Pro Parenting Tip: Simply Smile 😊
Think of the last time your teen walked into the room.
Got the picture in your head?
How did you greet them?
What was the first thing you said?
What expression did you have on your face?
Each little encounter adds up to one BIG message.
At this moment, your teen is developing their sense of identity and self-worth. One of their biggest sources of intel is you.
Your words, tone, body language, and expressions all reflect who they are back to them. They use you, the one that loves them the most, to gauge how others perceive them. And how others perceive them impacts how they perceive themselves.
If you are always angry, annoyed, worried when you see them… they will start believing that they are unlovable, annoying, broken.
Almost every teen I’ve talked to has told me in one way or another that they don’t feel like they can do anything right in their parent’s eyes. They feel like they’re just one big disappointment. They don’t see the point of even trying anymore.
They want to make you proud. They long for your approval more than anything. But they feel like they have to earn it and they always end up coming up short.
So, they shut down, lash out, act like they don’t care.
These are all defense mechanisms to protect their super-sensitive insides from feeling rejected.
As parents this is heartbreaking. Of course, we love our children unconditionally. Of course, we’re proud of them. How can they not know that?
Because that’s not what our actions are telling them.
If your tendency is like many parents—to jump right into a lecture, complaint, concern, or criticism when you see your teen—I encourage you to try a different approach.
Put on a happy face 😊—literally!
Brené Brown discusses the benefit of this approach in her book “ Daring Greatly .” She asks: When [your children] walk in the room does your face light up and say I'm glad to see you?
Dr. Brown encourages us to greet our kids with a warm “hello” and smile. To let our first response be one of love and acceptance (even if that’s not what we’re feeling at that moment.)
I get that this can be difficult when your teen is grumpy, running late, hasn't done what you asked (again)… but here’s three reasons it’s worth it:
- According to the James-Lange theory and other studies, you can change your mood by changing your facial expressions and physical responses. Smiling sends a message to your brain that you are happy, your brain responds by releasing feel-good chemicals that tell your body to relax, and you start to feel truly happier. Now you are in a much better frame of mind to handle the situation more effectively.
- When people see someone expressing an emotion, they tend to imitate the expression. When you greet your teen in anger, you trigger their anger response—and we all know how that ends up. When you smile and show joy in seeing them, your teen will feel more accepted and at ease. Now, don’t expect them to suddenly become happy-go-lucky (we’re not performing miracles here), but you’ve set the stage for a more constructive conversation.
- When you smile at your teen, you are telling them that they are valued, accepted, and unconditionally loved. All the things teens desperately need to know!
THE BOTTOM LINE
The next time you see your teen, pay attention to how you greet them. That short encounter can have a long-term impact on their self-esteem and self-worth.
