How to Use the "Notice and Do" Technique to Encourage Teens to Help Around the House

Getting teens to help around the house can feel like an uphill battle for many parents. The reality is that most teens often don’t even notice the chores piling up around them—dirty dishes left in the sink, laundry overflowing, and clutter taking over common spaces. This lack of awareness can be incredibly frustrating for parents who are juggling their own responsibilities while trying to instill a sense of accountability in their teens.

In our desperation to get them involved, we often resort to chore charts, nagging, shaming, and imposing consequences. We hope that these tactics will somehow motivate our teens to pitch in, but they often fall short. Not only do these methods fail to encourage independent responsibility, but they can also create a power struggle, making chores feel like a burden rather than a shared responsibility. Instead of fostering a sense of independence, these approaches can leave teens feeling resentful, as if chores are being forced upon them, which undermines their natural need for autonomy.

So, how can we effectively encourage our teens to engage with household responsibilities without pushing them away? The "Notice and Do" technique directly addresses these challenges. It promotes awareness and responsibility while respecting their desire for independence, treating them as capable individuals. Here’s a structured approach to implementing this technique:

1. Introduce the Concept of Noticing

Start by discussing the importance of being aware of their surroundings and recognizing tasks that need attention. Encourage your teen to notice:

• What needs attention: dirty dishes, laundry piles, clutter, etc.
• How these tasks impact the household: for example, a messy kitchen may discourage cooking or eating.

You might say, “When you look around the house, what do you notice that could be done?”

2. Encourage Independent Observation

Create opportunities for your teen to independently spot things that need doing, framing it as a challenge or a game:

• “Can you spot three things that could use some tidying up today?”
• “Let’s see if you can find something that needs attention before I do!”

This approach encourages them to notice while promoting a sense of ownership over their living space.

3. Discuss the "Do" Component

Once your teen identifies tasks, have a conversation about what they can do. Emphasize that their contributions are valued:

• “Now that you’ve noticed those things, what do you think you could do about them?”
• “Which task feels most manageable for you right now?”

4. Offer Choices

Empower your teen by giving them choices about which tasks to tackle. This respects their autonomy and allows them to feel more in control:

• “Would you prefer to do the dishes or vacuum the living room?”
• “You can either fold the laundry or organize the pantry—what would you like to do?”

5. Connect Tasks to Personal Goals or Interests

Help your teen relate household tasks to their personal interests or goals to motivate meaningful engagement:

• “If you keep the living room tidy, it can be a great space for hanging out with friends.”
• “By helping with dinner, you can experiment with new recipes you’ve been wanting to try.”

6. Encourage Reflection on Feelings

After your teen engages in a task, encourage them to reflect on their feelings:

• “How did you feel after you cleaned up the kitchen?”
• “What did you notice about your mood after organizing your space?”

This reflection reinforces the positive impact of their contributions and connects their actions with feelings of autonomy and achievement.

7. Show Appreciation and Acknowledge Contributions

Recognize and appreciate your teen’s efforts, reinforcing that their contributions matter:

• “I really appreciate how you took the initiative to clean the living room. It looks great!”
• “Your help with dinner made a big difference! Thank you for contributing.”

8. Discuss the Importance of Shared Responsibility

Engage your teen in discussions about the benefits of sharing responsibilities and how it contributes to a harmonious home environment:

• “When we all pitch in, it makes the house a nicer place to live for everyone. What do you think?”
• “How do you feel when the house is clean and organized? It can really change the vibe!”

10. Be Flexible and Open to Feedback

Encourage an open dialogue about their feelings and any challenges they face regarding household responsibilities. Be receptive to their feedback and adjust expectations as needed:

• “Is there anything about the chores that feels overwhelming or frustrating?”
• “How can we make this easier or more enjoyable for you?”
• "Who do you think should be responsible for doing all these tasks? One person or shared?"

By using the "Notice and Do" technique, you empower your teen to take an active role in household responsibilities while respecting their need for autonomy and maturity. This approach not only fosters a sense of responsibility but also enhances their confidence and connection to their home environment.