5 Common Mistakes to Avoid When Addressing a Violent Teen

When dealing with a violent or aggressive teen, the stakes can feel high, and it’s easy to make mistakes. Here are five common missteps to avoid that can hinder effective communication and resolution and what to do instead:

1. Overreacting in the Moment

Why It Doesn’t Help: Reacting with anger or panic can escalate the situation and make your teen feel cornered

What to Do Instead: Take a deep breath and remain calm. Your demeanor can help de-escalate the situation. Acknowledge their feelings and express your desire to talk once things are calmer. For example, say, “I can see you’re upset. Let’s take a moment to calm down before we talk.

2. Using Threats or Ultimatums

Why It Doesn’t Help: Resorting to threats can create an atmosphere of fear and mistrust. It may cause your teen to withdraw or act out more aggressively.

What to Do Instead: Focus on clear communication about acceptable behavior without resorting to threats. Frame your concerns positively. For instance, say, “I want to work together to find a better way to handle this.”

3. Shutting Your Teen Down or Not Listening

Why It Doesn’t Help: Dismissing their feelings or not giving them a chance to explain can cause resentment and deepen their anger.

What to Do Instead: Listen with empathy, even if their words are difficult to hear. Acknowledge their emotions and show that you value their perspective. For example, “I hear that you’re upset. Let’s figure out why together.”

4. Assume the Worst

Why It Doesn’t Help: Assuming your teen is just trying to manipulate you or act out without considering deeper emotional or situational triggers can lead to frustration on both sides. This makes it harder to address the real issues behind their behavior and can create further disconnect.

What to Do Instead: Give your teen the benefit of the doubt by approaching the situation with curiosity and compassion. Focus on understanding the underlying emotions or circumstances that might be driving their actions. Often, aggression is a sign that they are overwhelmed or struggling with something deeper.

Example Script: "I know you're really frustrated right now, and I want to understand where you're coming from. I don’t want to assume the worst, so let’s talk about what’s really going on. Can you help me understand why you're feeling this way? I’m here to listen and figure this out together."

5. Walking on Eggshells

Why It Doesn’t Help: Avoiding tough conversations after a violent outburst in an attempt to keep the peace can leave unresolved emotions and create ongoing tension. It may also send the message that aggressive behavior is an effective way to avoid accountability or that your teen has the power to control situations through fear. 

What to Do Instead: Once everyone has had time to calm down, it’s crucial to revisit the situation and have a direct, calm conversation. Address the behavior clearly and firmly, but in a way that focuses on problem-solving rather than blame. Emphasize the need for respectful communication and reinforce that violence is never an acceptable way to handle conflict.

Example Script: "I know things got heated earlier, but we need to talk about what happened. Violence isn’t a solution, and I want to make sure we’re both clear on what’s expected moving forward. I’m here to help you find better ways to cope when things feel overwhelming, but we also need to work together to make sure this doesn’t happen again."

THE BOTTOM LINE

By approaching the situation with empathy and understanding, you can create a more supportive environment that encourages positive behavior and open communication with your teen.