Pro Parenting Tip: Reset Your Baseline
Ever wonder why your teen gives you attitude when you try to correct them or provide guidance?
It could be your baseline.
When your teen gets a bad grade, doesn’t clean their room, spends all day on their phone, makes a bad decision, or melts down… what assumptions do you make?
Do you believe it’s because they are lazy, inconsiderate, rude, or entitled? Do you think they could do better if they just put in a little effort or listened to you for once?
If you do, how do you feel about it? I’m guessing either angry, annoyed, or just plain over it.
When we approach our teens from this frame of mind, we typically start at the baseline of accusation and wrongdoing.
Because you've already judged them as guilty, our teen has no choice but to try to defend themselves. They do this by speaking up, shutting down, or lashing out.
We often perceive this as being difficult, defiant, and disrespectful.
This makes us angrier. The situation gets worse.
You can stop this constant conflict by resetting your baseline.
Instead of starting from a negative baseline, try starting from a positive one—or at least a neutral one.
You can do this by giving your teen the benefit of the doubt rather than immediately doubting them.
I encourage the parents I work with to start with the assumption that their teen is doing the very best they can at any given moment.
It may not always seem true, but when you take into consideration ALL the pieces playing into the situation, you'll discover it usually is.
At the very least, you can give them the benefit of the doubt that there is a deeper reason underlying their behavior.
When we start at this baseline, we approach our teens with curiosity and compassion rather than criticism and irritation.
We can help them learn to problem-solve and set them up to succeed the next time.
This creates connection, trust, and respect. It improves self-esteem and motivation.
THE BOTTOM LINE
When we reset our baseline, we handle the situation better, which helps our teens do better.
