calm, open conversation to explore any emotional distress they may be experiencing, instead of jumping straight to consequences.

4. Consistency Builds Trust

Adolescents thrive in environments that are predictable. When parents set clear boundaries and maintain consistent rules, teens are more likely to feel safe and secure, even if they initially push back against those boundaries.

Action Step:
Be consistent in enforcing rules and expectations around important areas like curfews, chores, and schoolwork. Ensure that your responses to both good and bad behaviors are steady, which will help your teen trust your decisions and guidance.

5. Model Emotional Regulation

Teenagers are still learning how to regulate their emotions. They look to their parents as role models, so it’s important for parents to show healthy ways of managing strong emotions like frustration, anger, and stress.

Action Step:
When you’re upset or stressed, model how to manage these emotions in a healthy way. For example, take a deep breath, express your feelings calmly, or take a short break to cool off. By doing so, you teach your teen the importance of emotional self-control.

6. Validate Your Teen’s Feelings

Teens often experience emotions more intensely than adults and may struggle to express these feelings in a way that makes sense to parents. Perry advises parents to validate their teen’s emotions, even when their reactions seem disproportionate.

Action Step:
Acknowledge your teen’s feelings by saying things like, “I can understand why that upset you” or “It’s okay to feel angry about that.” Validation helps teens feel heard and understood, reducing feelings of frustration and isolation.

7. Encourage Open, Honest Communication

Creating an open line of communication with your teen is essential to building trust and connection. Perry emphasizes that parents should create a space where their teens feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment.

Action Step:
Engage in conversations that encourage your teen to express themselves, especially when it comes to sensitive issues. Avoid reacting negatively or trying to fix problems right away. Instead, be an active listener, offering empathy and support.

8. Apologize When Necessary

Parents often make mistakes in their interactions with their teens. Perry advocates for parents to model humility by apologizing when they make errors or act inappropriately. This not only helps repair trust but also teaches teens the importance of taking responsibility for their actions.

Action Step:
If you’ve made a mistake or said something hurtful, apologize sincerely to your teen. Explain what went wrong and how it made them feel, then discuss how you can handle similar situations better in the future. This demonstrates accountability and models emotional intelligence.

9. Lead by Example

Teens are more likely to adopt values and behaviors that are modeled by their parents. Perry emphasizes the importance of living the values you want to instill in your teen, whether that’s kindness, respect, patience, or honesty.

Action Step:
Identify one value you want to emphasize in your family (such as kindness or honesty). Make an effort to practice this value consistently in your own life and discuss with your teen how this value plays a role in your decisions.

10. Allow Your Teen to Be Themselves

Adolescence is a time of self-discovery, and teens need space to explore their identities. Perry encourages parents to allow their teens to develop their own personality, interests, and values, even if they differ from your own.

Action Step:
Support your teen’s individual interests and passions, even if they aren’t what you envisioned for them. Whether it’s a new hobby, a unique friendship, or a different career path, validate their choices and encourage them to explore who they are.