Pro Parenting Tip: Effort Over Outcome

My teen is so entitled.

My teen won’t do anything unless they get something in return.

My teen won’t push themselves or try anything new.

If any of this sounds familiar, it may be time to try Pro Parenting Tip #10:

Effort over outcome.

When Nathaniel Branden wrote in his book The Psychology of Self-Esteem (1969), “Self-esteem is the single most important facet of a person and we must do everything we can to nurture it,” parents immediately jumped on the self-esteem bandwagon. Why wouldn’t they?

Self-esteem is the backbone to emotional well-being and life success (however you want to define it.)

Over time, however, this desire to nurture our children’s self-esteem has morphed into wildly over-protecting it. Sometimes to the point of absurdity (I picture people rolling their kids in miles of bubble wrap).

—> Give them all a trophy. 🏆

—> Ban red pens for correcting mistakes. ✍️

—> Pump them up with praise, compliments, rewards. 🙌

We’ve created a generation of Praise Junkies, as Bronson and Merryman call them in their book  Nurture Shock  (2009). They seem to be bottomless pits when it comes to reassurance and rewards.

But it’s not their fault.

When we saturate our children with praise like, “You’re so smart!” “Look how beautiful you are.” “Wow, such talent,” we imply that they are naturally that way. They learn to believe that their achievements don’t require any effort. This fosters a sense of entitlement.

It can also evoke a sense of insecurity and fear. Kids who are praised on their natural intelligence, talent, skill, beauty, etc. tend to avoid anything new or difficult. They don’t feel like they have any control over what happens, so they don’t want to risk failing and uncovering the truth--that they aren't as amazing as everyone seems to think they are. That would be devastating.

Both extremes are often a result of focusing on outcome over effort.

When you focus on effort, you put the control back into your child’s hands.

For example, if they get an “A” on a test, rather than telling them how smart they are, call attention to how hard they studied. Now, if they want to get an “A” on another test, they know what they have to do. That builds self-esteem.

If they make the basketball team, rather than praising them on how talented they are, comment on how all those weeks practicing their jump shot over and over again really paid off. Now, if they want to make varsity next year, they know what they have to do. That builds self-esteem.

It’s far more rewarding to know you achieved something because you earned it.

It’s far more encouraging to know you can control the amount of effort you put into something.

It’s far more comforting to know if you don’t achieve something, you can always practice more for next time.

All of those build self-esteem.

THE BOTTOM LINE

If you want to nurture your teen’s self-esteem (and prevent a sense of entitlement), focus on effort over outcome.