5 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Addressing School Refusal

When your teen refuses to go to school, it’s easy to react out of frustration or anxiety. However, certain responses can make the situation worse.

Here are five common mistakes parents make when addressing school refusal—and what to do instead.

1. Punishing Your Teen for Refusing to Go

Why It’s a Mistake:
Punitive measures, like grounding or taking away privileges, can increase anxiety and resistance. School refusal is often a sign of underlying emotional or psychological distress, and punishment doesn’t address the root of the problem.

What to Do Instead:
Focus on understanding why your teen is avoiding school. Have a calm, supportive conversation, and work together to create a plan that addresses their concerns while keeping expectations in place.

2. Minimizing Their Feelings

Why It’s a Mistake:
Saying things like, “You’re just being dramatic” or “It’s not a big deal” invalidates your teen’s feelings and can make them feel unheard or misunderstood. It may also shut down future communication.

What to Do Instead:
Acknowledge their emotions, even if you don’t fully understand them. “I see that school feels really overwhelming for you right now. Let’s talk about what’s making it hard and how we can work through it.”

3. Forcing Them Back to School Without a Plan

Why It’s a Mistake:
Pushing your teen to go back to school without addressing their underlying fears or issues can lead to repeated refusals and escalating problems. This may make them feel even more anxious about returning.

What to Do Instead:
Work together to create a gradual re-entry plan. Set small, manageable goals, such as attending one class or staying for half a day, to help them ease back into the routine while addressing their concerns.

4. Assuming They’re Just Being Lazy or Defiant

Why It’s a Mistake:
It’s easy to think that school refusal is a result of laziness or a bad attitude, but it’s often more complex. Anxiety, depression, bullying, or academic struggles may be the real causes.

What to Do Instead:
Give your teen the benefit of the doubt and explore what’s behind the behavior. Ask open-ended questions to uncover any underlying issues, such as social struggles, academic pressure, or mental health challenges.

Example Script: “I know it might seem like you don’t want to go to school, but I think there’s something more going on. Can you tell me what’s been hard for you?”

5. Ignoring Professional Help When Needed

Why It’s a Mistake:
Parents may believe they can handle the issue on their own or that their teen just needs more discipline. However, if school refusal persists, it can be a sign of deeper mental health concerns that require professional intervention.

What to Do Instead:
If your teen’s school refusal continues despite your efforts, seek help from a therapist or counselor. School refusal is often tied to anxiety or other emotional issues, and professional guidance can provide the support your teen needs to manage their feelings and develop coping skills.

THE BOTTOM LINE

Addressing school refusal with understanding, patience, and a willingness to collaborate is key. Avoiding these common mistakes can help you support your teen in overcoming their school-related challenges and encourage a healthier relationship with their education.