17 Tricks to Defuse Conflict with Your Combative Teen

In an interview with Hesha Abrams, author of Holding the Calm: The Secret to Resolving Conflict and Defusing Tension, she shared practical strategies for handling conflict with teens. These methods can help you stay grounded, guide your teen through challenging emotions, and build a stronger relationship. Here’s how to turn tense moments into opportunities for growth:

1. Pause and Take Control of Your Own Emotions

   • Recognize when you’re getting angry or emotional. Teens can trigger intense responses, so it’s essential to stay calm.
   • Verbally acknowledge your feelings to model emotional awareness, like saying, “I’m getting upset. I need a moment to calm down.”
   • Take a deep breath, ground yourself, and set an example of calm control. By keeping your own emotions in check, you create a steady atmosphere.

2. Use the “Hold the Calm” Approach

   • Mentally repeat “Hold the Calm” to yourself. This brief pause helps you and your teen process emotions before reacting.
   • Acknowledge their feelings: “You seem really frustrated. I want to understand.”
   • Show empathy by naming the emotion: “It sounds like you’re feeling unheard.” This small act of validation helps your teen feel seen, reducing defensiveness.

3. Give Small, Unimportant Choices to Restore Power Balance

   • Offering minor choices, like where to sit or what music to play, allows your teen to feel respected without giving up real control.
   • Respecting their preferences in these small matters signals that you value their input, which calms their defensive response.

4. Use Validation as the “WD-40” of Conflict

   • Validate their efforts genuinely. Recognize specifics, such as, “I can see you’re trying to handle a lot right now.”
   • Avoid superficial comments. Instead, try, “I appreciate how you’ve thought this through.” Using specific affirmations like, “You kept calm,” reinforces their positive behaviors.

5. Offer a “Do-Over” to Encourage Constructive Communication

   • Suggest a “Do-Over” if the conversation gets heated. This allows you both to reset without blame or forced apologies.
   • Phrase it positively: “That didn’t come out the way I intended. Can I try saying it another way?”
   • Encourage them to take a “Do-Over” too, so they can practice self-regulation in a safe setting.

6. State Your Role with Empathy and Consistency

   • If tension remains, reaffirm your role with compassion: “I want to be your friend, but I’m here to help guide you, even when it’s tough.”
   • Express that while it’s okay for them to be upset now, your main goal is their growth and well-being.

7. Ask Permission to Share

   • Ask, “May I share something?” This request respects their autonomy and creates an opening for them to listen willingly.

8. Illustrate Growth Through Self-Comparison

   • Use reflective questions to help them see their own growth: “Are you smarter now than you were a few years ago?” This reinforces the concept of progress and normalizes the learning journey, fostering openness to guidance.

9. Avoid Power Struggles with Calm Assertion

   • When tensions rise, calmly observe emotions rather than escalating: “You seem very upset,” or “It seems like you’re very angry.”
   • Taking a deep breath yourself models calm behavior, subtly encouraging them to self-regulate.

10. Become an Ally in Their Struggles

    • Express empathy for their challenges, acknowledging pressures they face. Occasionally, do something thoughtful, like making their favorite meal, to show understanding and care.

11. Model Emotional Regulation and Skill-Building

    • Regularly check your own behavior to ensure you’re modeling positive coping skills. Small adjustments in your reactions can influence how they handle conflicts.

12. Identify Emotional Triggers Early

    • Look for warning signs, like clenched fists or rapid breathing. Acknowledge their emotion early: “I can see you’re feeling really frustrated,” and address it calmly.

13. Introduce the “Dinosaur It Out” Technique

    • Explain that when emotions feel overwhelming, they can “dinosaur it out” to release those feelings constructively.
    • Participate in this with them: “Come on, let’s dinosaur it out together!” This makes it feel less like a prescription and more like a bonding activity.

14. Use Physical Interruptions for Emotional Control

    • Have them wear a rubber band on their wrist and snap it gently to disrupt the thought loop of anger.
    • Alternative actions like jumping jacks or punching a pillow can help release built-up tension without causing harm.

15. Provide Positive Reinforcement and Validation

    • Acknowledge their efforts with appreciation: “I’m so proud of you for using your coping tools. That took a lot of control.”
    • Encourage a “Do-Over” if things didn’t go as smoothly, reinforcing resilience and the value of trying again.

16. Use Humor and Lightness to De-escalate

    • Light-heartedness can turn tension into a shared experience. Laughter breaks down walls, creating positive moments out of conflict.

17. Help Them Understand Life’s Ups and Downs

    • Teach them that setbacks are normal. Highlight that resilience is built through facing challenges and bouncing back.

       

Final Thoughts

Hesha Abrams’ tips remind us that conflict with a teen doesn’t have to be a battle. With empathy, patience, and small intentional actions, you can create moments that help your teen learn and grow while strengthening your connection.