Pro Parenting Tip: The Q-TIP Principle
Back in my Girl Scout days, I attended the horseback riding camp, Small Valley. I was excited to meet my horse for the next two weeks named Q-Tip because of his resemblance to a cotton swab—at least at some point in his life. However, to my delight, he was now a cool shade of purple—a tween girl's dream!
But the dream took a turn when I discovered that the purple was from the ointment they used to treat Q-Tip's cuts and bruises. Apparently, Q-Tip was ornery and had a penchant for picking fights with other horses. I was terrified every time I mounted Q-Tip, and he knew it. He’d ignore my commands, attempt to shake me off, and make frequent pit stops to graze on the side of the ring. I was in tears after my first day, convinced that Q-Tip hated me and pleaded with my counselor for a different horse.
The answer was a big fat no. According to my counselor, they paired me with Q-Tip because they believed I could handle him. Then she asked if I knew what the acronym QTIP stood for. I didn’t. She told me: Quit Taking It Personally. How perfectly fitting! Q-tip didn’t hate me, he had trouble trusting anyone. Once I realized that, I understood that it was up to me to gain his trust.
Although reluctant at first, I shifted my focus from fearing Q-Tip to trying to understanding him. By the end of the two weeks, we were the best of buddies.
In my work with parents today, I consistently emphasize not taking their teen's behavior personally. However, I had completely forgotten about my purple pony and the apropos acronym.
When teens act up, show disrespect, question authority, or push back, it's crucial to remember that it's not about us. It's about our teens struggling to trust us, feeling misunderstood, and wanting to be heard.
When we Quit Taking It Personally and separate our feelings from the situation at hand, we realize that our teen is learning to communicate difficult feelings and thoughts—just not very skillfully yet. With our emotions out of the picture, we can listen from a place of curiosity and empathy. Our wisdom comes into play as we decipher what our teen is trying to say and calmly coach them on effective and respectful communication.
THE BOTTOM LINE
Once we remove our own emotions from the equation and recognize that what our teen is experiencing isn't about us, we gain the ability to offer the empathy and understanding they require from us.
