10 Insights Every Parent Needs to Know from UnSelfie by Michelle Borba

Empathy—the ability to understand and share the feelings of others—is critical to a child’s long-term success and happiness. Yet in a world increasingly driven by competition, self-promotion, and screen time, empathy is often neglected.

In UnSelfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World, Michelle Borba offers a roadmap to help parents nurture empathy in their children, showing how it can strengthen resilience, enhance relationships, and pave the way for personal and professional success.

Here, we explore 10 key insights from the book and provide actionable steps parents can take to cultivate empathy in their teenagers.

1. Empathy is a Skill, Not a Trait

Empathy isn’t innate—it’s a skill that develops through practice and reinforcement. This means all teens, no matter their personality, can become more empathetic with guidance.

Action Steps:

• Share your thought process. When helping others, explain to your teen why you’re doing it, e.g., “I’m bringing soup to Mrs. Smith because she’s sick, and it’s nice to help when someone isn’t feeling well.” This makes empathy tangible.
• Provide opportunities to practice. Encourage your teen to volunteer, such as tutoring younger kids, visiting a nursing home, or helping at an animal shelter, to actively experience putting others’ needs first.

2. Self-Absorption Undermines Empathy

Today’s culture often prioritizes personal success over community well-being. This hyperfocus on self-achievement can disconnect teens from understanding and caring about others’ needs.

Action Steps:

• Balance individual and team goals. When your teen is involved in activities, encourage them to focus on collaborative success. For instance, praise them for helping a teammate in a sport or contributing to a group project, rather than just their individual performance.
• Create family discussions around giving. Regularly discuss ways your family can help others. Brainstorm ideas together, such as supporting local charities or assisting a struggling neighbor, to build a culture of empathy.

3. Empathy Builds Resilience

Kids with empathy are more resilient because they develop stronger emotional connections and social networks that provide support during tough times.

Action Steps:

• Model empathy in conflict. When conflicts arise, show how to empathize even when emotions run high. For example, say, “I understand why you’re upset, and I want to figure this out together,” and teach your teen to use similar language.
• Foster empathy through storytelling. Share real-life or fictional stories about overcoming challenges through teamwork and compassion, highlighting how empathy helped build resilience.

4. Empathy Requires Face-to-Face Interaction

Digital communication strips away nonverbal cues like tone and body language, which are essential for understanding emotions and building connections.

Action Steps:

• Host tech-free family time. Create daily or weekly habits where devices are set aside, like family meals or game nights. Use this time to engage in meaningful conversations.
• Encourage extracurricular activities. Support your teen in joining clubs, sports, or other in-person groups where they can practice building relationships through direct interaction.

5. Reading Fosters Empathy

Stories allow teens to see the world through the eyes of characters, helping them understand diverse perspectives and situations.

Action Steps:

• Choose thought-provoking books. Provide your teen with books featuring diverse cultures and experiences, such as Wonder by R.J. Palacio or The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas.
• Make reading a shared activity. Read the same book as your teen and discuss how the characters’ choices and feelings impacted the story. Ask questions like, “What would you have done in their situation?”

6. Empathy Thrives in a Culture of Kindness

Empathy is cultivated in environments that value kindness, compassion, and mutual respect. A home that models these values helps teens internalize them.

Action Steps:

• Model Kindness Daily: Teens learn from what they see. Demonstrate small, consistent acts of kindness in your own behavior—like expressing gratitude, apologizing sincerely, or helping others without expecting something in return. 
• Create a Family Kindness Jar: A kindness jar can make the concept of empathy tangible and encourage everyone to participate in spreading positivity. 
• Practice Gratitude as a Family: Gratitude and kindness go hand in hand. When teens learn to appreciate what they have and the people around them, they are more likely to show empathy. 

7. Gratitude Fuels Empathy

Grateful teens are more likely to notice and appreciate the efforts of others, which naturally builds their capacity for empathy.

Action Steps:

• Create a gratitude board. Place a whiteboard or corkboard in a central location where family members can post notes about things they’re thankful for.
• Link gratitude to action. When expressing thanks, connect it to specific actions: “Thank you for helping me with the dishes—it really lightened my load.”

8. Empathy Can Counteract Bullying

Empathy helps teens recognize the emotional impact of their actions and empowers them to stand up for others who are mistreated.

Action Steps:

• Teach bystander intervention. Role-play scenarios where your teen might witness bullying, and discuss how they can intervene safely, such as seeking help from an adult or offering support to the victim.
• Recognize empathetic actions. Praise your teen when they show compassion, like comforting a friend who’s upset or including someone who feels left out.

9. Stress Erodes Empathy

When teens are overwhelmed by stress, they become inward-focused and less able to connect with others emotionally.

Action Steps:

• Help your teen identify stressors. Work with them to recognize what’s causing their stress and brainstorm solutions, such as better time management or asking for help.
• Teach relaxation techniques. Introduce mindfulness exercises, yoga, or journaling as ways to reduce stress and create mental space for empathy.

10. Empathy Leads to Success

Empathy is essential for thriving in relationships, workplaces, and communities. It enhances collaboration, conflict resolution, and leadership.

Action Steps:

• Highlight empathetic leaders. Share stories about leaders who use empathy to drive success, such as Malala Yousafzai or Martin Luther King Jr., and discuss how compassion shaped their impact.
• Encourage mentoring. Support your teen in taking on a leadership role where they can guide and assist others, like coaching younger kids or organizing a school project.

Final Thoughts

In today’s fast-paced, competitive world, raising empathetic teens is one of the most impactful things parents can do. By fostering empathy, parents equip their teens with the emotional tools they need to succeed in relationships, academics, and life. With intentional effort and consistent practice, empathy can become a defining trait that helps your teen—and the world—thrive.