5 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Boosting Your Teen's Confidence (and What to Do Instead)

As parents, we all want our teens to feel confident and capable. However, some well-intentioned approaches can backfire, leaving teens feeling insecure or misunderstood.

Below are five common parenting approaches that often don't work when it comes to boosting self-esteem, along with better strategies to try instead.

1. Overpraising for Every Little Thing

Why It Doesn’t Work: When you constantly praise your teen for every small task or achievement, they may begin to rely too much on external validation. Over time, this can lead to pressure to meet high standards, or they may stop valuing praise altogether because it no longer feels meaningful or authentic.

What to Do Instead: Focus on acknowledging effort rather than the result. Be specific and genuine, and offer praise when your teen has worked hard, shown resilience, or made progress. For example, instead of “Great job, you’re so smart,” try, “I’m really impressed with how you organized your process to complete that project. You took something complex and made it more manageable and efficient."   

2. Focusing Only on Strengths

Why It Doesn’t Work: When parents emphasize only their teen’s strengths and avoid discussing weaknesses, teens can develop a fear of failure or feel like they have to be perfect. This avoidance can prevent them from learning how to grow from mistakes and handle challenges.

What to Do Instead: Encourage a growth mindset by acknowledging that everyone has areas to improve, and that weaknesses can be addressed through practice and effort. Help your teen see challenges as opportunities to learn, rather than setbacks. You might say, “It’s okay if this subject is hard right now; the more you practice, the easier it'll get for you.”

3. Trying to Protect Them from Failure

Why It Doesn’t Work: While it may seem like protecting your teen from failure is the best way to support them, it can actually backfire. Shielding them from failure denies them the chance to learn valuable lessons, build resilience, and develop problem-solving skills. Teens need to experience setbacks to grow and understand that mistakes are a normal part of life.

What to Do Instead: Encourage your teen to embrace challenges and view failure as an opportunity for growth. Help them reframe failures as learning experiences. For example, say, “I know this didn’t turn out the way you hoped, but what do you think you can learn from it? Let’s talk about what you can try differently next time.” This approach builds their confidence in facing difficulties and shows them that failure is not something to fear.

4. Trying to Fix Every Problem for Them

Why It Doesn’t Work: When parents jump in to solve every issue their teen faces, it can prevent them from developing problem-solving skills and self-confidence. Your teen might start to feel incapable of handling challenges on their own, leading to a sense of dependency.

What to Do Instead: Instead of fixing every problem, empower your teen by guiding them to solve challenges themselves. Offer support and advice, but let them take the lead. For instance, you can say, “I believe you can figure this out. What do you think is the best way to handle it?” This builds their confidence in their own abilities.

5. Walking on Eggshells

Why It Doesn’t Work: When parents walk on eggshells around their teen to avoid upsetting them, it can prevent honest communication and reinforce the idea that their emotions are too overwhelming to handle. This approach may lead to misunderstandings, as the teen might feel unheard or disconnected. Furthermore, when teens sense that they are perceived as too delicate to handle challenges, they begin to internalize this belief. This can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, where they avoid facing difficulties, leading to increased anxiety and decreased resilience.

What to Do Instead: Create a space for open dialogue by validating your teen's feelings without tiptoeing around them. Acknowledge their emotions while maintaining clear and respectful boundaries. For example, say, “I can see you’re really upset right now, and that’s okay. Let’s talk about what’s going on when you’re ready, so we can work through it together.” This shows that their emotions are valid but also that they’re capable of handling challenges, and you’re there to support them without avoiding difficult conversations. This approach fosters resilience and helps them build confidence in their ability to navigate life's ups and downs.

THE BOTTOM LINE

By making small adjustments in how you support them, you can help build their confidence in a way that empowers them to grow and succeed on their own terms. The key is to listen, guide, and let them take ownership of their journey.