5 Reasons Punishment Doesn’t Work With Teens (And What To Do Instead)
If you’re a parent of a teen, chances are you’ve thought (or shouted):
“That’s it—you’re grounded!”
“Hand over your phone!”
“I’ve told you a thousand times!”
In the heat of the moment, punishment feels powerful. It gives us a sense of control when everything else feels chaotic. And sometimes it works—at least for a day or two.
But here’s the hard truth: punishment doesn’t lead to lasting change. In fact, it usually makes things worse. Your teen argues more, shuts you out, or finds sneakier ways to break the rules. And you’re left exhausted, frustrated, and wondering why nothing seems to work.
On my Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast, therapist and bestselling author Kati Morton joined me to unpack why punishment backfires and what parents can do instead. The big takeaway?
Punishment might stop behavior in the moment, but connection is what changes it long-term.
Here are 5 reasons punishment doesn’t work with teens—and exactly what to do instead.
1. Punishment Doesn’t Teach New Skills
Why it doesn’t work:
Punishment tells your teen what not to do, but it doesn’t teach them what to do instead. For example, if your teen blows up when you ask about homework and you punish them by taking their phone, they don’t magically learn how to manage stress, regulate their emotions, or break work into smaller steps. They just feel angry, resentful, or ashamed.
What happens instead:
Teens often repeat the same mistakes because no one has given them the tools to handle the situation differently. They feel stuck, you feel frustrated, and the cycle continues.
What to do instead:
Treat mistakes as practice. When the dust settles, stay calm and say:
“What happened, and how can we handle it differently next time?”
This shifts the focus from blame to problem-solving. Your teen learns that mistakes aren’t the end of the world—they’re opportunities to build skills.
2. Punishment Creates Power Struggles
Why it doesn’t work:
Teens are wired for independence. The more you try to force control, the more they push back. Think about it—when someone orders you to do something, what’s your first instinct? Resist. Teens are no different.
What happens instead:
Arguments escalate. You threaten more consequences; they roll their eyes, argue, or shut down. Nobody “wins”—and both sides walk away angry.
What to do instead:
Focus on influence, not control. You can’t force your teen to comply, but you can build the kind of relationship where they value your guidance. Put your energy into connection: spend time together, listen without judgment, and show respect for their growing independence. When your teen trusts you, they’re more likely to want your input—not resist it.
Try saying:
“Here’s what I expect, and here’s why it matters. I trust you to make good choices, and if you struggle, I’m here to help you figure it out.”
3. Punishment Makes Teens Sneakier
Why it doesn’t work:
Punishment doesn’t stop behavior—it just drives it underground. If your teen knows they’ll get yelled at, grounded, or lose their phone, they’ll work harder to avoid getting caught. That means sneaking out, lying about where they’re going, or deleting texts.
What happens instead:
You lose visibility, and they lose safety. The behavior doesn’t go away—it just becomes riskier because now you can’t step in to guide or protect them.
What to do instead:
Build trust through curiosity. Instead of pouncing on mistakes, approach with openness. Try:
“Help me understand what you were hoping would happen when you made that choice.”
This shifts the dynamic from interrogation to conversation. Your teen learns they can be honest with you—even about risky behavior—because they trust you won’t immediately shut them down.
4. Punishment Damages the Relationship
Why it doesn’t work:
Lectures, yelling, and constant consequences don’t bring your teen closer—they push them away. Over time, your teen sees you as the “enemy” instead of the safe person they can turn to. And here’s the kicker: without connection, you lose the one thing that actually changes behavior—influence.
What happens instead:
Your teen tunes you out. They stop opening up. And when something serious comes up, you may be the last person they go to.
What to do instead:
Repair when things go wrong. None of us are perfect—we all lose it sometimes. What matters is how we handle it afterward. Try saying:
“I overreacted. I’m sorry. Let’s try again.”
This models accountability, shows your teen how to make amends, and keeps the relationship strong. Repair builds trust far more than another lecture ever will.
5. Punishment Ignores the Real WHY
Why it doesn’t work:
Most “bad” behavior isn’t defiance—it’s communication. It’s a signal of stress, fear, overwhelm, insecurity, or unmet needs. Punishment targets the behavior but ignores the root cause, which means nothing really changes.
What happens instead:
You treat symptoms, not the problem. The behavior pops up again—sometimes in new ways—and you’re back to square one.
What to do instead:
Get curious about the “why.” Step back and look for patterns. Ask yourself:
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When does this behavior usually happen?
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What might my teen be trying to cope with or express?
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Is there stress, anxiety, or peer pressure at play?
Once you uncover the root cause, you can support your teen in healthier ways—whether that’s teaching coping skills, helping them problem-solve, or getting extra support if needed.
Final Thoughts
Punishment feels powerful because it gives us a momentary sense of control. But control is an illusion—and it doesn’t work long-term. Teens don’t need more punishments; they need skills, guidance, and connection.
When you shift from punishment to influence, you move from constant battles to meaningful conversations. From fear to trust. From control to connection.
✨ That’s where real change happens.
To dive deeper into how to make this shift, tune into this week’s Parenting Teens with Dr. Cam podcast. Therapist & author Kati Morton shares practical tools for moving beyond power struggles and building the kind of influence that lasts.
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