5 Mistakes Parents Make During Teen Meltdowns (and What to Do Instead)

If you’ve ever tried to help your teen during a meltdown—only to make things worse—you’re not alone. Many parents describe feeling helpless, frustrated, and even scared when their teen lashes out, shuts down, or spirals into anxiety.

According to Dr. Jim Costello, creator of the Costello Method and author of The Brain Follows, meltdowns aren’t battles to win. They’re signals that your teen’s nervous system is overloaded and in survival mode. In a recent conversation on the Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast, Dr. Costello explained what’s really happening inside the teen brain during these moments—and what parents can do differently to bring calm instead of chaos.

Here are five of the most common mistakes parents make during teen meltdowns—and what to do instead.

1. Taking It Personally

When your teen explodes, it can feel like an attack. But Dr. Costello emphasizes that meltdowns are not malicious. They’re the body’s way of trying to cope when the nervous system is overwhelmed.

Why this matters: When you interpret their behavior as disrespect or defiance, you react defensively—escalating the conflict.

What to do instead: Remind yourself: “This is dysregulation, not defiance.” Separate your teen from their behavior. This mindset shift helps you respond with empathy instead of anger.

2. Trying to Reason in the Moment

Parents often jump straight into logic: “Calm down. Use your words. Let’s talk about this.” But once fight-flight-freeze has kicked in, your teen’s brain literally cannot reason.

Why this matters: “You can’t outthink physiology—it always wins,” says Dr. Costello. No amount of reasoning will land until their nervous system calms down.

What to do instead: Focus first on regulation. Take a break, breathe, or suggest movement (a walk, stretching, squeezing stress balls). When calm returns, then talk.

3. Escalating With Your Own Emotions

When your teen is spinning out, it’s easy to spin out with them. But your state directly impacts theirs.

Why this matters: This is called co-regulation. “Your energy trickles down the leash,” explains Dr. Costello. If you escalate, they escalate. If you ground yourself, they can “borrow your calm.”

What to do instead: Before responding, regulate yourself. Try rolling your shoulders back, pressing your palms together, or taking three slow breaths. Show calm so they can mirror it.

4. Asking Too Many Questions

It’s natural to want answers—“What happened? Why are you upset? How can I help?”—but even well-intentioned questions can feel like demands when your teen is maxed out.

Why this matters: Every question adds another layer of pressure to an already overloaded system, often pushing your teen further away.

What to do instead: Offer presence, not interrogation. Sit quietly nearby, or say something simple like, “I’m here when you’re ready.” Drop the demands so their system has space to reset.

5. Defining Them by Their Behavior

Parents often label teens as “angry,” “defiant,” or “disrespectful.” But Dr. Costello stresses that behavior is not character—it’s dysregulation.

Why this matters: When we define teens by their outbursts, we stop seeing the human underneath—the same child we love when they’re regulated. This damages connection and trust.

What to do instead: Separate the teen from the behavior. See the meltdown as a signal of stress, not a personality flaw. Respond to the child, not just the chaos.

Final Thoughts

Teen meltdowns aren’t signs of failure—they’re signs that your teen’s nervous system needs help. By shifting your perspective and avoiding these five common mistakes, you can move from escalating the storm to calming it.

💡 The key takeaway: Regulation comes before communication. When you stay calm, give space, and use simple body-based tools, you help your teen reset—and you strengthen your connection in the process.

🎧 Listen Now for More Tips

Want more strategies to handle meltdowns and support your teen’s emotional health? Tune in to the full episode of Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam with Dr. Jim Costello:

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