Pro Parenting Tip: Provide an Escape Route

Does your teen lie to you? 🤥

Here’s a tip to nudge them toward the truth!

Provide an Escape Route

Let's face it, teens lie.

So do little kids.

So do full-grown adults.

Why?

There are a lot of reasons, but a big one is to protect us from shame and fear.

If we admit it, people may be disappointed in us and think of us differently. In fact, the #1 reason teens gave for lying to their parents is the fear of disappointing them.

If we deny it, maybe we can avoid getting into trouble or hurting someone (and who doesn’t want to avoid that?!)

We hope it'll just disappear.

It doesn't.

Many parents aren't sure what to do when they think or know their teen is lying.

Some confront them with anger and disappointment.

Some set traps to catch them in the lie.

Some tighten restrictions and withdraw trust.

Some snoop around their rooms and on their phone to try to find more things they're lying about.

Some just ignore it all together.

None of these strategies are effective at teaching teens the value of honesty, resolving what they were lying about, or inspire them to tell the truth in the future.

But they can make the accused feel trapped, increasing the feelings of shame and fear AND adding a heap of resentment to the mix.

They inspire teens to get better at lying and strengthen their conviction to keep their parents in the dark.

I want to offer another approach: Provide an escape route.

This isn’t about giving your teen an out so they don’t have to face the consequences of their actions.

This is about giving them a safe way to untangle themselves from the web they've spun, free themselves from the burden of carrying a lie (without losing face), resolve the issue at hand, and strengthen mutual trust.

Here's how it works:

Step 1: Calmly state what FACTS you know. "I saw the SnapChat app on your phone. I found a JUUL in your coat pocket." (Avoid assumptions, accusations, generalizations, catastrophizing...)

Step 2: Give them an opportunity to explain. "Help me understand why it's there."

Step 3: Listen to their answer. Refrain from interrupting or overreacting (aka panicking). It won't be easy, I know. Remember, the goal is to provide a safe space, so they feel comfortable talking to you.

Step 4: Respond empathically and assure them you're on their side. "I understand you feel left out because all your friends have Snapchat." "I believe you and appreciate you’re protecting your friend. My priority is protecting you. "

Step 5: Encourage problem solving. "Do you understand why I'm concerned? What would you do if you were in my shoes?" "Do you remember why we agreed to wait to use that app? What is another solution?" "What are you planning on doing now to resolve this?"

Step 6: Thank them. "I appreciate your honesty. I'm happy we were able to resolve this. Next time I hope you feel comfortable coming to me first."

THE BOTTOM LINE

When you give your teen a chance to come clean AND still save face, you can both move forward in trust and forgiveness.